I'm putting this here coz no one will ever see it and anyone that does, won't cate anyway. Today I was told by my 18 year old that I was a pathetic parent and although those words hit me hard, thwy are spoken words that mirror my internal dialoge now for 22+ years. I have totally failed at being a loving and caring mother. I thought I was doing a good job at it by protecting them from harm, keepimg food in their bellies wven if it meant I didn't eat, by sacrificing to make certain they had a roof over their head, clean clothes, strong morals, and that they never went to sleep without knowing that I loved them. In fact, as they got older and stop wanting those things I still said I loved them even when they were sleeping. I was determined to NOT be like my own mother who was too wrapped up in her own b.s. that she often slept through my childhood or, and more likely than not, was "sick" which kept her away from crowds, commitment, interaction, and all three of her childern.
When I found out that I was to be a mom, my life changed and my single focus was them and ONLY them to the point that it made my already weak marriage even weaker and I ultimately lost my husband to another woman. Not gonna lie, that hurt because I had to face the fact that every thing I had worked so hard on was for nothing. But I finally came to realize I still had my kids. Kids, that no matter what they said or did I was always proud of them and glad that they were mine. But, deep down inside, I always thought about what I COULD have done, SHOULD have done and the million other things I never did. Insidious fucking thoughts like why did I beat my baby infront of people for not eating cheese? Why didn't I tell them more I love you? The thoughts that kept me up long goddamned hours were all about what I never did, what I missed because I was too busy working because my husband refused, the millions of missed opportunities that I will never ever get back and all memories of firsts like first step, first words, first tooth that I wasn't a part of but my now ex husband has forever. I missed ALL of my youngest's childhood because I was working......not because I wanted to, but because if I didn't we would starve, lose heating or cooler, lose water and more times then I can count we DID lose our shelter. All the times that we had to move because we got evicted and I had to find a new place, pack the old plce, move in to the new place and without the help of my husband and while still holding a job, sometimws three at the same time meant I missed doing MY job as their mother and regretfully leaving that task to their father. The man who sent them outside so he could whack off, the man who said his judo was more important than my busted knee so he left his pregnant wife and first son to go be some amazing judo person. The man who refused to wear his wedding ring even when he knew how important it was to his wife. The same man who eagerly gave me his wedding ring to pawn so that we could eat for a week. The very same man who told me when I was pregnant with his 1st son, that he wanted to fuck an insurance client. I put all of these decressions aside for the sake of keeping a family together, keeping their dad a part of their lives though he mde it clear this wasn't what he wanted....ever. Sacrifices.
I have always enjoyed my sons laughter, their individual sense of human, their smile.....the little things that make them now adults and all despite me not being where I was needed to be. It hurt my soul when I saw either of them struggle with the divorce that ended up happening, it killed me to my core to hear them cry in anger and pain and sadness and say to me that they wanted to die rather than feel the pain that they felt. I worried, I stressed, I panicked, I cried and I prayed to God to please protect them and comfort their mind and heart. I always thought t
THAT was part of being a parent who actually gave a shit, so when my son told me this morning that I was a pathetic parent, when he told me yesterday he didn't need me or want me, when he told me two weeks ago that he didn't want to be in this house or this state or this countty any more, when he told me 30 days ago he had "given up" I admit that I took it personally because I had to face the fact that all my sleepless night and internal dialoge, all those self doubts and second guessing myself was true. He spoke what I've been teeling myself for the last 18 years.
Oh sure, he tried to apologize later but the damage had been done. I have in fact failed my children and apparently in bigger ways then I imagined. I have to be glad that he wants to join the A.F.Reserves......this news, which wasn't gonna be shared until it was too late, scared me. I feared for his life and his saftey. Naturally both his father and older brother thought it was awesome news....its a guy thing I guess. I have relied in him for so much simply because either I cannot do it or the effort put into getring his brother to do it and do it right is too much to bear and now, faced with boot vamp5and tech school I having to figure out how to do the things he has been doing, coupled with that growing seed of fear and seeing him pull farther and farther away has been more than I can bear. I feel crippled emotionally and mentally and my cover up is anger. But not anger at him, anger at MYSELF for failing him over and over again to the point that he feels trapped and stuck in some dead end nightmarish life that only the military can quell. Do I wish I was dead? You bet I do.....faced without my kids, life seems worthless. But I won't kill myself because I guess I'm too chicken anymore and I will NOT put that extra burden on either them. I am a failure as their mother but I am not a heartless bitch.
My oldest says I "need to shut the fuck up and move past it" which grieves me so. I have spent my ENTIRE life desperately trying to be heard, seen, loved, wanted and needed. I wanted to be my dad's little girl, his princess. Instead I got molested by him, betrayed my my mother and only now, on his way off the planet does he say the things I wanted to hear when I was 5 and 6 and 7 and so on. I spent 20 years of my fucked up marriage fighting to be my husband's one and only, his queen. To be appreciated for the work, the effort I put myself through to keep a house and keep the family together. Instead, he opened and paid for an account on a dating site, found a woman and dated her while he was married to me. He took her to Bisbee for her birthday in a rented car. He sent her pictures of his dick and then copied the texts to me. And when it was my birthday he told me "you know I dont do stuff like that" or "if I buy you some thing for you birthday, we'll be stuck eating cat food from a can"--his clever way of confirming I wasn't special enough.
