2012---a year in review

When I first thought of the idea for this post I thought I would have nothing but the bad things to recap. It seems to me that the last several months have been nothing but news. Hurricane Sandy, mall shooting in Portland, shootings in Connecticut, midnight shooting in Colorado, the deaths of Whitney Houston, Phyllis Diller ( et al ) and of course the angst over 12-21-12 -- I perused Google in hopes of finding something, some little story tucked away and forgotten and found nothing but confirmation that, for most of us, the year 2012 pretty much sucked. I felt defeated! Wasn't there anything that happened in 2012 that was actually good?

Finally! Stuffed in the closet of news I found this little story. It starts off sad, the loss of life, but ends in triumph and happiness.....on January 5, 2012 a little girl named Jessie Rees lost her battle to brain cancer. During her 12 years of life she probably lived more than any of us will ever in our lifetime. She not only embraced life but death secure in the fact that she would one day "earn her angel wings". Even as she struggled, her thoughts were on how she could help other children and their families during their own battle with childhood cancer etc. At 12 she instinctively knew the power of laughter and happiness. She created something called:  Joy Jars. 

A 6 year old Will Lourcey decided that he would work at ending hunger not only in his own town but in other towns and throughout the U.S. He created 'FROGs' ( Friends Reaching Our Goals). This was a unique way he and his friends could come up with ideas on how to raise money for the fight against hunger.  Even at 6 years old he knew that hunger in America is unacceptable and acted.

Cassandra Lin is changing the world "one fry at a time" by turning grease into fuel and helping the less fortunate in her community. She created  Project TGIF which basically recycles all the used grease from fast food and others into usable alternative fuel.   On December 24th, 2012 Will, Jessie and Cassandra were honored by CNN for their amazing contributions.  These children saw a need and rather than get bogged down with the what if's and the I wish I could help's and the bureaucratic bullshit that some adults get lost in they just DID IT.  Along the way they inspired others to do the same, to join the cause or start their own cause.

As I read these stories and got lost in others I found some comfort knowing the the year 2012 was not a total loss. That it's not hard to see the good in people, and less harder to be the good. Yes, times are hard and times will be harder. Life is sometimes chock full of sadness, death and sorrow. But how we deal with it is half as important as what he gain to learn from it.  We can no longer afford to look to others for the solution. We have for too long rested on "I'll do it later" or "it's not my problem to fix" and in my opinion, we've lost sight of the idea that we are all in this together. Good bad and otherwise. The problem belongs to all of us and the solution can be found in all of us. These three children ( and countless before and after them) have showed us how to rise strong in times of uncertainty. How to stare into the face of failure and death and never blink! When we come together, putting our differences aside and work to end hunger, cure cancer, end poverty etc we become the strong nation we once were. So.......

Wisdom

If it's not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life's prayer of becoming and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that you might know your own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion. 

A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen.

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity - traits of the immortal - your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as what we feel for you.

Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.


Bowing before Greatness,
~The Universe

Sometimes there are no words.....

Last week 26 lives were cut short and their surviving families faced their own "apocalypse". With that came an age old debate about guns, our second amendment rights and mental disease. I don't think anyone can deny that the tragedy that occurred in Newtown, CT is just that, a tragedy. Today (12/22/12) marks the final funerals for the victims and their loved ones. Across this country thousands of people, including our government officials, are debating the issue of gun control. The subject is turning out to be like politics and religion...you just don't talk about it in friendly terms.

The following is my opinion. As such I may offend some but I leave the door open to more discussion about this topic. Gun control is not an answer or a solution.


"Gun control is any law, policy, practice, or proposal designed to restrict or limit the possession, production, importation, shipment, sale...."(wikipedia) that being said there is no real way to lawfully restrict the sale and use of guns without going against the second amendment rights of U.S.citizens. But this really isn't about our second amendment rights. As with illegal drugs, there will always be a flaw in the design. Clearly the war on drugs has been dwarfed by those who continue to buy and sell illegal drugs. The answer to this dilemma is to reconsider the possibility of legalizing drugs and deeply taxing them. But this does little in the way of solving the issue of gun control, does it? After days of silence the NRA came forward and demanded that Congress add armed security guards in front of American schools as the "solution". They blamed violent video games, pointed fingers at politicians and criticized the media for "mistruths" regarding the types of weapons used (12/21/12 press release here). They seem hell bent on protesting against the use of "high caliber" weapons in the Newtown shooting and in my mind missing the point all together. The point, in my mind, being that regardless of what type of gun was used, 26 lives were cut short on 12/15/12! The NRA missed an opportunity to unite with politicians and community leaders on ways to prevent this type of tragedy from ever happening again. Instead they gave us their typical battle cry: "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"




Adam Lanza, Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, James Holmes, Jared Loughner, and Seung-Hui Cho. We are all well acquainted with these names. They are the names and faces of mental disease. They were allowed to slip through the cracks of health care. That is the real problem and we are all to blame. We cried foul about "Obama care", we became the angry mob at the very idea of gun control, we bristled at the thought of higher taxes......at every step we said "NO WAY!" and the time has now come where serious talk must lead into serious action. President Obama said it best when he said " saying we can no longer accept events like this has become routine". As I end this post, I leave you with this.........



I don't have the answer. I don't believe anyone at this time has the answer. I do know that there is answer and I know that until we all stop fussing and changing the focus away from serious talk and serious action on gun regulation, mental health etc. will we actually create a solution. The 26 lives can't be lost in vain, they have to have counted for something. Their families who now face the first Christmas without them are looking to all of us to make sure something like this never ever happens again....period! We must do the right thing even when it may creep up on our personal comfort zones.

The New Adventures of Old VanWinklet

I must have been buried alive in a past life....there is simply no other explanation for the absolute terror that I feel when anything lighter than a feather is on my face, specifically my nose and mouth. So when I found out I had "severe obstruction sleep apnea" I walked through my life with the little twinges of fear making a nest in my belly. I did a lot of self pep talks as I reasoned with my head and mounting fear that have a CPAP machine was actually going to be a god thing. I would sleep better, wake more refreshed, I always have an escape hatch ( as in ripping the mask frantically form my fave and sucking in fresh air), once my body got used to the new way of sleeping I would start to lose weight....blah blah blah. Now in my heart of hearts I know that all of those things are in fact true but that nest of fear was beginning to grow larger and take the shape of another personality.


The place I had to go to was rather strange to begin with. It felt like I was in a massive call center where all the little cubical mice ran from around the water cooler to the claustrophobic sectioned spots. The walls did not reach the ceilings and were painted a dreary beige. There were holiday decorations scattered about the place as if someone puked up candy canes and called it Christmas. There was a 6 foot Christmas tree stuck in a corner of the lobby and I had to really restrain myself from re-positioning ornaments that had just been clumped together with no rhyme or reason. Chairs were lined against the wall like the area reserved for the wall flowers at the prom. After an eternity of restraining to fix the tree my " technician called me into his office. An over sized round table to the left, another wall of lined up chairs but this time the chairs had plastic bags full of equipment sitting it nearly all of them. He proceeded to recite his speech, well memorized over the years on how to use the machine. Soon it was clear that we were getting to the actual fitting part....and cue the nest of perfectly formed panic! As I am literally gritting my teeth in anticipation of this little bald head pokes through and looks at me, makes excuses for the intrusion and then asks for some part of some machine. Problem solved, the bald head disappears.

Here comes the fitting part---damn it! Wheres the bald head when you need it!!!?? For some reason my "tech" decided to manically wrap my head into the head gear VERY TIGHTLY! He kept asking me if it was too tight and when I nodded my head he tightened it more! I think I lost the feeling in my forehead and couldn't help but think of Peyton Manning who at every game does his QB thing and then strolls to the sidelines. When he takes of his helmet off there is a HUGE red mark the shape of the padding inside. Tighter and tighter he yanks of the head straps....now he flips the switch and like a mutant alien seeking entrance to my brain the nose piece makes some weird vapor sound and...............little bald head re-enters the room and they just start chatting about something bald head can't find. I am fighting for my life, my brain and for the attention of my "tech"! Hellooooooo? Over here! I'm the one over here that is wrestling with the mutant alien.....a little help?



