Fear

I used to think of myself as "fearless". I saw myself as capable of handling any and everything that I was faced with....well, except spiders, then I scream like a girl and make someone "kill it! Kill it!"....reeeeally hate spiders. So ok, I am almost fearless, don't judge.

I digress. Fear is a powerful emotion and has the power to stop us cold in our tracks be it a spider, high places, the dark, the basement or attic, fear of failure, rejection, or death itself, we all have something we fear. The recent Government shutdown left many in the icy grip of fear worried that there wasn't enough to go around;  that food, money and resources would run out before the crisis would end. Pick any timeline on Twitter or Facebook and you can clearly see how tight the fear grip was.....and how quickly fear was replaced with anger when Congress waited till the 11th hour to come to our "rescue" only to creep out of town presumably to avoid the pelting of rotten tomatoes and harsh words from all affected.  There really is no way to" sugar coat" what those bozos did in such a short time and how it affected so many now and perhaps beyond. Clearly,  some branches of Government have gotten too big for their britches and when the time comes, we really need to vote for a change across the board!

Fear keeps us stuck. Stuck in the past and afraid to move forward. It seems that we would rather be stuck and miserable than go blindly into the perceived "unknown". We know what to be afraid of when we're stuck.....there is a certain amount if comfort that comes from being stuck. I know this all too well since I stayed stuck in a marriage that I knew was failing, had already failed. The fear of not knowing how I would manage on my own kept me stuck for 20 years. Being stuck and miserable gave me the illusion and comfort  that I had control over myself, my sons,  and my husband,  the marriage, the problem. It was like a giant puzzle I had to figue out, piece by piece. Once I finished the puzzle,  I woukd have all the ansers and having the answers meant I could fix the problem(s)/people. It wasn't until I failed at suicide and made the climb back to the top that I began to make peace with the notion that I will never have all the answers and that its okay not to. The best part?

Reality is fluid, always moving and changing. The answers I might have right now will not pertain to the event that unfolds seconds from now...... what a relief!

I actually don't have to worry any more about what I do or do not know. Since reality is ever flowing and changing, the answers will came as needed.  That unknown that I was afraid of, was not the darkness I imagined, but mostly old programming, some of which wasn't even mine! Let's face it, half of what we believe came from our well meaning parents who, were "programmed" with their parents fear and so on down the line. As little kids we have no choice but to be captive to our parents' fears. I am not talking about the fear of us dying, getting badly burned or even kidnapped. Those fears are things that actually kept us safe, moderately healthy and free from kitchen disasters. I'm talking about those fears of inadequacy and lacking.  The fears that if the children aren't perfect it will somehow shine the mirror of shame on the parents.  The fears that the child or children that are to fat or too skinny will shine the mirror of neglect or over indulgence, the fears that the child or children who misbehave in public will shine the mirror of laziness on the part of the parents. My mother is a preachers daughter and so you can imagine the fears that her mother projected on to her and in turn were handed down to me. Here's the thing..... somewhere along the line we have to let go of all of those fears because we are not captive as adults. The only way you and I can remain captive to those fears is by choosing to keep them by building on or justifying them as real.  In other words the boogy man is all in our heads and the dark scary closet is just that,  a closet with the lights turned off.

Much of what we fear never ever happens and what does end up happening turns out not to be as bad as we thought.  The truth is that the shutdown was only an inconvenience and also a chance to dig deeper to find what we're really made of both as induviduals and as a nation. The truth is that our fears are what we make them to be. We make them big and scary, we make them the things that keep us stuck.

When we can see our fears as "fig Newtons of your imagination" and merely speed bumps in life, we can face them, see them for what the are.......little people behind the curtain of our minds who pull levers that make loud sounds and a lot of smoke but nothing else. When the smoke and mirrors and loud sounds are revealed, we are suddenly able to live the life we were meant to live, one of ultimate peace where all of our needs are met and all is well......always.
Carry On~