So today was just a punch in the gut, the rude awakening that screamed I AM NOT WORTHY. I have failed my children, my marriage, my parents, my brothers, and pretty much ALL of my friends and my pathetic chaos of a life. Being told that I was a pathetic parent by one son and to suck it up and shut up by the other, well, it's just a bit more than I could handle. And I honestly don't know if I can ever handle that type of in your face truth.....not all at once anyway. Being faced with the euthanasia of a very old and worn out tumor riddle dog and finding out I can't afford it is massively discouraging. Facing the possibility that I may not be able to provide a thankgiving for them or that Adam may not even be here for Christmas, is disheartening. Even if Adam is here for Christmas, I may not be able provide Christmas for either them and that hurts me to my core.....just another notch in my failures bedpost. And by the way, hearing their father say he can use his sign up money for the family, pisses me off and hurts my feelings that he wants his son to some how compensate for his own lacking. Its not righy. Its not okay and that is the very definition of selfishness on his dad's part.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Monday, August 25, 2014
Emotional Homelessness
That is a hard phrase to look at and perhaps even to fully grasp.I first heard the phrase from Bishop T.D. Jakes in regards to how couples in troubled marriages or are now divorced often deal with the emotions that come bubbling to the surface. Once I understood this phrase I could see just how homeless my own emotions have been. When I have needed to talk through my emotions I have been met with "just get over it" or "Just let it go" and sometimes even annoyed silence and accusations of "slowly killing" myself. It's as if my healing is a nuisance, an intrusion into the idealistic lives----their quiet and often boring lives. Some of these people are people who have gone through the same thing and have also made their own emotions homeless and so their "advice" is a desperate attempt to beg me not open old wounds which they thought had long been healed. Some of these people are people who have no clue what it feels like to have had a fractured marriage or go through a divorce but their advice comes from a place, it seems to me, of "better you than me" and "let it go" is the best they can do to appear helpful. The bottom line seems to be that emotions, especially negative, scare people because it taps into repressed feelings within themselves and because of this we have become a society of emotional homeless beings.
Emotional homelessness is not confined to crumbling or crumbled marriages however. We are all guilty of sticking our emotions in some sub basement of our psyche with the sincere desire to not have to deal with the pain or uncertainty.... the unpleasantness of it all. As we often do in reality with human homelessness, we close our hearts and minds and eyes to our emotions unless they are good or happy or joyful or positive. the truth is that ALL of our emotions are real and true and a part of us. we are each responsible for our emotions how and who we share them with. quite frankly, it is my opinion that those people in our lives who shun us, while they may mean well, serve no real purpose in our lives. They are stepping stones along the path that we are destined to walk. When they no longer serve a purpose, no no longer add something to our lives it is okay and dare I say essential to wish them well and let them go. It's no wrong it's healthy. in my humble opinion they have simply finished their task with you. Rather than hold grudges or create resentment and subsequent regrets, it's best to cosmically thank them for their teachings, their lessons and continue moving forward.
Emotions are merely the ingredients we use to make the beautiful mess that is us complete. They help us to better gauge the world around us and owning them fully rather then stuffing them or denying them is crucial to our "enlightenment". On the flip side of that is the very real and tangible fact that happiness, joy, and laughter is the core of our true self and we often get boggled down with every day life, with denying our true self or hiding from our true self that we forget that we were in fact born to be happy, joyful, thankful, blessed, and to have bliss and laughter in our lives. Because of this we must each day make healthy choices, just as we do for diet and exercise. If a person or people are toxic we have a choice: weed them from the pack or suffer along with them. Whichever choice we make there are sure to be a plethora of emotions to follow. Breathe! It's normal and it's okay. I have found the best way to deal with the tsunami of emotions that follow "thinning the herd" is to acknowledge them. This is how I am feeling in this moment and to remember that those feelings do not define me or the moment, they simply just are what they are. When we do this we are setting up new pathways in our brain so that we are are better able to deal with the emotional homelessness and create that inner peace we all so desperately seek but was never truly missing!
In Buddhist meditation, the word Shant is often spoke as a mantra. It is Sanskrit and means peace, rest, calmness, tranquility, or bliss. It is my deep desire that we all tap into that bliss and make our lives more peaceful.
Namaste~
Emotional homelessness is not confined to crumbling or crumbled marriages however. We are all guilty of sticking our emotions in some sub basement of our psyche with the sincere desire to not have to deal with the pain or uncertainty.... the unpleasantness of it all. As we often do in reality with human homelessness, we close our hearts and minds and eyes to our emotions unless they are good or happy or joyful or positive. the truth is that ALL of our emotions are real and true and a part of us. we are each responsible for our emotions how and who we share them with. quite frankly, it is my opinion that those people in our lives who shun us, while they may mean well, serve no real purpose in our lives. They are stepping stones along the path that we are destined to walk. When they no longer serve a purpose, no no longer add something to our lives it is okay and dare I say essential to wish them well and let them go. It's no wrong it's healthy. in my humble opinion they have simply finished their task with you. Rather than hold grudges or create resentment and subsequent regrets, it's best to cosmically thank them for their teachings, their lessons and continue moving forward.