Fast forward to last night at home. Now it's time to go to bed with my face alien. I could not get it comfortable. Too tight and my upper lip disappeared into the mask and the mask mashed itself into my teeth. Too lax and I had air escaping into either one of my eyes, moderately tight and the mask kept making a weird noise like when you let air squeal free from a balloon. I fussed and fiddled with my alien for 4 hours and finally ripped it off my face turned the damned thing off and fell instantly to sleep. God love my son who heard me bitching about it through massive gulps of my coffee......he disappeared into the back of the house and returned with my alien. Together through trial and error we found a comfort zone which was as simple as adjusting the friggin nasal bridge piece! Yeah......I feel
 and damned tired!

God Moving Over the Face of The Waters

...is actually the title of one my most favorite Moby pieces of music. And part of why I am blogging today. Most everyone who reads my blogs knows that I put a great deal of time and effort into maintaining my "Zen" state. There is so much bullshit out there in the world and it's enough to drive a person insane. Sometimes I wonder if people who are "insane" aren't just taking a mental day off, as it were. I also think that some of that crap is the reason we see higher numbers of alcohol and drug use in teens. Think about it....mom and dad are completely stressed, spread thin and worn out. Worried about day to day life and it's indefinite struggles, our kids can lost in the crowd. To cover up all their own demons teens turn to booze and drugs. I know that is how I dealt with some of my teen years and I don't think a teen from the 70's is any different from a teen of 2012. But that isn't really why I wanted to blog today. Parents sometimes put the weight of the world on their own kids shoulders and all the while expecting greatness from their kids. I think we may have seen that in the recent suicides of some NFL players---the pressure is just too much to bear.

Every now and again I get overwhelmed and stuck in the mud of "BS". Clam diggers will tell you that if you stop too long in the bog it will eventually "eat you". Sometimes I feel like a clam digger that stopped too long and am struggling to get free from the thick cold wet mud. Sometimes the more I wiggle trying to get out, the deeper I sink down. Sometimes just as I wiggle free, my immediate family (husband and oldest son) will load their own BS on my lap and down I sink again. I know that I am not unique in this phenomenon; if I were there would not be a world wide epidemic of people taking antidepressants. Don't get me wrong--I take them and I am glad that I do. Unless I was devoid of all stress in my life there is no way I would want to live without them! There is no shame in using them, as far as I am concerned. The comforting thing about them is that they don't numb you to reality, the only help you handle reality more effectively. It took me a looooong time to realize that! Before I started taking them I struggled, down to my core, with the (false) idea that using them was a sign of weakness, that I was crazy. As my Mom would later tell me, it was a sign of strength to know when to ask for help.

I speak a lot about "Zen". For me it's not so much a following of a "religion" as it is a state of being. When my mind is quiet I can better handle life.Think of it as the difference between AM radio and FM radio. AM is monochromatic. FM radio is rich and vibrant.  One of he things I do to maintain my Zen is to listen to my isochronic tones and other quiet relaxing music. The more important part of my Zen is to always acknowledge that God, is in fact, moving across my turbulent waters. Recently I posted a tweet that said, and I quote: "There are few places in this world where God dwells and Chapel of The Holy Cross in Sedona, Arizona is one of them". If you've never been there you are missing out on a unique experience. On the whole I do not go to church nor would I recommend any church...... I've been to enough of them, that I can't see any good in it. My opinion, which I've shared before is, that you can't be God-like on Sunday morning and beat the wife and kids or kick the cat the rest of the week. Yes-sure, God will forgive you but why tempt fate? For me it has turned out to be the case of the barrel of apples being spoiled by the one or  more people in several churches who behaved as if they could do or say whatever they wanted because Sunday morning services wiped the slate clean. But I digress............

In the early 80's I found myself on a road trip to Flagstaff with my best friend EVER Bill Curby. It was he who introduced me to the above Chapel.We were to visit his sister and on the way we drove through Sedona. Along the way in some back alley bar, he and I got stoned. Not proud of it but nor am I sorry that I did it. We made our way to "this really cool place". He and I walked the path upwards to this massive church and then sat down and caught our breath just outside of the entrance. We giggled and cackled like the people that we were at that time. Bill allowed me the privilege of being exactly who I was, no strings attached. He always made me laugh and sometimes so hard I peed myself. He saw in my my potential for greatness when I could not.

Anyway, we finally gathered our wits, but still felt a little like when you know you have to go into a solemn event but you can't stop giggling, and we took the last few steps inside. The moment I walked into the chapel something fell over me. I knew instantly that this place was a truly holy and reverent place. The effects of my chemically altered self were obliterated. I had a whole new sense of clarity and focus.  My chest was heavy and warm much like the feeling you get when you're in love. My body felt lighter and electric all at once but I could not move. I began to cry. I had the overwhelming sense of being in the presence of God though he was not physically there.... I realized in that moment that I was lucky enough to "see" him in the rock formations ,the candles that people lit in prayer, in the people who lit the candles, and the shadows on the chapel floor.  His presence was what I felt in my chest and any air I breathed in was the of breath Him.

Now, hold on, I realize that sounds like maybe my Zoloft isn't working or even the chemicals had not worn off, right?  But isn't that how God works for all of us?  Just like that day I stood in the Chapel and could not stop crying, the moment my head realized I was in the presence of God; he works like that with everyone. Some of us are mostly too busy to fully understand it, others might "get it" but too quickly lose touch and ultimately lose faith. I know just how easy it is to blame God for all the bad in life and to use it as some sort of justification for why I lost my Faith and my Faith in God,which are actually one in the same! This Sunday I will be 52 and I still not have mastered myself. I, like you, am a constantly evolving work in progress and so I leave you with this..........

In my opinion, God works in each of us according to the way we believe.  He leaves little remnants of himself, like he did in June 1982,  in shadows on a chapel floor. So whether you call him God, Jehovah, YHWH, or The Universe, only when we are still and quiet enough,will we ever see, feel, or hear the presence of God, of our inner divine.  I refuse to believe that life is only a series of unfortunate mistakes and missed opportunities but more about those little remnants of God and the shadows spilled across a chapel floor.  I am learning, every day, that we can longer afford to wait for someone else to take up the cause. We must be proactive towards our own goals. That each of us has to be the change we seek.

Excerpts of my son's homework :)

Keep in mind this is only a tiny snippet of what I drafted...........

When evidence is obtained illegally, the law states that this evidence cannot be used in a court hearing and against the suspect. This is called The Exclufnsionary Rule. In the example of the stolen salt shaker, if the tip was anonymous, it was decided by the U.S. Supreme Court that law enforcement no longer have the authority to stop the suspect and search him/her for evidence based on said tip. The evidence that may have been found during this search can be excluded. Other examples of illegally obtained evidence include neglecting to inform a suspect that he/she is not obligated to answer any questions during interrogation. This is also known as the Miranda Rights and they are important! They state, in part, that you as a suspect have the right to “remain silent” and the right to an attorney. Another example would be if law enforcement obtained a search warrant but did not first give the suspect the ability to consent to letting officers in. In other words, if the police have a search warrant and break down the door before giving you the option to let them in peacefully, any and all evidence obtained will more than likely be excluded from trail proceedings. This is also referred to as the “knock then enter” rule. The Exclusionary Rule (2¹) was a court made rule due in part because the federal courts saw potential violations of the 4^th Amendment rights of citizens arrested and subsequently convicted based on evidence that was illegally obtained and did not fall under the guidelines of a warrant-less search and seizure.

