Yesterday I went to the doctor. Hadn't been in 4 months and it was time for a check up. I was excited to see what my numbers were weight wise and lab wise. I wanted to see physical proof that what I'm doing is in fact helping. The scale was not reading what I had hoped for but as my Mom so aptly pointed out this current reading was after I started getting really serious about things. The last weigh in reflected a loss of only 10 pounds which was disappointing but still workable and very much good news! This Dr. of mine is from Russia. I appreciate him because he doesn't sugar coat things which I need in a doctor. Tell me "REAL" even if it's bad. The words out of his mouth were less than kind at first because I had messed up and incorrectly heard 4 MONTHS instead of 4 weeks. So ok...I'm here right now, ok? The rest of the visit seemed to be riddled with nay saying from both him and my oldest son. I started feeling picked on, surrounded by people who say they had my best interest at heart but couldn't seem to share in any of the positive I had already done but certainly had much to say about what I hadn't or should have done. I shined it on. My purpose for being there was twofold: renew Rx's and see what my lab results say, I can gut through this poo poo's and are you crazy's.
The whole visit stuck in my head for the rest of yesterday and until a while ago this morning. It kept filtering through everything I was trying to do, like an annoying alarm clock buzzer or when you leave your keys in the ignition and the car keeps buzzing. I felt annoyed, disappointed and desperate. The Dr. put me on wellbutrin. Even though I told him earlier I was no longer on antidepressants and was doing natural forms of "appetite suppressants" he felt it was best that I go on this new drug as a means of possibly "extending" my life by 5 years. If you know anything about this drug, they use it for things such as depression smoking cessation and such. Like most drugs these days people find that it works well for treating symptoms for other things that it was not intended for. I got wrapped up in his add 5 years speech and figured I would try it. I mean I am trying to live longer, right?? He specifically told me NOT to take it at night because it was a "stimulant" but the mini consult with the pharmacist I learn that it can and often does make people drowsy. Caution flag! He also put me on Metformin for diabetes I don't have. In fact the last time I was told by him to take it the pharmacist said she saw no reason for me to take it since my numbers at that time showed that there was a slight increase in blood sugar that could be considered pre diabetic but not really. I did question the Dr about the need for this medication before knowing what the labs were and he still insisted that I take it. I figured it this way: worst case scenario is I paid $2.65 for pills I didn't need. When I got home later I took the first dose of Wellbutrin and waited to see what would happen. Of course like with all new medication they tell you it may take as long as 2 weeks to see result. I myself have never found that to be the case...I feel the affects of drugs almost immediately just as I did with the Wellbutrin. I felt overwhelmingly sleepy like I had just eaten a huge turkey and carb filled dinner. I felt tearful and depressed. I felt a deep sense of despair and like I did 4 months ago when all I wanted to do was die. This wasn't right....this is supposed to help me move forward, not slide into home plate backwards and too doped up to celebrate.
I knew I was not going to take this medication any more!
Still the feelings about the visit were creeping into my head and my heart and mind. They interfered with my yoga and my meditation this morning so I decided to stop and look at them. I said out loud "ok, let's see what this is all about then" and just sat with the feelings and asked for the lesson I'm supposed to gather. I ask God every day to tell me if what I am I'm doing for myself is wrong or harmful so that I stop right away. To let the message be loud and clear and not subject to confusion and second guessing.....who doesn't do that huh? We ask for signs and then doubt the signs. But I digress...... during my meditations I discovered something very valuable indeed! My son and my Dr. were mirroring my own inner doubts. Those fragments of tapes that say you can't do it, you're not strong enough, smart enough, healthy enough. Those tapes I had forgotten to erase and then cut when I was cleaning my head out of the BS . I forgot to clean them because there was no event that reminded me so I just ignored them. When my son said I would never be able to do the color run next year what he was doing was mirroring my own inner doubt and his inner fears that I might bet hurt or that I couldn't do it and ended up disappointed. The Dr. I think was also reflecting my inner doubts about my limited knowledge of natural healing. Most doctors are trained in scientific medicines. They are also prey to the pharmaceutical companies who want their drugs on the market, sometimes at any cost. I choose not to be part of the fall out, a name on the casualty list. Once I realized why those feeling kept haunting my thoughts I was able to forgive myself for holding on to an inadequate survival skill, for doubting that I can and will do anything I set my mind to and to forgive them but also thank them for bringing this lesson to the forefront. AND for learning that often it doesn't feel right, it's probably not!
I have yet to receive the thump on the head telling me I'm headed in the wrong direction. I trust that when and if I ever do start down the wrong path, I will understand the message and act on it quickly enough. In the mean time no more Wellbutrin, no Metformin, I'll keep taking the high blood pressure and cholesterol pills for as long as I have to and not one day longer, I may not be able to RUN the color run but I can wheel myself through the run....and if I can't do either than I had fun training for it and did myself a lot of good in the process. No longer being stressed about what everyone thinks or feels about my choices is liberating. Knowing that my intuition is awakened and on the job, that's important. I know that I can trust it even when it's not accurate. The thing about intuition is that you have to practice with it every day so that when you end up making the wrong decision you at least have that lesson of what to listen to next time. Like knowing when to take aspirin for a a headache or learning the signs of a migraine before you get one that sets you on your ass. We've all spent so much time denying our abilities, God given abilities, that when something really miraculous and amazing happens we can't see it and don't believe it. It's okay to learn about what makes you tick, it's okay to learn what abilities you have and how to use them. We're not weird, we're not Godless. We don't have to learn it because it's already there. We were born with it and over time we forget how to use it. All we need to do is tap into something that is already there, waiting for you to remember. Waiting to be reunited. When one of us "gets it" it sends a vibration to the rest of us. When we vibrate with love and laughter and vitality, peace and harmony, we end up sending the that vibration to through the threads that connect us all and each vibration magnifies until it reaches the others. Maya Angelou says "When you know, teach, when you have, give". That's part of why I made this blog and keep it. So that when I learn something I can share it with all of you. School is never out babe, we're all in a constant learning state. What you learn and how you use t is half the fun sharing it so others can learn and have the own aha moments, that's what make's the journey worth the effort!
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