Desperation makes for a strange bedfellow

Disclaimer: My opinions expressed in this post are in no way meant to diminish the severity of Hurricane Sandy. If you live in the areas that are expected to be hit hardest please seek higher ground. Follow any evacuation protocol that may be issued by your local government.


We've all heard the saying: desperate people will do desperate things. Wikipedia classifies it as: Desperation is an emotional state in which a person feels a situation to be hopeless and without satisfactory options. Decisions made in desperation may be more rash, impulsive, and inappropriate than those made in a rational frame of mind. Desperation can refer to: Panic.
        
Who of us has not done this very thing? We get tired we put things on the back burner and then in no time flat it becomes an "emergency" and we panic. In that head space we are doomed to fail.I see this daily within my little family. All men, they wait till the last possible second to do anything. While I sit in utter angst that they've waited this long, they recite such pearls of wisdom as " It's gonna be okay" or "don't sweat it" or "Calm down...we got this"---oh how I love that one! (NOT) I have found that once the predictable pattern is embedded in our minds, dare I say our DNA, it's almost impossible to replace with a good habit.  But that's not what I am blogging about today......In a very short space of time, 9 days, Americans will head to various voting booths and casting our vote for who we feel is the best leader.  Regardless of what side of the fence you stand on, you can see that desperation has tainted the campaigns. People are saying and doing things that are simply outrageous in order to sway voters to their side. THAT is the topic of this blog.

              
Earlier today I read a tweet from The Weather Channel that asked readers to read and then re-tweet the "stern warning" for people in the path of Hurricane Sandy. I read the so called warning and mentioned this to my husband. That is when he said that I really can't believe what they say because Bain Capitol owns this company and Romney apparently is the biggest share holder. Stunned I did a mini research and sure enough he was right! I am absolutely thunderstruck that any one would stoop to such levels as to create fear of being washed away or trapped so that I will flee the area and thus losing my ability to vote. We as a nation must not allow people who clearly do not have our individual rights in their fore thoughts. We must take a stand against such pathetic attempts to keep us from voting. We are all intelligent individuals capable of making decisions based on facts and not emotions. We have to have correct information in order to make an informed decision. As of late I have noticed that social media seems to be the platform for such bullying. I myself have been guilty of retweeting political comments from others and in hopes of persuading others who might still at this juncture be "undecided". This makes me just as guilty of doing the very thing I stand against!  So I have decided that, at least until we know, for sure, who the clear winner is, I am not going to retweet political commentary either from friends or from news media. And I would urge my readers to really become familiar with the policies of both campaigns, to be able to see what's real and what's just a scare tactic. This is another historic campaign and there is no denying that whom ever stays in or goes to the White House, there is much we stand to lose and gain. We cannot allow others to instill in us the feeling of desperation and potentially dooming our futures and allowing others to steal of freedoms, our rights from us........
                                   
".....whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

I am NOT my weight

I started this post then tossed it then started it again. Each time I got started it seemed like I was complaining, a pity party for myself. I might have things to be pitiful about but the subject of this post is not one of them. I know for certain that I am not the only woman to go through this and the bazillions of emotions that go with it.

Diet!  

As a whole we are never more aware of our weight then we are around the holidays. Every December 31st, at the stroke of midnight, millions of us vow to "lose weight" and just as soon as we work off the champagne hangover we set off into the world resolved to get fit and trim. I cannot tell you how many times I've done this myself. You saw in my last post where I mentioned that I had lost 200 pounds at one point in my life. So clearly I am an "expert" at weight loss. But just like millions of others, the first speed bump that happens I fall into old habits and drown my sorrows with such culinary delights as dark chocolate M&Ms, buttered noodles, soft-n-chewy chocolate chip cookies.... you know what I mean, right? The lie I have told myself is that it wasn't a lot of what I ate so I should be good. Or I re-commit to start again "tomorrow". Now that my mobility is severely limited I got pretty good at continuing to lie to myself that I wasn't eating a lot of food but "just the wrong food" and in part that is true.If I'm in a wheelchair I will inevitably eat more then I work off. Then because of the massive guilt trip I inflict myself with I become depressed. Who hasn't decided that the cure for depression is a quart of ice cream or raw cookie dough? The vicious cycle begins again until the next year when we are even more serious about dieting this time. We enroll in a gym membership, toss everything out of the fridge and cupboards and restock them all with salad greens, sticks of carrots and heads of broccoli and cauliflower. We drink more water, park farther out in the parking lot and take the stairs at work. We celebrate the first 10 pounds gone with good food and friends and say things like "Oh! I almost forgot what this tasted like...this is soooo good!" The inner dialogue is "I will work twice as hard at the gym tomorrow--I'm good" We get tired, overworked, too stressed, and we start the whole thing over again---sound familiar? We secretly pray to God to help us be strong this time. That whole keep from temptation bit. And he obliges....in the form of a tight fitting dress, jeans that fit 3 months ago but now you can't get them over your knees, aching joints, back pain, foot pain or 3 little numbers on the scale......... when it happens I call it a "come to Jesus moment"!