There is however a loophole to this rule. It is called the Good Faith Exception (or Doctrine). It basically allows evidence that was illegally gathered to actually be included in trial if law enforcement who gathered the evidence believe they acted lawfully or in good faith. This happens when a warrant is “defective” or “stale”...............

In conclusion, the U.S. Constitution was created by forefathers who wanted to “form a more perfect union” then that of our British roots. They drafted the Constitution as way of preventing the newly formed Government from being the majority and presenting itself as above the law. James Madison feared both the abuse of power by Government but also the abuse of power by the people being protected by the Constitution. Lacking a crystal ball but possessing great knowledge they knew the Constitution was an owners manual for the way our nation was at the time and not for the way our nation would later become. They set into motion the Amendments as way to potentially answer the questions of the unknown. Many people of the time saw the document as perfect and whole not needing amending. James Jackson, representative from Georgia said:

"Our Constitution, sir, is like a vessel just launched, and lying at the wharf," Jackson said. "She is untried, you can hardly discover any one of her properties. It is not known how she will answer her helm, or lay her course; whether she will bear with safety the precious freight to be deposited in her hold. But, in this state, will the prudent merchant attempt alterations? Will he employ workmen to tear off the planking and take asunder the frame?" Meaning that no one person or people can fully know whether the constitution did in fact need adjusting since it had not yet been fully tested or used.



The Bill of Rights was Madison's aim to “amend” things that otherwise required no amendment. We know them our God given rights. They still outlined these rights, leaving no stone upturned....nothing to guess. By 1992 17 additional amendments were added. They ended slavery, outlined in what manner a President is elected and how long he can serve, gave voting rights to women as well as those of different race or religious freedoms, they made it so that no income tax could be avoided by anyone ( this is still hotly debated as seen in the recent campaigns of Gov Romney and President Obama), they outlined who would be in charge should the president become disabled, as seen with the assassination of JFK. It's important to note that amendments can be change in only two ways: Both the House and Senate may pass a proposed amendment, each by a two-thirds majority. The amendment must then be approved by three-quarters of the states. The other path -- never taken -- allows for two-thirds of the states to call a constitutional convention where amendments could be passed and then sent to the states for approval. * This is, I think, a way of making certain that amendments can not be changed to suit the emotional state of any one person or situation. Keeping the uniformity of the Constitution. Thomas Jefferson understood that he would not see the Constitution or the Bill of Rights utilized to their fullest extent. He later wrote to his friend James Madison:
"Some men look at Constitutions with sanctimonious reverence, and deem them, like the Ark of the Covenant, too sacred to be touched. They ascribe to the men of the preceding age a wisdom more than human, and suppose what they did to be beyond amendment. I knew that age well; I belonged to and labored with it."
Nothing is ever etched in stone, there is always room for improvement. I believe our forefathers not only recognized this reality but attempted to plan for it. I for one am very glad that the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights is prominent in my protection and that of my family and friends.

1, 2 buckle my shoe-3, 4 shut the schools door

I read in the morning paper today that the school district (TUSD) is proposing 11 school closures, 2 of which I attended in Jr. High and High School. This not only saddens me but it pisses me off. Not because they are schools I attended but because the district, in it's ultimate "wisdom", has decided that in order to close the gap in it's HUGE debt that closing schools will be the answer to the problem. In my mind this has the effect of trying to put out a raging fire with gasoline. Not only does this proposal displace students, it disrupts their learning ability. Any one who was had a parent in the military will tell you how difficult it was to start the school year in one school only to finish it at another, not to mention the friendships they could never kindle. This proposal also adds to the growing strain on teachers.
                                       
When I was in school I had every tool I needed to be successful, be it pencils, paper, or books. Today's kids come on from the first day of school with a massive list of items that unless the parent provides them, the teacher will not be able to. Teachers will now be required to teach larger classes which will ultimately create the potential for some students to be "lost in the shuffle".  Regardless of what political association any of us have we all can agree that education in today's world is paramount to a child's success later in life. Today's job market is becoming more and more technical and when the position can not be filled here, it ultimately gets shipped out overseas.  As a parent of a student, I am faced with helping him with the tools he needs and tapping into my own limited resources.

Across the country there are more and more schools being closed, factories shutting down, homes being foreclosed on.There are already several schools closed in Tucson and they stand empty as a reminder that the system failed the children. How the hell do we as parents look into the eyes of our students and tell them what a great country this is, when all around them is chaos? How do we assure them education is important when they maybe faced with dropping out just to help support the family by getting a job---which may not be waiting for them? I don't have all the answers and I am beyond frustrated with the increasingly irresponsible spending, the poor planning and lack of judgement on the part of the district. We need better teachers who can excite his/her students imaginations, who can keep them fired up about the learning process. Not all teachers are good teachers. I think the school districts need to weed out the bad apples and make room for the one's who do care and are excited to teach.

I leave you with this...... 

I believe that this country, as with war veterans, owes a great deal of respect and gratitude to those teachers who really have a passion for learning and teaching. I think that the so called "powers that be" within any school district should first examine their own pay stub and look for ways to cut their pay. No one can argue that clearly these decision makers are not in the trenches and do not deserve the privilege of triple figure salaries, especially in light of the fact that so many of the good teachers need so much more help. If, after all considerations have been made and it still means schools will be closed, then the next step should be how to turn an empty building into something that can give back to the community. Empty buildings eventually cost tax payers more--why not provide an Emergency shelter and preparedness facility, temporary housing for domestic abuse victims, continuing education for teen moms, training centers for improving teacher quality, or after school programs just to name a few.  The point is that education is essential and goes way beyond reading, writing and arithmetic. We cannot, as a country, afford to fail our children and extinguish their hopes, dreams, and goal before they've had a chance. We can no longer expect excellence from teachers who are simply going through the motions while ignoring the excellence other teachers. We can no longer afford to allow ourselves to be "hoodwinked" by people who have zero knowledge of how hard it is to make ends meet. As parents, we can no longer afford the "do as I say not do as I do" mentality by accepting second best logic from the educational system we send our children to every day. Excellence begins at home, with us, and if our children see us moaning and complaining but doing little in the way of problem solving, well.... then so will our children. In the end we"ll have only ourselves to blame.

PleaseThankYouComeAgain

In 48 hours millions of people in the U.S. will gather at someones table wearing their Sunday's best and preparing to eat until it's painful. Some families have the tradition of each guest saying what they are grateful for. In my opinion we all have much to be grateful for. It's easy to be grateful when you stop to think about how many people this year will actually have nothing. No food, no shelter, no family, no money, no job, or ill health.  It's easier still to find things to complain about: I hate my spouse, I hate this dress, I hate my job, I hate mornings ( oh yeah I really do!), I hate this relative, I hate having to drive over to so & so's house.....no one really has to put much thought into creating any list of dislikes and hates.

When we start taking for granted how much we really have already we start closing our hearts and when we close our hearts we start to lose things we should have been grateful for. Essentially we make room for only bad, the negative. For many of us, feeling unsatisfied, critical, depressed and angry is like slipping to our favorite sweater or comfy robe. It's all we know and we begin to resent those people around us who are too perky, too happy, too optimistic. We resent them for seeing through rose colored glasses and we add this observation to our list of complaints. Sound familiar?

Here's what I know for sure......