Emotions are merely the ingredients we use to make the beautiful mess that is us complete. They help us to better gauge the world around us and owning them fully rather then stuffing them or denying them is crucial to our "enlightenment". On the flip side of that is the very real and tangible fact that happiness, joy, and laughter is the core of our true self and we often get boggled down with every day life, with denying our true self or hiding from our true self that we forget that we were in fact born to be happy, joyful, thankful, blessed, and to have bliss and laughter in our lives. Because of this we must each day make healthy choices, just as we do for diet and exercise. If a person or people are toxic we have a choice: weed them from the pack or suffer along with them. Whichever choice we make there are sure to be a plethora of emotions to follow. Breathe! It's normal and it's okay. I have found the best way to deal with the tsunami of emotions that follow "thinning the herd" is to acknowledge them. This is how I am feeling in this moment and to remember that those feelings do not define me or the moment, they simply just are what they are. When we do this we are setting up new pathways in our brain so that we are are better able to deal with the emotional homelessness and create that inner peace we all so desperately seek but was never truly missing!
In Buddhist meditation, the word Shant is often spoke as a mantra. It is Sanskrit and means peace, rest, calmness, tranquility, or bliss. It is my deep desire that we all tap into that bliss and make our lives more peaceful.
Namaste~
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
My last for 2013
I have been sitting here counting my blessings and reflecting on all of the lessons 2013 brought my way and I have been overwhelmed with such joy and emotion. I've been fighting back the tears most of the day. When I slept through the arrival of 2013 I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the victim of an affair, a survivor of a divorce, a single mother of two TEEN BOYS. I never imagined any of the things that happened to me, my friends, my family, this nation. Yup, it was one wild year, wasn't it?
As I await the New year with all it's blessings, trials, temptations, struggles, joys, happiness, lessons-- I find that I most grateful for every single person who ever graced my life with their presence. All the teachers, dreamers, whiners, complainers, the needy friends, the people who refused to learn and grow, the people that hurt me, annoyed me, made me sad, made me cry. Grateful for the people who made me laugh till I cried, the people who listen to me work through my life and stuck around to see the results. The people who who reminded me of my strength, my wisdom, my worth and thankful for those who tried to rob of those things. I am grateful to family for never seeing anything but the good in me. Grateful to the people who tried to hold me back. I am grateful for every painful experience, every tear I shed, every grey hair, stretch mark, wrinkle for they are visions of my struggle AND my triumph. Grateful to those men who mistreated me, every woman who scored me. Grateful for people who thought I'd never amount to anything, to all those who thought I would never make it. Grateful for those who laughed at me and those who laughed with me. There are no promises in life and no coincidences. Every thing and every one happened in my life for a reason and arrived at precisely the right time. I am so grateful!
I am so blessed!
I don't know what 2014 will bring with my dear readers but I am glad to be able to share it with all of you. Happy New Year one and all!
As I await the New year with all it's blessings, trials, temptations, struggles, joys, happiness, lessons-- I find that I most grateful for every single person who ever graced my life with their presence. All the teachers, dreamers, whiners, complainers, the needy friends, the people who refused to learn and grow, the people that hurt me, annoyed me, made me sad, made me cry. Grateful for the people who made me laugh till I cried, the people who listen to me work through my life and stuck around to see the results. The people who who reminded me of my strength, my wisdom, my worth and thankful for those who tried to rob of those things. I am grateful to family for never seeing anything but the good in me. Grateful to the people who tried to hold me back. I am grateful for every painful experience, every tear I shed, every grey hair, stretch mark, wrinkle for they are visions of my struggle AND my triumph. Grateful to those men who mistreated me, every woman who scored me. Grateful for people who thought I'd never amount to anything, to all those who thought I would never make it. Grateful for those who laughed at me and those who laughed with me. There are no promises in life and no coincidences. Every thing and every one happened in my life for a reason and arrived at precisely the right time. I am so grateful!
I am so blessed!
I don't know what 2014 will bring with my dear readers but I am glad to be able to share it with all of you. Happy New Year one and all!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Countdown to 2014
Good Lord but what a year 2013 has been! I don't know about you but I am glad to see it go and am ready for the next new adventure!
Every year we make "resolutions", those funny little lists of all the things we swear we'll change: weight loss, quite smoking, quit swearing, make more money, spend less, give more deeply to charities, spend more time with family, spend less time with friends, go back to school, get a degree, find new love, win the lottery, eat better...the list goes on. If you're like me, by the end of January those resolutions are already forgotten and you're walking the planet still in stunned and numb mode.
While resolutions are, in their intentions, worthy, it seems that all that is really needed at the beginning of any new year is the solemn oath that we'll just do and be better than the year before. It seems like something this simple would be a much easier goal to reach and then exceed than 100 pounds in 3 months, especially when you stop to realize that that list will inevitably cause you angst, frustration, guilt, and any number of negative emotions just trying to keep them all.
Don't get me wrong...if you are a smoker, you NEED to quit smoking not only for your health but for those around you. If you're overweight, you NEED to shed those extra pounds not only for your own health but for those around you who benefit from having you around. We all need to make more money and spend less....be smart with and about money. If you want a degree in skate board mechanics then by all means go and get yourself one......my point is that we shouldn't stress about "things" we need or want in the new year. We can't afford to start the new year stressed and overwhelmed about the list we just made! If we aspire to be a better person than we were last year, do better for us and others then we did last year we are certain to achieve great things. Quite frankly, at least for me, some of those items on the resolution list are nearly impossible to keep and often unrealistic....based on the idea that we are lacking in some way. Yes, I need to shed pounds. I need new knees. But guess what? At the end of the day I am happy with who I am; all my fat, all my rolls, all my cellulite, all my flaws----everything. I am not lacking in anything because I already have so much! I am blessed with some really awesome parents, some really cool brothers, some amazing friends, two terrific sons, a roof over my head and food in my belly.