Yesterday I had another Dr. appointment. This time it was with the head of pharmacy to basically see what pills I take, do I know what they are, how they are supposed to work, what I should not take with the pills. Reluctantly I kept the appointment. Truth be told I am not taking enough pills or even close diminished enough in mental capacity that I would need such a review, but medicare says go, so I go. Turns out though that this appointment was way more than just a pill count. I got on a scale and was absolutely devastated with the numbers I saw. I'll just say, while it's not the heaviest I've ever been, it's more than I have weighed in at least 7 years. I felt so defeated. So disappointed in myself and damned pissed off that I lied so well and for so long that I had come to this point in my life. I know you know this feeling---you just wanna shrivel up and hide under a rock. A little like the Elephant Man.
                                  
I watched RuPaul's Drag Race last night....there is a lady-boy who goes by the name  "Latrice Royale". A big, bold, in your face queen who is unafraid of her curves, and gurl! She's got curves! As I watch her I am very aware that she, of all the queens, has the hardest road ahead. She's black, fat and a drag queen, yet there she is struttin her stuff, loud, proud and in charge! Her style and her energy made me realize that I am not defined by my age or my weight. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be alive. I deserve to be healthy.

                                               
So dear readers, I invite you to take this amazing journey with me. During my appointment yesterday I received some really great advice. Celebrate the little things. Instead of a goal of 50 pounds, try just 5 and celebrate those 5 then go for 10 and celebrate those 10. That makes it much easier and the perfect recipe for success.  I have recently discovered that when we are on the same side of the road, when we are laughing and crying and angsting together that the journey ceases to become an obligation and instead becomes the next block in the friendship quilt!  

Caution! Zombie Sleeper Xing...

As many of you might know I had a sleep study last night (Sunday). Let me share with you just a tiny bit about me and my "sleep".  Put simply I don't really sleep, I snooze. I know that I dream and mostly always remember my dreams. I know that dreams happen in REM sleep so at points throughout my night I snatch a few minutes of REM. My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores so loudly. On the last night we slept together I woke him up and told him that if he didn't go to the couch I would stab him in the neck. At that moment I meant it and probably would have done it. I have 2 cats and they love sleeping on me, near me and under the covers. This means bliss for me but not for husband. I also sleep with a fan which makes the room pretty cold. Once I get cold I tend to burrito myself in the blankets---husband needless to say, has spent many a night with nothing more than a corner of a sheet. I also have this particularly strange sleep behavior in where I sit up. I scoot back up against my pillows, prop my knees up with a towel and then rest my elbows on my knees and my head in my hand. I can sleep like this for what seems like hours in truth it's only until my hands and legs have fallen asleep at which point I will scoot forward three spaces, lay down and go back to sleep.
                                   
Based solely on my weight my doctor scheduled this sleep study. The instructions to this "lab" were not as clear as I would have liked them so I sat in my wheelchair knocking on the glass door to be let in. No one answered the door.....because I was at the wrong building. Once I got reoriented I found the lab, checked in and was immediately wired for sound! If you've never done something like this, you have an electrode under your left eye, you have them in your hair/scalp, you have them on your chin, your chest, your legs and you back. All total some 20 electrodes with their long tails that are plugged into a little white box. I was told that they would be watching me all night long. I warned them about my sitting up, I instructed them not to be alarmed because it's the equivalent of turning over....nothing is wrong just let me be.They also warned me that if I stopped breathing at least 20 times with an hour I would be hooked up to a PAP machine. This above all scared me! I DO NOT like anything around my face. Even if it is life giving air, I will panic. So off to bed I go. Meditation music playing in my ear buds, breathing steady and slowly. In a short while I sat up and I am startled by a loud speaker behind me asking me "Nicole are you okay?"  to which I replied "It's NAOMI and I'm fine". After a while I laid back down. Throughout the night I tried to get comfy. The bed was too soft the pillows to puffy. The room was supposed to be dark but the space between the floor and the bottom of my door let the storage room light, always on, beam into my room, find my eyes with laser like precision and the person in the room in front of me was snoring. I also sat up, as predicted several more times throughout the night and every time I had the mysterious loud speaker ask me if I needed help.
                                                      