Negativity creates poor health. An imbalance inside and out. Life is but a heartbeat away to eternity. We are never guaranteed a sunrise. The bible reminds us that our days are as "swift as a runner"--- The fact that each of us does wake up, is in itself, a miracle. Ask anyone who has survived a life altering event what they're most grateful for they will tell you that they lost everything but they're alive to rebuild. We saw this time and time again in Hurricane Katrina and more recently with Hurricane Sandy. The bible tells us that God wants nothing but pleasure for us but sometimes we are faced with tragedy and suffering as a way of making us grateful and preparing us for the next phase of life. In my own personal quest for "Zen" I have discovered that I still have much to learn, practice makes perfect and gratitude is crucial for any form of success.I am still learning how much gratitude plays a part of my life. We celebrate the small things. The point is that gratitude is part and parcel in staying open to even more.  My son said best when he observed that the glass is neither half full or half empty but rather always full....part liquid and part air = always full. What makes this so unique is that his life has been in overdrive of tiny little perfectly displayed disasters. His parents argue too often, his father picks at and on him and yet he can always find something to be happy about! The good news, for him, is that when the liquid is gone, he can always get more. That, my friends, is the key to success!

I leave you with this...... 

When we gather at the dining table this Thursday, we have many things to be grateful for. Yes, your sister's kid is a pain in the ass. You could be attending their funeral instead. Yes, the drive to your sister's house is long and littered with road rage and high gas prices. You could have no car and forced to miss the festivities. Yes, uncle George is gonna be and his jokes suck.... you DO laugh at some of them and you'll miss them when he's gone. Yes, my son is allergic to aspirin, milk and penicillin but he IS alive and WILL grow old. Rose colored glasses are okay and sometimes necessary. When I sit down at the table Thursday I am grateful for every friendship I've cultivated on Twitter, I am grateful that my leg has finally healed, I am grateful that my brothers are talking to each other and one brother has started talking to our mom again after 3 years, I am grateful that my husband loves me the best he can, I am grateful that my 18 year old has such an awesome sense of humor and that he can always make me laugh. I am grateful that my 14 year old does not have Reyes Syndrome! We celebrate the little things in big ways!

Update

What a journey I've been on these last few days! First I want to say thank you for all those who kept my son in their prayers. It was a great comfort knowing that so many were praying---prayers were answered!
The more I studied up on Reyes Syndrome, the more questions I had. The symptoms were not working with the prognosis! After much internal debate and great angst by people who thought I wasn't doing enough I decided to have my son see MY doctor. And I'm glad I did.  Short version is he does NOT have Reyes Syndrome but he does have a food allergy. And in light of the fact that we thought the worst, a food allergy is a piece of cake! The road to which food or foods he may be allergic to, is long and so far we've discovered that milk is major culprit. One day at a time one food at a time.

This was yet another wake up call for this family and a deeper answer to prayer. We are now forced into eating healthier foods. Being more aware of what we put in and on our bodies. How can that be wrong? Answer: it's not!

Countdown to the apocalypse in.....

.........Okay okay.. not really but it sure has felt like it over the last 48+ hours.....

As many of you already know I've been worried about my youngest son who had a massive and mysterious rash. He came home from a friends house earlier in the same and discovered that his second finger had a minor swelling on it. We all just shrugged it off thinking that he may have come in contact with some sort of allergenic. An hour later he showed me he had a whelp at his waist ..raised and red. Okay so now maybe it's an allergic reaction to laundry soap but no other rash in other spots. Within another hour he had this rash in nearly every spot including hair line and scalp. Still thinking it was a reaction to laundry soap we gave him benedryl and sent him to bed. By morning the rash was worse and he started to spike a fever. OFF TO THE DOCTOR!!! Here's where it starts to get a little insane: we are a one car family. When we bought the car we had no idea that I would at some point be in a wheelchair. Family road trips are no longer an option because it's a 2 door SUV and in order to get my chair in the back end, the backseat has to be pushed down. So, dear husband I entrust YOU with the care and monitoring of our son. Be sure to tell him the following things which include the fact that I had given him aspirin several days before for a strained muscle.

Since I had a doctor's appointment at the same time I opted to keep mine in favor of continuing the progress I've made with my leg. In my mind this was a no brainer for my husband and I trusted him despite both my mom and my instinct.

The diagnosis was allergy to coast soap and the flu/cold. Okay...well now we know, right?  By the next day everything changed and he was worse. Off to the doctor again but this time a different doctor. I sent my husband, again, entrusting him to be open, upfront and detailed with the doctor. THIS time the new doctor diagnosed Reyes Syndrome which I had suspected the day before but ignored as my over thinking and making mountains out of mole hills. The biggest factor was how badly, if at all, this disease had attacked his liver and so we waited for lab results. I was told by husband that the blood work would shed light on whether or not he actually had Reyes so we waited and waited and waited some more. It's funny how long time really is when you need answers but the people in charge are not playing fair. Maybe this is what expectant fathers felt like in the waiting rooms as countless mothers pushed and labored to produce the fruits of her 9 month long "bun" cooking?  In the mean time my son was put on a round of prednisone and told to avoid ALL products containing aspirin, including peptobismal. When I was growing up it was standard operating procedure to issue St, Joseph's Childrens Aspirin for fevers and pepto for tummies. Funny how we think something is harmless and blindly give it to our kids to help them and it turns out it could actually kill them.

The long and short of it all folks is that my son does indeed have Reyes Syndrome brought on by aspirin use in close proximity to a viral infection. The good news is that his labs came back normal and we may have, in fact, started treatment in enough time that it will not become fatal and be more of a bother at best. Today he is feeling some better. Getting his appetite back. He shows no signs of confusion, has only a slight fever (from 102 to 99.6) and when he is not napping he seems alert and clear. I really really hope that this means we dodged a serious bullet but I guess time will tell. For those of  you who don't know what Reyes Syndrome is, I've linked it HERE    I've got a long road ahead of me to keep informed and on top of the endless list of products containing aspirin. My knee jerk response is that if it's not tylenol it doesn't go into his mouth and even that is suspect because tylenol is known to cause liver issues.  As for the husband who didn't give me all the details.......I'll leave you with this.

Is it an animal you love?

Many of my Twitter friends have asked what the heck happened to me to start this current chain of medical events in my life. Here's the back story as requested:

I always have one or more animal near me at all times. I have 2 cats and a dog and they all want to be near me. In the winter months our youngest cat prefers  to be on my body sucking up my natural menopausal heat. My big gnarly black cat is my BFF if it's time to eat or the bowl is low on food. My dog, a boxer pit bull mix, loves taking naps with me and greeting me first thing in the morning. One day in mid July (2012) I was napping and had the little cat under the covers softly purring and nestled against my chest. The dog decided that she would not miss the nap and started to jump up on the bed. She grazed my left leg and scratched it. It healed and life went on. Two weeks later it was time to clip the cats' toenails. The little one, we caller her kitten tater (kitten for short) hates having her claws trimmed. It literally takes 3 people to clip her nails. One this particular day, we did our big cat first. As one son walked closer to me with Kitten she started wiggling and squeaking and so I said to let her go. My son dropped her and she used my leg as an escape ramp!

Because I have stage three kidney disease I have some extreme edema issues made worse by the fact that I am 90% immobile. Even worse is my immune system has been taxed for so long that now it is not able to protect me from such minor things as cat scratches. This combination makes it possible for my legs to literally leak. I would describe it as a pore crying. In July my leg leaked 24/7 and the the biggest wound leaked down to a smaller wound which then became bigger.  My PCP put me on a round of antibiotics which was not helping so he tossed my ass into the hospital. Side note: a year prior I was in the same hospital almost dead from pneumonia I didn't know I had! This time I spent only 3 days in the hospital under close observation and IV antibiotics. I developed what I refer to as a good crust on all of the wounds (what had started out as one tiny scratch turned into 4 new and disturbing additional wounds). I was sent home with oral antibiotics and approx. 4 days after I completed the round my leg started weeping again! I had an in home nurse coming, almost daily trips to the doctor and nothing worked. The leg kept getting worse and I did not want to go back to the hospital-- so he sent me to a wound care center. Cleaned the wound, actually reopened some of the places that had started to crust over again. I had to endure, to put in mildly, a barbaric test that required my ankles to be fit with blood pressure cuffs to assess the "flow" in my body.....might not seem barbaric until you realize that the left ankle has an open, stinging, burning wound. Yes, lets squeeze the cuff to 200+ on this open sore and see if her veins work properly?! Any way my veins work great, heart is strong as ever so we moved forward to compression on both legs.