This year my own list is simple:
Keep on keeping on
My wish for you my faithful readers both new and old, is that you find your peace, know love, see only the good, do your best, be your best, find your purpose and live a great life. I am so blessed to have shared 2013 with you and I can't wait to see what 2014 brings us all. Until then------
Carry On~
Every year we make "resolutions", those funny little lists of all the things we swear we'll change: weight loss, quite smoking, quit swearing, make more money, spend less, give more deeply to charities, spend more time with family, spend less time with friends, go back to school, get a degree, find new love, win the lottery, eat better...the list goes on. If you're like me, by the end of January those resolutions are already forgotten and you're walking the planet still in stunned and numb mode.
While resolutions are, in their intentions, worthy, it seems that all that is really needed at the beginning of any new year is the solemn oath that we'll just do and be better than the year before. It seems like something this simple would be a much easier goal to reach and then exceed than 100 pounds in 3 months, especially when you stop to realize that that list will inevitably cause you angst, frustration, guilt, and any number of negative emotions just trying to keep them all.
Don't get me wrong...if you are a smoker, you NEED to quit smoking not only for your health but for those around you. If you're overweight, you NEED to shed those extra pounds not only for your own health but for those around you who benefit from having you around. We all need to make more money and spend less....be smart with and about money. If you want a degree in skate board mechanics then by all means go and get yourself one......my point is that we shouldn't stress about "things" we need or want in the new year. We can't afford to start the new year stressed and overwhelmed about the list we just made! If we aspire to be a better person than we were last year, do better for us and others then we did last year we are certain to achieve great things. Quite frankly, at least for me, some of those items on the resolution list are nearly impossible to keep and often unrealistic....based on the idea that we are lacking in some way. Yes, I need to shed pounds. I need new knees. But guess what? At the end of the day I am happy with who I am; all my fat, all my rolls, all my cellulite, all my flaws----everything. I am not lacking in anything because I already have so much! I am blessed with some really awesome parents, some really cool brothers, some amazing friends, two terrific sons, a roof over my head and food in my belly.
This year my own list is simple:
Keep on keeping on
My wish for you my faithful readers both new and old, is that you find your peace, know love, see only the good, do your best, be your best, find your purpose and live a great life. I am so blessed to have shared 2013 with you and I can't wait to see what 2014 brings us all. Until then------
Carry On~
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Fear
I used to think of myself as "fearless". I saw myself as capable of handling any and everything that I was faced with....well, except spiders, then I scream like a girl and make someone "kill it! Kill it!"....reeeeally hate spiders. So ok, I am almost fearless, don't judge.
I digress. Fear is a powerful emotion and has the power to stop us cold in our tracks be it a spider, high places, the dark, the basement or attic, fear of failure, rejection, or death itself, we all have something we fear. The recent Government shutdown left many in the icy grip of fear worried that there wasn't enough to go around; that food, money and resources would run out before the crisis would end. Pick any timeline on Twitter or Facebook and you can clearly see how tight the fear grip was.....and how quickly fear was replaced with anger when Congress waited till the 11th hour to come to our "rescue" only to creep out of town presumably to avoid the pelting of rotten tomatoes and harsh words from all affected. There really is no way to" sugar coat" what those bozos did in such a short time and how it affected so many now and perhaps beyond. Clearly, some branches of Government have gotten too big for their britches and when the time comes, we really need to vote for a change across the board!
Fear keeps us stuck. Stuck in the past and afraid to move forward. It seems that we would rather be stuck and miserable than go blindly into the perceived "unknown". We know what to be afraid of when we're stuck.....there is a certain amount if comfort that comes from being stuck. I know this all too well since I stayed stuck in a marriage that I knew was failing, had already failed. The fear of not knowing how I would manage on my own kept me stuck for 20 years. Being stuck and miserable gave me the illusion and comfort that I had control over myself, my sons, and my husband, the marriage, the problem. It was like a giant puzzle I had to figue out, piece by piece. Once I finished the puzzle, I woukd have all the ansers and having the answers meant I could fix the problem(s)/people. It wasn't until I failed at suicide and made the climb back to the top that I began to make peace with the notion that I will never have all the answers and that its okay not to. The best part?
Reality is fluid, always moving and changing. The answers I might have right now will not pertain to the event that unfolds seconds from now...... what a relief!
I actually don't have to worry any more about what I do or do not know. Since reality is ever flowing and changing, the answers will came as needed. That unknown that I was afraid of, was not the darkness I imagined, but mostly old programming, some of which wasn't even mine! Let's face it, half of what we believe came from our well meaning parents who, were "programmed" with their parents fear and so on down the line. As little kids we have no choice but to be captive to our parents' fears. I am not talking about the fear of us dying, getting badly burned or even kidnapped. Those fears are things that actually kept us safe, moderately healthy and free from kitchen disasters. I'm talking about those fears of inadequacy and lacking. The fears that if the children aren't perfect it will somehow shine the mirror of shame on the parents. The fears that the child or children that are to fat or too skinny will shine the mirror of neglect or over indulgence, the fears that the child or children who misbehave in public will shine the mirror of laziness on the part of the parents. My mother is a preachers daughter and so you can imagine the fears that her mother projected on to her and in turn were handed down to me. Here's the thing..... somewhere along the line we have to let go of all of those fears because we are not captive as adults. The only way you and I can remain captive to those fears is by choosing to keep them by building on or justifying them as real. In other words the boogy man is all in our heads and the dark scary closet is just that, a closet with the lights turned off.