My technician came in and out of the room 4-5 different times for what I don't know, but the last trip in was her putting the friggin mask on my face.She wasn't listening when I told her I sleep sitting up but she heard me loud and clear about nothing on my face. In my half dazed stooper I hear this very loud rushing air getting closer to my face. Then like some sinister alien bug it suctioned itself to my nose. The rushing air went quiet and the technician said " I know you want to take it off but you can't. Just listen to your music and you"ll be awake soon and we can take it off". Reluctantly I obliged. I realized that as I breathed the machine was breathing. So I forced myself to breath slowly and peacefully  I resolved that if I couldn't do it I was rip the gear off and the test be damned! I recall a dream in where I was saving people in a park that resembled Chernobyl and only when all were saved could I take my mask off. I was wakened by the fact that my mouth had relaxed opened and there was a rush of air coming out. As long as I kept my mouth shut, I would not have my lips literally flappin in the breeze! I was officially woken up some ungodly hour (6am) and asked to do a litany of "exercises" which were done with the PAP still on my nose. One of the things I had to do was count to 3 and I can tell you that if I wasn't so pissed about the lack of sleep I would have found funny the fact that my lips were struggling to form any of the numbers without their flapping!

                                                     
Go ahead...grab you upper lip with you thumbs and fore finger and simulate rapid movement while you're trying to say ONE.......TWO........THREE..... did you do it? You did, didn't you?

The Art of War....or how I learned how to fly a kite

                                           
I've been thinking....... yeah I know....that was my first mistake, right?     Anyway have you ever wondered why we use such terms as: "The war on Poverty" Battle of the bulge" "The war on crime" The battle against cancer" "The war on drugs"---if you subscribe, as I do, to the idea that thoughts become things, then it's no wonder we are such a violent society! But here's the purpose of this post..........

Back in the 60's the so-called Hippies, carried signs that read "Make Peace not War!" or "Make Love not War!"-- no one knew it then, but they had the right idea. As if you haven't got enough on your plate already, now I'm suggesting your monitor your thoughts? No--it's a worthy goal but sadly it's an unobtainable one. We have millions and millions of thoughts racing about our minds all day every day. Our subconscious mind is always working, always on. There just is no way to monitor all the things that we think. However, if just one thought a day were changed from a negative to a positive, then the door to change is flung open. When I was learning to be a certified clinical hypnotherapist, I had a life changing moment when I realized that my inner dialogue was what kept me from living as a thin person.
                                                           
When we decide to go on a diet we almost always say I need to lose weight. Here's where it gets interesting.....the subconscious mind is the literal mind. It can not decipher between real and fake so everything you store in there was not properly filtered and so our brain sends signals that something is lost! If lost it MUST BE FOUND! So the reality of your efforts is that you may have shed 10 pounds but your hips found them again.....sound familiar? I also learned that the word NO is not in our subconscious minds dictionary. The result being: do not think of the color RED....you just did, right? Any mother will tell you that when you tell your child NOT to do something you just gave him or her permission to do it anyway. We all laugh and roll our eyes but that is the most extreme example of how our mind works. Changing that one word from a negative "Loss" to a positive "Shed" or even some other diet friendly word will make it much easier to get the weight off. I'd be lying if I told you I was successful at getting all the weight off. I did a great job and dropped nearly 200 lbs. Sadly I put nearly all of them plus some back on.
                                                                