I have each leg wrapped from just above the toes to just at the back of my knee. I am taking 40 mg of Lasix twice daily to help the compression and rid my legs of all the water they carry. This combination seems to be working because I've lost 20 pounds, more than likely all water weight. When I look at the wound each time the wrapping comes off it looks so gross but they say I am making new cells and healing. This is great news! Well, there you have it.....a 5 month ordeal that thankfully is coming to an end!

One for the Books

As millions of us stand in seemingly endless lines waiting for our turn to vote I am never more aware of how truly important this day really is. The future of our country truly depends on who will be ready to assume the monumental role of Commander in Chief come this January. There is so much more at stake; the rights of women, medical care, taxes, the economy and foreign policy. And as I sit here keeping tabs on early numbers I find myself reflecting on the behaviors of ALL politicians and I am disappointed.

I am always reminding my husband that his actions are being watched by our two sons. They will take what he says and does, good or bad, as how men behave. This has never been more apparent as in the chokingly frequent campaign ads. It doesn't matter who the ad is criticizing or promoting the message is the same: we can not trust either Republicans or Democrats....or can we? I am also amazed at how low many candidates have sunken by creating voter fraud fears, malfunctioning voter machine fears, impending weather fears---it seems to me that the candidates are coming to the fight with brass knuckles and knifes rather than the standard boxing gloves! No?

We had similar issues such as  dipples and hanging chads. This is nothing more than an extreme form of bullying and it is clearly the action of a political party who is afraid of losing. The real question is, are we really this petty? Do we continue to believe and get entangled in the bullshit or do we step away from the herd and make a stand against the sheep mentality? For the last year and even more so in just the last 30 days, we have become like the poor unfortunate souls who fall asleep and become "pod people".... shells of our former self just walking through our day and our lives in a mindless coma. This year's election campaigns have bet on many of us remaining mindless shells or at least believing in the hype. The fact that Romney actually asked us to seek out Obama supporters ( signs in their yards) and "persuade them to vote Romney" blows the door to violence wide open and yet his supporters thought it was a great idea...sleeping sheep!

When I publish this post, it will be the third "political commentary" -- the most EVER. I usually stay quiet about such things. This time, there's been so many "gaffs", fails, mis-steps,back biting and out and out lies and I am stunned that anyone could actually take Mitt Romney as a serious White House hopeful....that his dreams of success speak of our desires for success. That his plans for the middle class are mirroring our hopes for the middle class. That he holds any value for the rights of women, same sex marriages or any other "taboo" subject. We have never seen a "true" Romney. Rather, we've seen his waffle on what he said the last time, challenge POTUS on petty issues easily "checked", and ask the American public if we're "happy with the last four years?" Regardless of what side of the fence you stand on, the facts remain: President G.W. Bush  took 8 years to trash our economy. He did this through ridiculous spending and funding a 10 year war that depleted our resources. There simply is NO President that can undo the damage Bush did in 4 years, especially with the GOP's resolve to "make Obama a one term president".

I leave you with this........

                     



In my humble opinion, and I've said this before, our Government has become too big for it's britches. They have become too comfortable with their role in our decisions. Big Government is necessary in time of crisis; Hurricane Katrina , 9/11, Hurricane Sandy, etc. and not in matters of a woman's right to chose. The budget can be balanced, Bill Clinton showed us it could be done.  Healthcare reform is necessary and higher taxes for the echelon wealthy are necessary. More importantly we need to put down our pitch forks and torches and rather than waiting for our Government to "rebuild" us, we need to rebuild ourselves! We can no longer afford to give power over us to others, especially where it pertains to Government! When we cease to focus on our political differences and help one another. We are at our best when others are in need as seen in relief efforts for the communities hit by Hurricane Sandy. Only when we stop behaving as sleeping sheep can we actually do ourselves and this great nation any good. It may take longer than 4 or 8 years, we may see a few more Presidents in office before we heal but we must heal!  Generations of children are watching us and generations more will read about this time in history and quite frankly I do not want to leave behind the legacy of "Ancients Behaving Badly" ---do you?

You are my brother and my sister

As the holidays creep ever closer, we will be under greater stress then ever. I don't know what it is about the holidays that sends people into a death spiral....sometimes I struggle with the fact that I am in control not the holidays! It feels as if everything I do is doomed from the start and only gets worse as I try harder to keep "it together". By the time people start arriving at my door I am frazzled, fragmented and an eye lash away from scraping the whole thing. When I was younger I worked over time to instill the magic of Christmas in my children...now that they are are teens, the magic lays in Ipods, video games, and "green". They've had much of their childhood destroyed by Mom and Dad's nagging at each other. Husband hates holidays and only during this time does he become Jewish. Apparently being Jewish comes with the notion that you can complain long and loud about having to participate in the festivities. Needless to say holidays in my house are----awkward to say the least!



Add to this, the fact that we sometimes eat our weight in holiday goodies. I won't lie I love holidays because all the nummies. I grew up having a mom and two grandmothers who were excellent cooks and so I indulged in bite sized pecan pies, snickerdoodles (which my daddy perfected and is now the king of snickerdoodles), Missouri cookies, and chocolate mint pinwheels. But I digress..... every family has some sort of tradition around the holidays. Be it hiking to the Christmas Tree Farm and chopping your own tree, make tamales, cutting paper snowflakes to paste on the windows, or Mexican Fiesta we always end up pissed off at either ourselves or friends and/or family. I am not gonna say I have all the answers or even any answers, I'm still prone to a slow simmer during this time. This year will be different I hope because I've been doing so well with my Zen status....that being said.......



I think that we all need to remember how fragile life really is. All to soon loved ones are taken away from us, jobs are lost, shit happens. No matter what that shit is, we are monumentally better off than someone living on the streets in a cardboard box! When we remember that, no matter what the current chaos, there are people who have nothing. Community Food Banks have empty shelves, seniors have been left in care centers and forgotten and children who now safe place to sleep. I know that when I lend a helping hand to someone in need, I feel better through and through. There is something so satisfying about "random acts of kindness"--and it reminds us that we are blessed with abundance even when it seems the fridge is bare and the car needs gas but payday is 2 weeks away. For me, when I help with a kind word, a spare dollar, a gift card or donation to the food bank, I am creating a spark of gratitude within my being. Gratitude keeps me connected to my creator and forces me to remain positive and happy....if I'm happy then those little stresses, which really aren't stresses but learning blocks, seem easier to handle, even trivial. We end up like the Grinch who finally understands the magic of Christmas and our tiny hearts grown three sizes. Each and every person we come in contact with is an appointment from heaven. We have two choices: walk away saying "this isn't my problem" or asking how we can help. Sometimes the very act of asking is all that is needed.

   ..........Carry On

Desperation makes for a strange bedfellow

Disclaimer: My opinions expressed in this post are in no way meant to diminish the severity of Hurricane Sandy. If you live in the areas that are expected to be hit hardest please seek higher ground. Follow any evacuation protocol that may be issued by your local government.


We've all heard the saying: desperate people will do desperate things. Wikipedia classifies it as: Desperation is an emotional state in which a person feels a situation to be hopeless and without satisfactory options. Decisions made in desperation may be more rash, impulsive, and inappropriate than those made in a rational frame of mind. Desperation can refer to: Panic.
        