Much of what we fear never ever happens and what does end up happening turns out not to be as bad as we thought. The truth is that the shutdown was only an inconvenience and also a chance to dig deeper to find what we're really made of both as induviduals and as a nation. The truth is that our fears are what we make them to be. We make them big and scary, we make them the things that keep us stuck.
When we can see our fears as "fig Newtons of your imagination" and merely speed bumps in life, we can face them, see them for what the are.......little people behind the curtain of our minds who pull levers that make loud sounds and a lot of smoke but nothing else. When the smoke and mirrors and loud sounds are revealed, we are suddenly able to live the life we were meant to live, one of ultimate peace where all of our needs are met and all is well......always.
Carry On~
I digress. Fear is a powerful emotion and has the power to stop us cold in our tracks be it a spider, high places, the dark, the basement or attic, fear of failure, rejection, or death itself, we all have something we fear. The recent Government shutdown left many in the icy grip of fear worried that there wasn't enough to go around; that food, money and resources would run out before the crisis would end. Pick any timeline on Twitter or Facebook and you can clearly see how tight the fear grip was.....and how quickly fear was replaced with anger when Congress waited till the 11th hour to come to our "rescue" only to creep out of town presumably to avoid the pelting of rotten tomatoes and harsh words from all affected. There really is no way to" sugar coat" what those bozos did in such a short time and how it affected so many now and perhaps beyond. Clearly, some branches of Government have gotten too big for their britches and when the time comes, we really need to vote for a change across the board!
Fear keeps us stuck. Stuck in the past and afraid to move forward. It seems that we would rather be stuck and miserable than go blindly into the perceived "unknown". We know what to be afraid of when we're stuck.....there is a certain amount if comfort that comes from being stuck. I know this all too well since I stayed stuck in a marriage that I knew was failing, had already failed. The fear of not knowing how I would manage on my own kept me stuck for 20 years. Being stuck and miserable gave me the illusion and comfort that I had control over myself, my sons, and my husband, the marriage, the problem. It was like a giant puzzle I had to figue out, piece by piece. Once I finished the puzzle, I woukd have all the ansers and having the answers meant I could fix the problem(s)/people. It wasn't until I failed at suicide and made the climb back to the top that I began to make peace with the notion that I will never have all the answers and that its okay not to. The best part?
Reality is fluid, always moving and changing. The answers I might have right now will not pertain to the event that unfolds seconds from now...... what a relief!
I actually don't have to worry any more about what I do or do not know. Since reality is ever flowing and changing, the answers will came as needed. That unknown that I was afraid of, was not the darkness I imagined, but mostly old programming, some of which wasn't even mine! Let's face it, half of what we believe came from our well meaning parents who, were "programmed" with their parents fear and so on down the line. As little kids we have no choice but to be captive to our parents' fears. I am not talking about the fear of us dying, getting badly burned or even kidnapped. Those fears are things that actually kept us safe, moderately healthy and free from kitchen disasters. I'm talking about those fears of inadequacy and lacking. The fears that if the children aren't perfect it will somehow shine the mirror of shame on the parents. The fears that the child or children that are to fat or too skinny will shine the mirror of neglect or over indulgence, the fears that the child or children who misbehave in public will shine the mirror of laziness on the part of the parents. My mother is a preachers daughter and so you can imagine the fears that her mother projected on to her and in turn were handed down to me. Here's the thing..... somewhere along the line we have to let go of all of those fears because we are not captive as adults. The only way you and I can remain captive to those fears is by choosing to keep them by building on or justifying them as real. In other words the boogy man is all in our heads and the dark scary closet is just that, a closet with the lights turned off.
Much of what we fear never ever happens and what does end up happening turns out not to be as bad as we thought. The truth is that the shutdown was only an inconvenience and also a chance to dig deeper to find what we're really made of both as induviduals and as a nation. The truth is that our fears are what we make them to be. We make them big and scary, we make them the things that keep us stuck.
When we can see our fears as "fig Newtons of your imagination" and merely speed bumps in life, we can face them, see them for what the are.......little people behind the curtain of our minds who pull levers that make loud sounds and a lot of smoke but nothing else. When the smoke and mirrors and loud sounds are revealed, we are suddenly able to live the life we were meant to live, one of ultimate peace where all of our needs are met and all is well......always.
Carry On~
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Choices
Every day we re faced with choices; what to eat for dinner, what shoes to wear with that outfit,whether or not to brush your teeth, whether you should eat the pizza or have a piece of fruit, which TV show to watch or to have the grande or the venti latte. Choices are everywhere and everyone faces them. Unfortunately, it seems, that we have for too long been comfortable in making choices that go against or truer nature; those that create discomfort not only for ourselves but for those around us. We choose to complain rather than exercise compassion, we choose anger over patience, resistance over assistance, worry over peace of mind.
