I had such moments every day for months when my marriage began to crack under the decay of neglect. I was raised in the Southern Baptist faith and so I did try in earnest to let go and let God. Being human however I put limits and time lines and deadlines on everything and when it didn't go according to plan, when deadlines came and went, when things got worse and worse I decided that God was not in control--he had put me and my life on hold and then forgot about me. As many of you already know I tried to end my life 4-5 consecutive times increasing the dosage of pills each time. Much to my shock and dismay I never left the emotional and physical pain. On the last attempt, after swallowing 19 prescription pills that should have at least put me in a coma but instead, I woke up the next morning, I gave up trying to die. But not without some rather harsh words aimed at God. How could he, after all, be watching me suffer as much as I was and just stand there and do nothing?! Why the hell did he keep sending me back when I just wanted out of the pain permanently? Not cool God! Not cool at all, but, since you have my attention, what and where do I go from here? I am certain I am not the only one who has ever gotten to this point. There just comes a point in one's life where you realize you hadn't had control and never did. You realize that what you'd been doing wasn't working and miraculously you'd been given a second chance....a do over.
My do over was when I decided to clean my body and mind through detox, take myself off all my prescription medications and learn as much as I could about how exactly to "let go". You might be surprised to know there are a number of books to teach you just that. Great thinkers like Eckart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, The Dahli Lama and Neville to name a small few. It was their books that I dove into feet first. It was in those books I learned the meaning of the egoic mind, the pain body, the I AM, and of course letting go. How comforting it was to know that I truly wasn't alone...someone else had gone through the very same or similar things and come back from the muck and grime--had lived to tell about it. I also find it very comforting to see that they all think the same basic way. For me, there is nothing more confusing and frustrating then to read one book only to pick up another that goes in the polar opposite direction or is in a great and vast contradiction to the one I had just read. Their words didn't seem or feel alien to me in any way and I found thousands of "aha!" moments on every page. These people are the living, breathing embodiment of the phrase I heard Angela Mayou say: "When you know teach. When you have Give" .
So here is what I know....for sure:
Letting go is hard, but worth the effort. Letting go is a must for continued survival both for every individual and for the planet as a whole. Letting go, for me, falls under the concept of doing more by doing less. Granted, at first letting go is H-A-R-D. It almost feels like how many of us felt on 9/11 when we looked into each others eyes and asked how could God let this happen? How can I forgive the terrorist and wish him peace in heaven? How could God let a terrorist into heaven? Nothing about letting go seems conducive to survival. I struggled for weeks with the idea that letting go meant I had to forgive my Ex for everything he ever said or did to me, all the pain he caused me and my son's, this family. I was not ready to forgive, in fact I had some revenge to exact. I spent countless hours plotting and planning how I was going to make him hurt as much as he'd hurt me and I was going to take her down with him! To be perfectly honest I did carry out a few minor plans...to hell with the consequences! But I soon discovered that, ever present even though HE is unseen, he allowed me to carry out the plans but didn't let the plans hit their mark. Sort of like like exploding a failed rocket above the ocean to avoid devastation and fatalities should the rocket explode over say a school. At first I was pissed, no sugar coating that one. So I attempted to ramp up my efforts. A peculiar thing started to happen. The increasingly devious plots and plans started not feeling right and I was catching myself feeling so evil (rather than feeling blind to it all). I started to realize that these feelings were all a part of my ego striving to protect its own survival. You see when you no longer listen to the incessant negative thoughts in your head and choose to accept only the positive ones, your ego go into survival mode. Think of it like this: when you start a fast or a new diet, your body immediately starts to store fat as a way of keeping the host alive. Starvation is a threat but can be avoided or at least prolonged if there is enough fat to use as energy. This is one of the reason diets don't work. So when the egoic mind perceives the threat, in this case loss of control, it will do anything to stay alive. It does this by fueling the fire of rejection, abandonment, fear, anger, isolation and all nicely done through emotions. But what I learned is that emotions are simply memories. Memories of how you felt during a certain event(s) in your life that the ego stored as "real" and "reality". The good news, although hard to imagine, is that it is not real and it is not reality! Those memories are the things, the tools the ego uses to create the definition of "self". I am sad, I am depressed, I am fat, I am unworthy I am unloved, I am ___________(fill in the blank).
When I first read the words "the space between the thoughts is the real you" the little hamster racing furiously inside the little wheel suddenly stopped and the wheel just hung there squeaking to a rusty stop. What space? Where is this space? Since when is there a physical space between me, my thought and "me"? Through meditation I learned just where that space is and how easy it is to access it. The easiest way I have found is to remind myself that the thoughts , especially those I don't want to entertain at the moment, are just playing on a large screen and I am watching a movie not reliving them. That snippet of space, even if it lasts for a second is the "space" spoken of by Eckart Tolle and Deepak Chopra. It is a tangible area that exists between the you that the world sees and the you that God created....this is often referred to as your "higher self" and it is that space where letting go happens! Its in that space where you begin to realize that someone greater than you does in fact "have your back" . Where you realize that you really are in control and the best course of action is nothing. Less really is more. It's where you begin to understand that everyone who enters into and out of our lives, is there or was there for a purpose, a purpose greater than you. They were there to teach you something and letting go comes when you thank them for the gift they gave you. I know, I know....how on earth is verbal abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, etc. and the pain that comes with it, a "gift"??!!?! Again, here is what I know: you learned your strength, you purpose, your inner fire, your lesson, your desire, your passion, your love of self and others..... "that which does not kill me only strengthens me". I also learned that it takes less energy to let go than it does to remain energetic in keeping a tight grip on the pain, the emotion, the sadness, the depression, the hurt. When I realized that my Ex said and did the hurtful things because he was coming from a place of pure ego and pain body, it made it easier to feel compassion towards him. It meant he was no longer the monster I made him out to be and more like me. Someone just trying to make it in this world and having very little tools to work with other than those of the tricky egoic mind. Perhaps this is the truest form of "Satan"? He and I, acted and reacted from an unawareness, from our pain bodies. You can't hurt me, I'll hurt you first Hurt or be hurt, and win at all costs. Sound familiar? Putting space between you, your thoughts and "you" doesn't mean they are permanently gone. Contrary to popular demand they just get placed in a mental rolodex. This rolodex spins every day and all day long and if you don't deal with the thoughts, the emotions that cause you (and others ) pain, the rolodex spits out the card that forces you to handle it. Avoidance is never the answer...I know because I have tried unsuccessfully! The saving grace in all this is that when you look at the index card from a place of love, peace, compassion and deeper understanding, you can finally release the emotions that block your higher self like dirt clogs a pore. Only when I could forgive myself for being stubborn and unloving towards he and I, could I totally and completely LET GO of that particular emotion and move smoothly and loving on to the next emotion when it comes up.
I am not by any means assuming I am completely done and am now a great teacher or expert. I am not perfect and I still have a ton more to learn. As a very dear friend said to me, "it's a daily process." Hell it's a second by second process! It's raw emotion. It's facing pain head on. It's turning the other cheek. It's releasing the stresses of pretending to be in control and knowing that I don't have to any more. A lot like when Bruce realized he couldn't be God in Bruce Almighty. One day I heard my voice ( which was God talking to me) say: "it's time to let me do this. You've done well but now it's time to rest. I've got your back on this Naomi. I know what needs to be done and what needs to be done is already being done. Sit back, relax, have some tea and watch what I do....just let me do it!" I don't know about you guys, but sometimes the daily battle of living makes me tired. How refreshing it is to let someone, actually more qualified than me, take over and actually give me permission to take (paid) time off !
Not really hard at all when you stop to think about it.
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