Who of us has not done this very thing? We get tired we put things on the back burner and then in no time flat it becomes an "emergency" and we panic. In that head space we are doomed to fail.I see this daily within my little family. All men, they wait till the last possible second to do anything. While I sit in utter angst that they've waited this long, they recite such pearls of wisdom as " It's gonna be okay" or "don't sweat it" or "Calm down...we got this"---oh how I love that one! (NOT) I have found that once the predictable pattern is embedded in our minds, dare I say our DNA, it's almost impossible to replace with a good habit.  But that's not what I am blogging about today......In a very short space of time, 9 days, Americans will head to various voting booths and casting our vote for who we feel is the best leader.  Regardless of what side of the fence you stand on, you can see that desperation has tainted the campaigns. People are saying and doing things that are simply outrageous in order to sway voters to their side. THAT is the topic of this blog.

              
Earlier today I read a tweet from The Weather Channel that asked readers to read and then re-tweet the "stern warning" for people in the path of Hurricane Sandy. I read the so called warning and mentioned this to my husband. That is when he said that I really can't believe what they say because Bain Capitol owns this company and Romney apparently is the biggest share holder. Stunned I did a mini research and sure enough he was right! I am absolutely thunderstruck that any one would stoop to such levels as to create fear of being washed away or trapped so that I will flee the area and thus losing my ability to vote. We as a nation must not allow people who clearly do not have our individual rights in their fore thoughts. We must take a stand against such pathetic attempts to keep us from voting. We are all intelligent individuals capable of making decisions based on facts and not emotions. We have to have correct information in order to make an informed decision. As of late I have noticed that social media seems to be the platform for such bullying. I myself have been guilty of retweeting political comments from others and in hopes of persuading others who might still at this juncture be "undecided". This makes me just as guilty of doing the very thing I stand against!  So I have decided that, at least until we know, for sure, who the clear winner is, I am not going to retweet political commentary either from friends or from news media. And I would urge my readers to really become familiar with the policies of both campaigns, to be able to see what's real and what's just a scare tactic. This is another historic campaign and there is no denying that whom ever stays in or goes to the White House, there is much we stand to lose and gain. We cannot allow others to instill in us the feeling of desperation and potentially dooming our futures and allowing others to steal of freedoms, our rights from us........
                                   
".....whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

I am NOT my weight

I started this post then tossed it then started it again. Each time I got started it seemed like I was complaining, a pity party for myself. I might have things to be pitiful about but the subject of this post is not one of them. I know for certain that I am not the only woman to go through this and the bazillions of emotions that go with it.

Diet!  

As a whole we are never more aware of our weight then we are around the holidays. Every December 31st, at the stroke of midnight, millions of us vow to "lose weight" and just as soon as we work off the champagne hangover we set off into the world resolved to get fit and trim. I cannot tell you how many times I've done this myself. You saw in my last post where I mentioned that I had lost 200 pounds at one point in my life. So clearly I am an "expert" at weight loss. But just like millions of others, the first speed bump that happens I fall into old habits and drown my sorrows with such culinary delights as dark chocolate M&Ms, buttered noodles, soft-n-chewy chocolate chip cookies.... you know what I mean, right? The lie I have told myself is that it wasn't a lot of what I ate so I should be good. Or I re-commit to start again "tomorrow". Now that my mobility is severely limited I got pretty good at continuing to lie to myself that I wasn't eating a lot of food but "just the wrong food" and in part that is true.If I'm in a wheelchair I will inevitably eat more then I work off. Then because of the massive guilt trip I inflict myself with I become depressed. Who hasn't decided that the cure for depression is a quart of ice cream or raw cookie dough? The vicious cycle begins again until the next year when we are even more serious about dieting this time. We enroll in a gym membership, toss everything out of the fridge and cupboards and restock them all with salad greens, sticks of carrots and heads of broccoli and cauliflower. We drink more water, park farther out in the parking lot and take the stairs at work. We celebrate the first 10 pounds gone with good food and friends and say things like "Oh! I almost forgot what this tasted like...this is soooo good!" The inner dialogue is "I will work twice as hard at the gym tomorrow--I'm good" We get tired, overworked, too stressed, and we start the whole thing over again---sound familiar? We secretly pray to God to help us be strong this time. That whole keep from temptation bit. And he obliges....in the form of a tight fitting dress, jeans that fit 3 months ago but now you can't get them over your knees, aching joints, back pain, foot pain or 3 little numbers on the scale......... when it happens I call it a "come to Jesus moment"!

Yesterday I had another Dr. appointment. This time it was with the head of pharmacy to basically see what pills I take, do I know what they are, how they are supposed to work, what I should not take with the pills. Reluctantly I kept the appointment. Truth be told I am not taking enough pills or even close diminished enough in mental capacity that I would need such a review, but medicare says go, so I go. Turns out though that this appointment was way more than just a pill count. I got on a scale and was absolutely devastated with the numbers I saw. I'll just say, while it's not the heaviest I've ever been, it's more than I have weighed in at least 7 years. I felt so defeated. So disappointed in myself and damned pissed off that I lied so well and for so long that I had come to this point in my life. I know you know this feeling---you just wanna shrivel up and hide under a rock. A little like the Elephant Man.
                                  
I watched RuPaul's Drag Race last night....there is a lady-boy who goes by the name  "Latrice Royale". A big, bold, in your face queen who is unafraid of her curves, and gurl! She's got curves! As I watch her I am very aware that she, of all the queens, has the hardest road ahead. She's black, fat and a drag queen, yet there she is struttin her stuff, loud, proud and in charge! Her style and her energy made me realize that I am not defined by my age or my weight. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be alive. I deserve to be healthy.

                                               
So dear readers, I invite you to take this amazing journey with me. During my appointment yesterday I received some really great advice. Celebrate the little things. Instead of a goal of 50 pounds, try just 5 and celebrate those 5 then go for 10 and celebrate those 10. That makes it much easier and the perfect recipe for success.  I have recently discovered that when we are on the same side of the road, when we are laughing and crying and angsting together that the journey ceases to become an obligation and instead becomes the next block in the friendship quilt!  

Caution! Zombie Sleeper Xing...

As many of you might know I had a sleep study last night (Sunday). Let me share with you just a tiny bit about me and my "sleep".  Put simply I don't really sleep, I snooze. I know that I dream and mostly always remember my dreams. I know that dreams happen in REM sleep so at points throughout my night I snatch a few minutes of REM. My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores so loudly. On the last night we slept together I woke him up and told him that if he didn't go to the couch I would stab him in the neck. At that moment I meant it and probably would have done it. I have 2 cats and they love sleeping on me, near me and under the covers. This means bliss for me but not for husband. I also sleep with a fan which makes the room pretty cold. Once I get cold I tend to burrito myself in the blankets---husband needless to say, has spent many a night with nothing more than a corner of a sheet. I also have this particularly strange sleep behavior in where I sit up. I scoot back up against my pillows, prop my knees up with a towel and then rest my elbows on my knees and my head in my hand. I can sleep like this for what seems like hours in truth it's only until my hands and legs have fallen asleep at which point I will scoot forward three spaces, lay down and go back to sleep.
                                   