I have caught myself making those same choices more than once and I am learning that once I recognize that I made it, I immediately have yet another choice: continue with that choice and ultimately make myself so depressed, angry and tired that I miss out on the simplicities of the day like cat snuggles, random hugs from my children, etc., or to immediately make a new choice, one of a more suitable and sustainable interaction with the event/day. I used to think that making a choice to be happy over sad was a breeze. I mean when you stop and realize that being happy has huge benefits on your environment, your mind, body and health how could not make that choice to be happy, right? I was surprised to find that 99% of the day was spent lamenting over this or that and usually something to do with the past and specifically my Ex. I discovered that I was reliving past arguments and apparently trying to rewrite the argument which might be okay if he and I were still married and the argument was to continue. But why on earth was I reliving something that happened 6 months ago and in doing so increasing my stress level, creating a space for angst throughout the day and harboring ill will towards him? He would never hear the words/dialogue I was having inside my head, he would never share in the anger I was feeling. He would also never have the chance to "defend" himself against the thoughts and feelings I was creating inside my head. So I alone was stewing in my own juices. This is true of any inner dialogue you have whether it be about your job, your boss, your kids, your whatever. Often you're the one who is pissed off and the people you are pissed off at have no clue and so they walk around in the day without a care in the world....and if you're like me that really pisses you off even more!
Recent events within our Government have created a space for just such an inner dialogue. I myself find it insane that as a way to protest Obamacare, the government has been shut down. I find it increasingly frustrating that taxpayers are the one's who ultimately suffer the repercussions of this shutdown especially in light of the fact that the people who "did this" will never feel the impact of their decisions. While we might have long memories and vote accordingly, they still will never feel the hunger in their bellies, the fear of not being able to pay the bills on time or who have applied for a loan to buy a new house and now have to hold their breath while everything is on hold. They will never feel the terror of losing their job, even if for just a while. They made poor decisions that will affect everyone BUT themselves. I really do in fact "get" the anger and dismay and disappointment and fear associated with his "numbskull" move. Here's the thing......
While our feelings are rational and justified, they fester within us and no one else. When we outwardly complain and rally the troops as it were, we are making a choice to remain in anger, in worry, in discord, in chaos. WHY? You suffer but you're not alone in that suffering. Your anger etc., flies out into the universe like a ripple on a still pond. What you get back in return is more of what you're angry about and quite honestly, WE ALL DESERVE BETTER and especially of ourselves! If you knew, actually knew and understood how your thoughts, your choices, your words affected the spider web we are all connected to, you might do things differently....I am optimistic of this. Let me assure you that it does affect the web. I've seen this in my own life and very recently. I woke up one morning in a foul mood. I don't know exactly why but I was pretty pissy. I kept it to myself but one by one as my kids entered into the room that I occupied, they started getting on edge and pissing each other off. Slowly the animals also started feeling the affects of my bad mood and the cats lay in wait for each other, the dog groused ......within an hour of me waking up the entire house was fighting with each other. When I changed my mood, the entire house changed. Think of a still pond in a lovely green forest, the morning sun glittering off it's surface. Maybe some fog floating above the stillness. Toss a rock into the pond and ripples echo toward the center. The splash of the rock alarmed the birds in the trees which alarmed the deer curled up on the forest floor enjoying the sun. The birds and the deer suddenly become fearful and with no real reason since it was just a rock but in that moment they flee from the perceived danger. THAT is what we do every time we make a choice to stay angry, to gossip, to worry, to relive the past, etc. Not only do we deprive ourselves of God's grace, safe in the knowledge that "this too shall pass", we deprive others of this same grace, this same knowledge......seems pretty selfish when you get down to brass tacks.
A few days ago ago I posted on FaceBook that I had taken 108 day challenge. That challenge was to find my passion, that thing that ignites my creativity and ultimately serve my fellow brothers and sisters. It was also to discover how much easier it is to choose
These are trying times, one in many before and many more to come. Now is not the time for anarchy but of choosing peace always. I want peace for myself, my sons, my home and for the world. I feel we are close though events might screech otherwise. I feel strongly that we are better than the events that unfold, we are better than we've come to expect of ourselves. Everything will in fact "be alright" and in the meantime I choose peace, happiness, compassion, love, loving kindness, knowledge and assistance. These are my true nature as they are yours.
~Namaste
I have caught myself making those same choices more than once and I am learning that once I recognize that I made it, I immediately have yet another choice: continue with that choice and ultimately make myself so depressed, angry and tired that I miss out on the simplicities of the day like cat snuggles, random hugs from my children, etc., or to immediately make a new choice, one of a more suitable and sustainable interaction with the event/day. I used to think that making a choice to be happy over sad was a breeze. I mean when you stop and realize that being happy has huge benefits on your environment, your mind, body and health how could not make that choice to be happy, right? I was surprised to find that 99% of the day was spent lamenting over this or that and usually something to do with the past and specifically my Ex. I discovered that I was reliving past arguments and apparently trying to rewrite the argument which might be okay if he and I were still married and the argument was to continue. But why on earth was I reliving something that happened 6 months ago and in doing so increasing my stress level, creating a space for angst throughout the day and harboring ill will towards him? He would never hear the words/dialogue I was having inside my head, he would never share in the anger I was feeling. He would also never have the chance to "defend" himself against the thoughts and feelings I was creating inside my head. So I alone was stewing in my own juices. This is true of any inner dialogue you have whether it be about your job, your boss, your kids, your whatever. Often you're the one who is pissed off and the people you are pissed off at have no clue and so they walk around in the day without a care in the world....and if you're like me that really pisses you off even more!