I digress....this war. I personally don't get the whole "fight the good fight" thing..what exactly IS a good fight and isn't that an oxymoron? While some people might believe that "War is good for the economy", the last 10 years beg to differ. Not only has depleted our resources, we've lost, unnecessarily, countless lives. In my opinion, we, as a nation, should worry more about our own "backyard" and let others tend the fires of war. That, my friends is what we really "grow" our economy.  Science is telling us to think about the food we are about to put in our bodies, to eat clean. More and more studies show thinking about the food we eat actually stimulates our brains so that we eat less and enjoy our food more. And that, right there, is what we should be doing over all in everything we do. We are too mindless in what we do, what we eat, where we go. We all live life on auto pilot....truest form of a zombie! No, we cannot monitor all our thoughts but we can monitor one....or even too.... the point is being aware of what you send out into the universe to come back to you. I eluded in my last post how poorly I take care of myself. How hard it has been to say I love you Naomi and really feel it, to mean it. But all those bad thoughts, those hate filled thoughts, those mean words to my reflection over countless years have come home to roost in the form of poor health, bad knees, completely depleted immune system. I have much that I have lost because of my..let's call it what it really is..BULLYING. Now, when I need to be good to myself as a way to survive whatever is left of my life, I have nothing left in my reserve tanks, so if I can create a spark in just one person who stops just one second to think about the thought he/she is about to release then it's all been worth it.    

One is the loneliest number

I have been struggling with this post for weeks now. I have been struggling with this issue for decades!  I am certain that I am not the only person to go through this dilemma. What the hell could I be talking about?

                     Self love.

You might be asking yourself why is that so hard.... In part this is because of the way I was raised. I'm certain that my mother's mother and generations back taught their daughters that a woman's worth was measured in how they kept house, how well they cooked, how clever a seamstress they were and how well they raised their children.  Both my grandmother's, now dead, suffered a variety of ailments throughout their lives as well as my own mother. These women were and are strong role models who did what they were taught . Good or bad they did the best they could. That being said, it's no wonder why I still struggle with this issue now in my 50's.

As children, we are captive to our parent's whims and demands. Do I say not as I do. My house my rules. Surely every child has been an unwilling audience to the litany of isms. But, at some point we are no longer hostages to our parents' rules.and we become the master of our own ship as it were. All that we are taught becomes habitual. Like zombies, we move through life doing "stuff" with little to no thought behind it.  Wikipedia describes habits as:  "routines of behavior that are repeated regularly and tend to occur subconsciously.Habitual behavior often goes unnoticed in persons exhibiting it, because a person does not need to engage in self-analysis when undertaking routine tasks. Habituation is an extremely simple form of learning, in which an organism, after a period of exposure to a stimulus, stops responding to that stimulus in varied manners. Habits are sometimes compulsory The process by which new behaviors become automatic is habit formation. Examples of habit formation are the following: If you instinctively reach for a cigarette the moment you wake up in the morning, you have a habit. Also, if you lace up your running shoes and hit the streets as soon as you get home, you've acquired a habit. Old habits are hard to break and new habits are hard to form because the behavioral patterns we repeat are imprinted in our neural pathways."
                                                         
                                         

I digress....I have spent countless years wondering what true love feels like. My husband is incapable of showing love (100% his parents' doing) and while my children adore me, I do not ever feel loved. Granted, my parents love me and a handful of friends love me but the true love I am missing in my life is self love. How alien the concept! I've done the whole stand in the mirror and smile and tell the reflection you love it. Talk about awkward! What usually happens is several hours later I am yelling at the same reflection and telling it how weak and pathetic it is....talk about self defeating! I have slowly begun to realize that looking to my husband for feel good messages is as likely as me winning a three state billion dollar lottery. He has been right all along...only you can make yourself happy. RuPaul always asks "if you can't love yourself, how ya gonna love anybody else?"  So several days ago I downloaded an Isochronic Tone package for self confidence. One of the tones was Love Yourself.  Immediately I was struck with this overwhelming sense of euphoria. In that moment I felt as if I was being embraced by my mom and she sang Always Near as I rested my ears on her chest. That deep feeling of being loved, being sacred and being protected. With a change in my inner dialogue to include "I love you" as I listen to the tones I have begun to release the feelings of inadequacies, self hate, and self doubt. Am I cured? Hardly! My husband and son's make every day a challenge but at the end of the day I can still say I LOVE YOU and actually feel loved by the one person who will always protect me, who will always back me up, who will always be my greatest advocate......


ME!