Based solely on my weight my doctor scheduled this sleep study. The instructions to this "lab" were not as clear as I would have liked them so I sat in my wheelchair knocking on the glass door to be let in. No one answered the door.....because I was at the wrong building. Once I got reoriented I found the lab, checked in and was immediately wired for sound! If you've never done something like this, you have an electrode under your left eye, you have them in your hair/scalp, you have them on your chin, your chest, your legs and you back. All total some 20 electrodes with their long tails that are plugged into a little white box. I was told that they would be watching me all night long. I warned them about my sitting up, I instructed them not to be alarmed because it's the equivalent of turning over....nothing is wrong just let me be.They also warned me that if I stopped breathing at least 20 times with an hour I would be hooked up to a PAP machine. This above all scared me! I DO NOT like anything around my face. Even if it is life giving air, I will panic. So off to bed I go. Meditation music playing in my ear buds, breathing steady and slowly. In a short while I sat up and I am startled by a loud speaker behind me asking me "Nicole are you okay?"  to which I replied "It's NAOMI and I'm fine". After a while I laid back down. Throughout the night I tried to get comfy. The bed was too soft the pillows to puffy. The room was supposed to be dark but the space between the floor and the bottom of my door let the storage room light, always on, beam into my room, find my eyes with laser like precision and the person in the room in front of me was snoring. I also sat up, as predicted several more times throughout the night and every time I had the mysterious loud speaker ask me if I needed help.
                                                      
My technician came in and out of the room 4-5 different times for what I don't know, but the last trip in was her putting the friggin mask on my face.She wasn't listening when I told her I sleep sitting up but she heard me loud and clear about nothing on my face. In my half dazed stooper I hear this very loud rushing air getting closer to my face. Then like some sinister alien bug it suctioned itself to my nose. The rushing air went quiet and the technician said " I know you want to take it off but you can't. Just listen to your music and you"ll be awake soon and we can take it off". Reluctantly I obliged. I realized that as I breathed the machine was breathing. So I forced myself to breath slowly and peacefully  I resolved that if I couldn't do it I was rip the gear off and the test be damned! I recall a dream in where I was saving people in a park that resembled Chernobyl and only when all were saved could I take my mask off. I was wakened by the fact that my mouth had relaxed opened and there was a rush of air coming out. As long as I kept my mouth shut, I would not have my lips literally flappin in the breeze! I was officially woken up some ungodly hour (6am) and asked to do a litany of "exercises" which were done with the PAP still on my nose. One of the things I had to do was count to 3 and I can tell you that if I wasn't so pissed about the lack of sleep I would have found funny the fact that my lips were struggling to form any of the numbers without their flapping!

                                                     
Go ahead...grab you upper lip with you thumbs and fore finger and simulate rapid movement while you're trying to say ONE.......TWO........THREE..... did you do it? You did, didn't you?

The Art of War....or how I learned how to fly a kite

                                           
I've been thinking....... yeah I know....that was my first mistake, right?     Anyway have you ever wondered why we use such terms as: "The war on Poverty" Battle of the bulge" "The war on crime" The battle against cancer" "The war on drugs"---if you subscribe, as I do, to the idea that thoughts become things, then it's no wonder we are such a violent society! But here's the purpose of this post..........

Back in the 60's the so-called Hippies, carried signs that read "Make Peace not War!" or "Make Love not War!"-- no one knew it then, but they had the right idea. As if you haven't got enough on your plate already, now I'm suggesting your monitor your thoughts? No--it's a worthy goal but sadly it's an unobtainable one. We have millions and millions of thoughts racing about our minds all day every day. Our subconscious mind is always working, always on. There just is no way to monitor all the things that we think. However, if just one thought a day were changed from a negative to a positive, then the door to change is flung open. When I was learning to be a certified clinical hypnotherapist, I had a life changing moment when I realized that my inner dialogue was what kept me from living as a thin person.
                                                           
When we decide to go on a diet we almost always say I need to lose weight. Here's where it gets interesting.....the subconscious mind is the literal mind. It can not decipher between real and fake so everything you store in there was not properly filtered and so our brain sends signals that something is lost! If lost it MUST BE FOUND! So the reality of your efforts is that you may have shed 10 pounds but your hips found them again.....sound familiar? I also learned that the word NO is not in our subconscious minds dictionary. The result being: do not think of the color RED....you just did, right? Any mother will tell you that when you tell your child NOT to do something you just gave him or her permission to do it anyway. We all laugh and roll our eyes but that is the most extreme example of how our mind works. Changing that one word from a negative "Loss" to a positive "Shed" or even some other diet friendly word will make it much easier to get the weight off. I'd be lying if I told you I was successful at getting all the weight off. I did a great job and dropped nearly 200 lbs. Sadly I put nearly all of them plus some back on.
                                                                
I digress....this war. I personally don't get the whole "fight the good fight" thing..what exactly IS a good fight and isn't that an oxymoron? While some people might believe that "War is good for the economy", the last 10 years beg to differ. Not only has depleted our resources, we've lost, unnecessarily, countless lives. In my opinion, we, as a nation, should worry more about our own "backyard" and let others tend the fires of war. That, my friends is what we really "grow" our economy.  Science is telling us to think about the food we are about to put in our bodies, to eat clean. More and more studies show thinking about the food we eat actually stimulates our brains so that we eat less and enjoy our food more. And that, right there, is what we should be doing over all in everything we do. We are too mindless in what we do, what we eat, where we go. We all live life on auto pilot....truest form of a zombie! No, we cannot monitor all our thoughts but we can monitor one....or even too.... the point is being aware of what you send out into the universe to come back to you. I eluded in my last post how poorly I take care of myself. How hard it has been to say I love you Naomi and really feel it, to mean it. But all those bad thoughts, those hate filled thoughts, those mean words to my reflection over countless years have come home to roost in the form of poor health, bad knees, completely depleted immune system. I have much that I have lost because of my..let's call it what it really is..BULLYING. Now, when I need to be good to myself as a way to survive whatever is left of my life, I have nothing left in my reserve tanks, so if I can create a spark in just one person who stops just one second to think about the thought he/she is about to release then it's all been worth it.    

One is the loneliest number

I have been struggling with this post for weeks now. I have been struggling with this issue for decades!  I am certain that I am not the only person to go through this dilemma. What the hell could I be talking about?

                     Self love.

You might be asking yourself why is that so hard.... In part this is because of the way I was raised. I'm certain that my mother's mother and generations back taught their daughters that a woman's worth was measured in how they kept house, how well they cooked, how clever a seamstress they were and how well they raised their children.  Both my grandmother's, now dead, suffered a variety of ailments throughout their lives as well as my own mother. These women were and are strong role models who did what they were taught . Good or bad they did the best they could. That being said, it's no wonder why I still struggle with this issue now in my 50's.

As children, we are captive to our parent's whims and demands. Do I say not as I do. My house my rules. Surely every child has been an unwilling audience to the litany of isms. But, at some point we are no longer hostages to our parents' rules.and we become the master of our own ship as it were. All that we are taught becomes habitual. Like zombies, we move through life doing "stuff" with little to no thought behind it.  Wikipedia describes habits as:  "routines of behavior that are repeated regularly and tend to occur subconsciously.Habitual behavior often goes unnoticed in persons exhibiting it, because a person does not need to engage in self-analysis when undertaking routine tasks. Habituation is an extremely simple form of learning, in which an organism, after a period of exposure to a stimulus, stops responding to that stimulus in varied manners. Habits are sometimes compulsory The process by which new behaviors become automatic is habit formation. Examples of habit formation are the following: If you instinctively reach for a cigarette the moment you wake up in the morning, you have a habit. Also, if you lace up your running shoes and hit the streets as soon as you get home, you've acquired a habit. Old habits are hard to break and new habits are hard to form because the behavioral patterns we repeat are imprinted in our neural pathways."
                                                         
                                         

I digress....I have spent countless years wondering what true love feels like. My husband is incapable of showing love (100% his parents' doing) and while my children adore me, I do not ever feel loved. Granted, my parents love me and a handful of friends love me but the true love I am missing in my life is self love. How alien the concept! I've done the whole stand in the mirror and smile and tell the reflection you love it. Talk about awkward! What usually happens is several hours later I am yelling at the same reflection and telling it how weak and pathetic it is....talk about self defeating! I have slowly begun to realize that looking to my husband for feel good messages is as likely as me winning a three state billion dollar lottery. He has been right all along...only you can make yourself happy. RuPaul always asks "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonna love anybody else?"  So several days ago I downloaded an Isochronic Tone package for self confidence. One of the tones was Love Yourself.  Immediately I was struck with this overwhelming sense of euphoria. In that moment I felt as if I was being embraced by my mom and she sang Always Near as I rested my ears on her chest. That deep feeling of being loved, being sacred and being protected. With a change in my inner dialogue to include "I love you" as I listen to the tones I have begun to release the feelings of inadequacies, self hate, and self doubt. Am I cured? Hardly! My husband and son's make every day a challenge but at the end of the day I can still say I LOVE YOU and actually feel loved by the one person who will always protect me, who will always back me up, who will always be my greatest advocate......