Recent events within our Government have created a space for just such an inner dialogue. I myself find it insane that as a way to protest Obamacare, the government has been shut down. I find it increasingly frustrating that taxpayers are the one's who ultimately suffer the repercussions of this shutdown especially in light of the fact that the people who "did this" will never feel the impact of their decisions. While we might have long memories and vote accordingly, they still will never feel the hunger in their bellies, the fear of not being able to pay the bills on time or who have applied for a loan to buy a new house and now have to hold their breath while everything is on hold. They will never feel the terror of losing their job, even if for just a while. They made poor decisions that will affect everyone BUT themselves. I really do in fact "get" the anger and dismay and disappointment and fear associated with his "numbskull" move. Here's the thing......
While our feelings are rational and justified, they fester within us and no one else. When we outwardly complain and rally the troops as it were, we are making a choice to remain in anger, in worry, in discord, in chaos. WHY? You suffer but you're not alone in that suffering. Your anger etc., flies out into the universe like a ripple on a still pond. What you get back in return is more of what you're angry about and quite honestly, WE ALL DESERVE BETTER and especially of ourselves! If you knew, actually knew and understood how your thoughts, your choices, your words affected the spider web we are all connected to, you might do things differently....I am optimistic of this. Let me assure you that it does affect the web. I've seen this in my own life and very recently. I woke up one morning in a foul mood. I don't know exactly why but I was pretty pissy. I kept it to myself but one by one as my kids entered into the room that I occupied, they started getting on edge and pissing each other off. Slowly the animals also started feeling the affects of my bad mood and the cats lay in wait for each other, the dog groused ......within an hour of me waking up the entire house was fighting with each other. When I changed my mood, the entire house changed. Think of a still pond in a lovely green forest, the morning sun glittering off it's surface. Maybe some fog floating above the stillness. Toss a rock into the pond and ripples echo toward the center. The splash of the rock alarmed the birds in the trees which alarmed the deer curled up on the forest floor enjoying the sun. The birds and the deer suddenly become fearful and with no real reason since it was just a rock but in that moment they flee from the perceived danger. THAT is what we do every time we make a choice to stay angry, to gossip, to worry, to relive the past, etc. Not only do we deprive ourselves of God's grace, safe in the knowledge that "this too shall pass", we deprive others of this same grace, this same knowledge......seems pretty selfish when you get down to brass tacks.
A few days ago ago I posted on FaceBook that I had taken 108 day challenge. That challenge was to find my passion, that thing that ignites my creativity and ultimately serve my fellow brothers and sisters. It was also to discover how much easier it is to choose
- Happiness over sadness
- Peace of mind over worry
- Compassion over anger
- Kindness over meanness
- Love over hate
- Knowledge over ignorance
These are trying times, one in many before and many more to come. Now is not the time for anarchy but of choosing peace always. I want peace for myself, my sons, my home and for the world. I feel we are close though events might screech otherwise. I feel strongly that we are better than the events that unfold, we are better than we've come to expect of ourselves. Everything will in fact "be alright" and in the meantime I choose peace, happiness, compassion, love, loving kindness, knowledge and assistance. These are my true nature as they are yours.
~Namaste
Monday, September 30, 2013
And it's GOOOOOOOOD!
This morning during meditation I was plagued with thoughts of football.....I like football even of I don't entirely "get" the game. Anyone who knows me knows my thick or thin team is the Denver Broncos. I was born in Denver and so this is my "home team". This season they are doing very well; 4-0 and the game they played yesterday against Philedelphia was amazing! #Soproud
I digress......I realized during my meditation that life is actually like a game of football. This analogy can be applied to any sport really, but for me and the purposes of this post we'll use NFL football.
In football you have the Quaterback, linemen, running backs, full backs, half backs, and guards. There are things that happen during the game such as QB sneaks, tackles, sacks, injuries, fumbles, interceptions, huddles, and of course field goals and touchdowns. Every team has a coach. The coach's job is to motivate, uplift, discipline, and provide a different perspective or view of the game. The object if the game is for each team, through a series of plays (strategies) to advance the ball from one side of the field to the next and make touchdowns. The winner is the team with the most touchdowns. The teams are playing either defense or offense. During the game there will be time outs, flags which are actually challenges regarding a certain play, the conduct of the various players or broken rules...sometimes challenging the rules themselves. Life is exactly just like the game of football. The game itself is your daily life. The QB is you, the coach is God ( or whatever form that works for you), the people assigned to protect you (left guard/right guard) are Angels, the team (and die hard fans) are comprised of the people in your life (parents, teachers, children, family, friends, etc.) The huddle is prayer/meditation. The obstacles (opposing team players) are your experiences ( the bills, the self imposed restrictions or lackings, the job, the boss, the spouse, the teenager, etc.) The touchdowns and field goals are the miracles. As the QB you have the responsibility of aligning the team (you and your life) into the perfect position that guarantees a touchdown (miracle). During the game (life) you fumble, over throw, throw in the wrong direction, get sacked, suffer the loss or injury of a player, and sometimes your throw is intercepted, but ultimately, as you reevaluate the team, the strengths and weaknesses of ALL the players on the filed, and game itself, you realign the team (you and your life) for still another victory (touchdown/miracle). You refer to the coach (God) when things don't work or need to work differently, who tells you either keep doing what you are doing or try this new play or sometimes has to remove a player from the field even if that player is you. When you're not playing, you're training and preparing for "game day".
