A letter to myself

I've been reading "A Course In Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. A large complex book that addresses the real reasons, on a spiritual level, why a person ( in this case me) is unable to lose weight permanently. I bought this book for my kindle along with "A Course In Miracles" by Helen Schucman and have been gaining such insight and discovering who I was meant to be, who the Divine Spirit is and how to initiate a beautiful relationship with Spirit and, as it pertains to food and weight, with myself. Today's lesson was to reopen the lines of communication with my "thin self" and my "not-thing self" through means of a letter. The following is the letter I wrote to my "not-thin self" followed with a reply from this self. I am sharing this letter for no other reason then I know in my heart and soul I am not the only person (male or female) that has similar conversations with themselves. You might not be an over eater but you could be obsessed with the idea of food, you might be that over eater, like me, and afraid to admit it to yourself (again like me) that this problem is larger than you and that everything you've done to this point isn't working.  When I first saw those words in the book I about to close the book and ask for a refund. How dare this skinny woman who sits there in her fancy house writing fancy books tell me that I have to embrace the idea that I have to let go of the idea that I can't do this alone, that I failed to this point, that my relationship to food is out of control and therefore the problem is, literally, bigger than me! But when I decided to reread that paragraph and look from a soft heart and with soft eyes. Once I did I realized that, damnit, she's right. Everything I have done thus far hasn't worked at least on a permanent basis. I've done a good job at trying but I have forgotten the one thing that I could have used....the one sure fire ace up my sleeve that guarantees permanent success: God, the Divine Spirit, Spirit, Holy Mind, The Universe or whatever label works for you. The point was, and is, that through all things GOD or as Marianne Williamson says " I can't but God can!" If you are struggling with your weight and/or self image, if you struggle daily with self sabotage I encourage you to read A Course In Weight Loss. Since we all connected by the ethereal strands to bind us we are in "this" together. Time zones, longitude, latitude even space itself cannot separate us. I recently finally understood just how profound those words are. Nothing.....NOTHING separates us from each other. What thoughts I have today even if they are about myself, with ripple along the spider web of space and time affecting everyone else along the way. That thought you had affected the rest of us and so on. At first it might feel like a lot of unnecessary responsibility knowing just how tightly bonded we all are to each other, but it's actually a relief to know we are truly never alone. Yes there is the responsibility but the good news is it takes one person to become aware to spark the fire of someone else's awareness. One by one the web of connection---the real "world wide web" will manifest the kind of people that, working together with each other and God, that is necessary for global change. Worst case scenario is that you learned something powerful about yourself, you became a better human being and, unless you actually enjoy being a miserable, old-too-soon, son of a biscuit- how bad can it really be feeling a deep never ending love and joy ?

Dear Telletub-o-lard:

You drive me effing nuts when you can't say no to a doughnut once in a while and that every time I get things under control, you swoop in and mess stuff up! You always gotta throw a monkey wrench in things, especially when I've worked so hard to fix the last mess you made! I really wish you would just leave once and for all! You cost me my marriage, my husband. You helped put our body into a wheelchair and are an embarrassment to your children, family and friends. I wish you could just say no to that 3rd slice of pizza, or eat 2 doughnuts instead of 4, I wish you didn't have chocolate cravings and, in order to satisfy them, you eat the whole bag of M&M'S. All I want to eat is fruits and vegetables and really cool and healthy things. Sometimes you want to but you don't and that really pisses me off! Don't you get it?! Our body craves the good stuff NOT the bad stuff and because you can't turn down a cookie or sweet roll and lie to yourself about how many scoops of ice cream you just ate, this body is forced to rebuild messed up kidneys, sit all day rather than be able to walk around the park and lift weights and use witch hazel to take a bath with and rely on others to help us get around.... not to mention listening to the doctors yell at us about our weight and our health!  I hate looking in the mirror and seeing your fat face looking back at me or seeing yet another wound on your leg. It's really really hard lugging these heavy-ass legs around. I hate the way they jiggle when we walk.
Walter left you, no big deal. He was never yours to begin with. He left because HE was weak, not you. He left you because HE was afraid not you. He left because he was selfish and greedy and petty and sought outside stimuli...that is about him and NOT you.  That being said, you came into my life when I thought I needed protection from the outside world. Protection from Mr. Molester, from people making fun of us, from a tarnished childhood. You did a great job at actually protecting us, but we are no longer that scared little girl. Holding on to the familiar, the excess weight, won't make Walter come back, won't make him suddenly realize how good he had it when he was married to us. It won't change the fact that parts of our childhood sucked...our parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time, period! It wasn't personal and still isn't. But even if it was personal, God will take care of it and US!  Hiding behind the weight and the food isn't working anymore. It's holding us back and keeping us out of the loop. You think you're weak but look at everything you've gone through so far:
You did get married AND
You did get divorced and lived to tell the story of both!
You gave birth to TWO fantastic young men who despite their current status adore you, fat and all.
You have outlived several of your best friends!
You even outlived your own attempts to kill yourself!
You have lived through the humility of abortions and the disappointments of miscarriages
When you had pneumonia and could have died, you said 'hell no!' and kicked its ass!
You kept us off the radar of Mr Molester....
You reversed our kidney disease........I could not have done any of these things without you and I am so very grateful to you for doing so much. But its time to let God handle the rest. It's time to get healed from head to toe and from heart to soul. You and I were not meant to be heavy in spirit and body. We weren't meant to carry this weight and to suffer this way and I for one am fed up with all the emotional pain and the seemingly endless physical pain. Can you just let go already and let God??!


Dear Friggin Twiggy:

You got a lot of nerve, you know it?! Quit trying to rush me! Sure it's taken 40 years but damn....everything good is worth weighting for, am I right?! You talk about "we" and "us" but from my perspective I've done ALL the hard work and you have gotten all the glory. Not cool and sure and shit not fair! I know it's hard to carry this weight---do you really think I like looking at my fat face and knowing it could be your skinny face instead. Kinda pisses ME off that it's not that skinny face and that, smart one, is why I eat like I do. It makes the pain of knowing I failed again a little easier to swallow, literally. Being 'skinny' mean making us open to rejection, deeper pain, emotional hurt. It means that we have to be willing to face the big scary outer world head on with no padding......chew on that one for a while cupcake!!!! I'm going as fast as I can...UGH, you are just so impatient! I like my comfort zone--it's safe. BUT I get what you're saying that life would be easier if there wasn't so much weight to carry around. All I have wanted was for you to like me, to listen to me. I mean I might have some pretty cool ideas once in a while but you're soooo busy telling me to shut the hell up! I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to thank me for everything I've done,to say thanks for all the times I kept us from feeling physical pain. Truth be told I thought I was doing a pretty good job at avoiding emotional pain but I see I wasn't as clever as I thought. And instead of you telling me it's okay, there was no such thing as failure, you just stuffed me further inside and deeper on the shelf. NOW that I have your attention, now that I know that you do love me, I find that I really am tired of working so hard. It's been hard work keeping us fat all these years! So thank you for realizing who and what I was and am. I am glad to let go and let God. I'm tired. Thank you for listening to me and thank you for letting me back into the light.