ME!

The Elephant in the room

I've been sitting on this post for a while now.It's the elephant in the room.....politics.
                                                              
Recently I helped my freshman son with part of his homework. Strangely enough he got law as an elective. Poor kid had to write a 5 paragraph "thesis" on the the differences between our Declaration of Independence and the french version known as The Declaration of the Rights of Man. I can't say I recall ever having this type of homework so early in the school year and as an early elective. He tried explaining his take on it and ended up looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I can put words together pretty good so I told him that he needed to study for his math test and other missed assignments and I would handle his "thesis" What an education I received while studying briefly the two documents! I really hope he gets high marks on that thing! The one thing that stood out the most was that they both stated that all men are born into certain rights and that those rights can not be taken by any person or group of people. I remembered that I listened to President Obama speak this morning at the U.N.

In this speech he said that during his time in office, he's heard many people call him quite a few names. He said he may not like what people say about him but he will defend their right to say them! This year marks an election year. The boundaries of party lines are clearly drawn in the sand. One side would have us believe that half the country is nothing more than victims who want to live off the success of others. The other side would have us believe that the way to a stronger country is to build from the middle out and that everyone should pay his/her fair share. One side blunders with such gems as legitimate rape, comments about 47% and "you people". The other side blunders with "bump in the road" comments in regards to the angst in the middle east. One side seems to encourage hate rallies and personal attacks. The other side appears to slither away from chaos and hope that things will get better. One side make mid stride changes to voter identification laws to apparently keep Latino, elderly, and first time voters from getting to the polls in time.
                                                               
No matter what your party affiliation, it's clear that some aspects of all government have gotten too big for their britches. They have forgotten what makes this country great and that is it's people. Our forefathers drafted our Independence as a means to break away from the tyranny of the King and form a new country and new laws. They adopted the concept that all men are, in fact, created equal and thus born into freedoms such as life liberty and the ability to protect those freedoms. I believe that they intended government to act merely as a referee for those times when peace between "thy neighbor" needed an intervention of sorts. They did not intend for the government of today to ever exist and, this is my opinion, it is a government riddled with takers, liars, cheaters and people who just don't give a rats ass about the people that put him or her in office. This means ALL forms of government. And while there is a mass exodus within the GOP due to their candidate Mitt Romney and his blatant disregard for most of humanity, there are still equal numbers of people, people with money and then means, that will go to the nth degree to ensure that you and I remain minorities---with no voice.

In a perfect world we would need no government. We would coexist with each other and take only what we need being careful to leave enough for someone else. In a perfect world we would have medical care once reserved for only the wealthy available to everyone. In a perfect world we might need nothing more than a "sheriff" to settle disputes and the disputes would be few and far between. The reality is that we do not live in a perfect world. So when it comes down to who we want for this elected official or that, who we want for the most important office of all: The President of The United States, we must take time to weigh each side without getting lost in the lame he said he did BS that has become commonplace. The fact is that we made history by electing President Obama to the White House four years ago. The time has come again, four years later, to decide whether we're happy with our current President and any or all of his efforts. If the answer is no then we are obligated to do one of two things: re elect him and give him more time OR elect someone else and give them a shot. Frankly, I don't believe that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are the next greatest. The GOP has made some arrogant and alarmingly dysfunctional statements as of late and I do not believe that any Republican is suited for any place of power.

I leave you with this......

We need to search our minds and hearts, we need to read between the lines. We need to do our homework. I would suggest becoming familiar with the French and American versions of the Rights of Man and only then voting your conscious. It's true that we have the right to remain silent, but in doing so we give ourselves over to those who potentially mean us personal harm and mean to endanger our God given and inalienable rights.

 

Message in a Bottle

                                                         

I created this blog as an outlet for some of the random thoughts that run helter skelter  in my head...nothing more than that. It's my intention to amuse and entertain but in some cases share the magic of things around us...things we all tend to take for granted. I firmly believe that once you know more about the world around you, you can make the necessary changes, if any, to create peace from within. Once we attain that peace from within, we start oozing that peace and pretty soon, just like a yawn or laughter, it becomes contagious--in my mind anyway.  Today's "journey" is about the hidden messages in water. What? Water? Really?                                        

  

                                                        

The answer is YES! A million years ago, I saw a movie called "What the Bleep Do We Know?"  and there was one part of this movie that really caught my attention: every thought we have becomes a thing. A Japanese author named Masaru Emoto came forward with a radical concept: our vibrational energy not only affects everything around us but the water we drink! His experiments consisted of ordinary water glasses filled with ordinary water. The water was exposed to music, pictures and words. The water was then frozen and examined under a microscope. His findings were nothing less than amazing.

                                                

Water, in simple terms is the basis for all life. 70% of earth's surface is made of water. We humans need water to survive. I was never made more aware of how vital water is as when I learned that my chronic dehydration from drinking nothing other than soda, tea or coffee had not only robbed my body of a quality life but affected my kidneys in a pretty dramatic way. Living in the desert water becomes a precious commodity as we use it to wash our clothes, our dishes, our bodies, our cars. We water our trees and our lawns. Every thing we eat or use in some way starts with water.

I recently downloaded an app that is supposed to be the chants used for the medicine Buddha. The instructions were to take a glass of water and repeat the chants 108 times this making the water "blessed". The water is then consumed and the benefits of the water fill the body. I can tell you that my cold and sore throat symptoms were dramatically reduced. Is it because I drank blessed water? Is it because I believed I drank blessed water? Or is it because my own immune system did it's job?  Who knows--either way I received some benefit from the water. Which brings me back to the point of this blog. Mr. Emoto concluded that water that is of highest quality produces beautifully intricate crystals, like the one above and that poor quality water produces yellow or brown ill formed crystals..............

             

When Water was exposed to messages such as "Thank you" or "Love and Appreciation".................

                                          

I Hate you and I will Kill you or You make Me Sick..................

                                                      

It seems very clear, and at an urgent level, that we simply must start believing that our thoughts shape our today and tomorrow. Our energy and vibrations affects every living thing. We see this played out in our pets who scurry away when we've come home from a hard day at work. We see this played out in indigestion when we eat upset. To suggest that we give thanks, beyond the mundane dinner prayer, for the things we put in to our bodies is profound. It goes back to the concept that once we become thankful we open ourselves to more goodness....a pay it forward mindset, if you will. Too often, we walk through life asking "what do I get in return?" I have been guilty of this more times than I care to recall and in specific with my husband as we struggle to repair our fractured marriage. I am learning, as mentioned in my previous post, that when I see life's challenges not from the view point of what's in it for me but rather how can I help you in your journey, my own life gets easier. I've not yet mastered it and doubt that I ever will. School is always in session and life is a learn as you go.

                                                         

Whether or not you believe Mr. Emoto's conclusion's or agree with his critics that is nothing more than a snake oil salesman, I leave you with this.....  

                                       

What if he's right? The ancients knew to bless and be thankful for everything. In behaving this way they could only benefit from a better and more satisfying spiritual health. Regardless of what your spiritual beliefs are, there is something bigger than ourselves. The messages are everywhere and readily available to everyone. When get wrapped up in every day life we end up like the malformed ice crystals. When we stop, even for a second, and show a modicum of gratitude, we become the beautifully intricate crystals we were meant to be.