As many of you know I very recently discovered that the woman my ex husband cheated on me with, was still in his life as recently as April and May when he and I were still married. Not only had he continued to lie to me but he ended up re-gifting her a ring he had once given me. As you can imagine, and with good reason, I was thunderstruck...I can't say which hurt more: the lies, the truth or my ring now belonging to "the other woman" and needless to say I was carrying a heavy new burden from that realization. At first glance I rolled with the punch, I rationalized that he was no longer my problem, that karma would kick his ass from here to next year, that I was still standing. Slowly however I started to entertain more dark thoughts and familiar feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and utter emotional pain. I had, or so I thought, gotten to a place in my mind where I could begin to look at that whole situation as detached from it it...it simply didn't matter any more, what was done was done.So when I found myself visiting her FaceBook page and learning her maiden name and birth date to "track her down" I knew I had not been as successful as I had thought. Long story short I found out quite a bit about her and admittedly hold on to this information "just in case"....hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! In that process I struggled again to work through and let go of the feelings I was having: they both made a conscious decision to keep seeing each other despite the fact the the preliminary divorce expressly forbid it, they both made the decision to see each other despite the fact that his (then) wife was at home doing all the hard work (yet again) towards the ultimate goal of a divorce. They both made the decision to throw caution to the wind and toss discretion out the window knowing that there was a family at the other end of those decisions being torn apart. I'm sorry but there is no pussy or dick that is that good (sorry Dad...I know you're reading this)! I felt such a deep sense of betrayal, how could anyone with so much to lose make such poor choices? What woman and a nurse practitioner to boot, who knew the man she was sleeping with had a wife and 2 kids at home, the wife is in a wheel chair, the wife had told them both she was suicidal...what woman would continue to flirt with danger? I felt abandoned AGAIN.
In my daily lessons, I have learned that when a problem keeps appearing, it usually means that there is still more to learn from it. It's not over till the fat lady sings and she hadn't sung yet.....now I am just plain pissed off. I wanted to be done with it once and for all! I didn't like feeling this way...left out, alone, used, betrayed, lonely, hurt and even desperate. I tried forgiving them both but that hadn't seemed to work because here I was facing that same old tightness in my chest, the tooth grinding, the ball of un-cried tears in my throat and the endless distraction of unhappy thoughts. I begged God to just let me be done with it already! I was tired of taking several steps forward only to be yanked back into "reality"....I know you know what I mean. We all feel this way from time to time. I'm willing to bet the old saying "just when things were going so good..." came about from such feelings.
I knew I had to face head on the real feelings that were under the surface. Fear always masks anger and yes I was ANGRY. I spent 20 years trying to make our house into a home, to make him see that he was my beloved husband, that I loved him, that I would always be there for him. I never got so much as a nod of approval from him but DID get a lot of complaints and countless arguments. So yeah, I was angry. But I was also angry, as I found out, at myself for thinking that things between he and I could be "different" and for allowing myself to believe in a dream that I could never have but only because it was never MY dream and at my parents and especially my dad. I was angry that they both appeared to leave me to my own devices as a child. They had their own problems and sometimes I got shoved into a corner.....at least that's how my ego interpreted any negative and highly emotional event. My dad had abandoned me when he married my mom, my dad had forsaken me when he began wearing glasses, my dad had disappointed me when I caught him crying, my dad and abandoned me when my parents got divorced and when I wasn't "daddy's lil'girl" my dad had betrayed me.
Now of course, my father had married my mother long before I became an idea. My father needed glasses, my father cried because he was hurt and was acting as any human emotionally hurt would, my father (and mother) were not ready for the challenges of parenthood by the time I came around and, I suspect that they had begun to accept that sinking feeling that they shouldn't have been married to begin with, so I could never be his little girl; he simply did not have the capacity, in my mind, to be that kind of father at that time in our lives and he never abandoned me but rather his go nowhere broken marriage. I know these things NOW. I understand these things NOW. I "get" the whole parenthood challenge NOW...how it feels to be thrust into parenthood before you ever had a chance to figure out the being married part. I think I was lucky as an adult to have been the oldest because I helped look after my brothers, helped to raise my BFF's daughter...these things helped prepare me for motherhood, even though it's like trying to compare apples to oranges.
My reason for bringing this up is that my silly ego, the part of our brains' that are responsible for making sense out of the senseless, decided that that those series of "sad" events were confirmation to the random thought that I was unimportant, that I did not matter and anything good would be taken away. My 5 and 6 year old ego set out at making this "confirmation" into a life long marble carving so that every action and reaction I made and had in my later years would further confirm I wasn't worth it. So when Walter threw me into the arena of ULTIMATE BETRAYAL I was unable to forgive and forget because I had not yet worked through the inappropriate feelings and emotions from childhood. Yes, I had a tricky childhood....we ALL do and in my opinion those folks who taut how wonderful their childhood was are liars or were never really a part of their own fantasy. None of us is ever truly born into the perfect family, into the arms of the perfect parents, right? And as I am learning parents do the best they can with the tools and skills they thought they had. My parents made mistakes....of this we can all agree, but they loved me beyond all measure and despite their shortcomings, mistakes, and sometimes out right failures, I turned out pretty damned good. I wouldn't trade anything that was my childhood for all the money in this world. So.....what's the cookie?
When life offers us pure bliss, even when it is fleeting, we miss the monumental importance of that bliss if we expect bad to follow. We can't help but think that because it is a conditioned response. Bliss is Spirit's way of reminding us that life isn't as bad as we imagine that it is, definitely not as serious as we feel like it is and that the moments of bliss are celebrations that we aced the test. I am finally DONE with Walter and Angela. Spirit told me it was time to rest, he's got my back and everything is in lock down. I've done a great job all this time and now it's time to let Spirit put the decisions they made into action. Karma is real...it's the whole cause and effect thing that makes this world, your world, my world move effortlessly from lesson to lesson. I no longer need to feel the tightness in my chest and the old inadequate and inappropriate feelings of abandonment because I don't need to catch Walter in a lie. I don't need to protect myself or my children from his shenanigans. Someone else, SPIRIT ( or God, the Universe, etc) will handle it for me....my job is done and my next task is to continue to move forward and continue to blossom into the amazing person that I have been all along and just forgot. This is true of every one of us.....we were in fact born at the perfect time, into the perfect family and to perfect parents. How so? Look at who you are right now?
Pretty amazing....you temporarily forgot. Everything you've done or said got you to where you are right now. If you read this and have an aha moment, then you're even closer to knowing your divine purpose. Always remember and never forget that you are what sages throughout history have referred to as the co-creator of your world. You and I were destined for greatness and the free will Spirit gave us is nothing more than a decision we made or will make that will ultimately (and ALWAYS) get us to the predestined greatness.
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