Sometimes, the members of your team have different ideas how the game should be played ( kick him to the curb, get rid of the cat, do this or that) which might be wise ideas but not necessarily appropriate for that particular game. It's the job or the QB (you) and the coach (God) to pick and chose what idea will ultimately align the entire team (you and your life) in the perfect position for a touchdown (Miracle). It's up to the QB (you) to remember that sometimes those ideas are based on the fear, lack of trust, anger, confusion...FEAR of the other members (which can sometimes be reflections of your own inner dialogue), and to stay the course, to not get boggled down with plays that don't work and that's where the coach (God) and the huddle (prayer/meditation) become crucial to the success of the team (you and your life). Once the 11 on-field team members are able to trust the wisdom of the QB and/or the coach, the entire team begins to work in sync with each other and ultimately aligns itself for the goal! It's important to note that in life the miracles or touchdowns/victories are always there.....they don't really suddenly appear. What actually ends up happening is that you, as the QB just SEE the game differently. When this happens, you begin to align with your true nature which is aligned with God (or whatever form works best for you) and you begin to expect miracles. Once you begin to expect them they start showing themselves to you. They didn't just happen, the were always there waiting, on the sidelines, to present themselves to you. Like the QB, you and I are co-creators of the game. The universe (team players) awaits our instructions, the coach (God) is on the sideline ready to help you at any moment, to cheer you on and celebrate the victories as well as the losses and to make sure you are ready for "game day"....every day!
Again this could be applied to any sport---the point is that very few things in life are not just like that, really. Hopefully this analogy will better assist you, as it did me this morning, in just how to play and win the game and to find comfort in the fact that there is no right or wrong-- just variations of. You will always have to be flexible or awake and aware. No one would ever win a game of football if the QB was asleep or not paying attention and if there was no room for variations of the same play and I think the game itself would be rather boring!
~Namaste
I digress......I realized during my meditation that life is actually like a game of football. This analogy can be applied to any sport really, but for me and the purposes of this post we'll use NFL football.
In football you have the Quaterback, linemen, running backs, full backs, half backs, and guards. There are things that happen during the game such as QB sneaks, tackles, sacks, injuries, fumbles, interceptions, huddles, and of course field goals and touchdowns. Every team has a coach. The coach's job is to motivate, uplift, discipline, and provide a different perspective or view of the game. The object if the game is for each team, through a series of plays (strategies) to advance the ball from one side of the field to the next and make touchdowns. The winner is the team with the most touchdowns. The teams are playing either defense or offense. During the game there will be time outs, flags which are actually challenges regarding a certain play, the conduct of the various players or broken rules...sometimes challenging the rules themselves. Life is exactly just like the game of football. The game itself is your daily life. The QB is you, the coach is God ( or whatever form that works for you), the people assigned to protect you (left guard/right guard) are Angels, the team (and die hard fans) are comprised of the people in your life (parents, teachers, children, family, friends, etc.) The huddle is prayer/meditation. The obstacles (opposing team players) are your experiences ( the bills, the self imposed restrictions or lackings, the job, the boss, the spouse, the teenager, etc.) The touchdowns and field goals are the miracles. As the QB you have the responsibility of aligning the team (you and your life) into the perfect position that guarantees a touchdown (miracle). During the game (life) you fumble, over throw, throw in the wrong direction, get sacked, suffer the loss or injury of a player, and sometimes your throw is intercepted, but ultimately, as you reevaluate the team, the strengths and weaknesses of ALL the players on the filed, and game itself, you realign the team (you and your life) for still another victory (touchdown/miracle). You refer to the coach (God) when things don't work or need to work differently, who tells you either keep doing what you are doing or try this new play or sometimes has to remove a player from the field even if that player is you. When you're not playing, you're training and preparing for "game day".
Sometimes, the members of your team have different ideas how the game should be played ( kick him to the curb, get rid of the cat, do this or that) which might be wise ideas but not necessarily appropriate for that particular game. It's the job or the QB (you) and the coach (God) to pick and chose what idea will ultimately align the entire team (you and your life) in the perfect position for a touchdown (Miracle). It's up to the QB (you) to remember that sometimes those ideas are based on the fear, lack of trust, anger, confusion...FEAR of the other members (which can sometimes be reflections of your own inner dialogue), and to stay the course, to not get boggled down with plays that don't work and that's where the coach (God) and the huddle (prayer/meditation) become crucial to the success of the team (you and your life). Once the 11 on-field team members are able to trust the wisdom of the QB and/or the coach, the entire team begins to work in sync with each other and ultimately aligns itself for the goal! It's important to note that in life the miracles or touchdowns/victories are always there.....they don't really suddenly appear. What actually ends up happening is that you, as the QB just SEE the game differently. When this happens, you begin to align with your true nature which is aligned with God (or whatever form works best for you) and you begin to expect miracles. Once you begin to expect them they start showing themselves to you. They didn't just happen, the were always there waiting, on the sidelines, to present themselves to you. Like the QB, you and I are co-creators of the game. The universe (team players) awaits our instructions, the coach (God) is on the sideline ready to help you at any moment, to cheer you on and celebrate the victories as well as the losses and to make sure you are ready for "game day"....every day!
Again this could be applied to any sport---the point is that very few things in life are not just like that, really. Hopefully this analogy will better assist you, as it did me this morning, in just how to play and win the game and to find comfort in the fact that there is no right or wrong-- just variations of. You will always have to be flexible or awake and aware. No one would ever win a game of football if the QB was asleep or not paying attention and if there was no room for variations of the same play and I think the game itself would be rather boring!
~Namaste
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