2012---a year in review

When I first thought of the idea for this post I thought I would have nothing but the bad things to recap. It seems to me that the last several months have been nothing but news. Hurricane Sandy, mall shooting in Portland, shootings in Connecticut, midnight shooting in Colorado, the deaths of Whitney Houston, Phyllis Diller ( et al ) and of course the angst over 12-21-12 -- I perused Google in hopes of finding something, some little story tucked away and forgotten and found nothing but confirmation that, for most of us, the year 2012 pretty much sucked. I felt defeated! Wasn't there anything that happened in 2012 that was actually good?

Finally! Stuffed in the closet of news I found this little story. It starts off sad, the loss of life, but ends in triumph and happiness.....on January 5, 2012 a little girl named Jessie Rees lost her battle to brain cancer. During her 12 years of life she probably lived more than any of us will ever in our lifetime. She not only embraced life but death secure in the fact that she would one day "earn her angel wings". Even as she struggled, her thoughts were on how she could help other children and their families during their own battle with childhood cancer etc. At 12 she instinctively knew the power of laughter and happiness. She created something called:  Joy Jars. 

A 6 year old Will Lourcey decided that he would work at ending hunger not only in his own town but in other towns and throughout the U.S. He created 'FROGs' ( Friends Reaching Our Goals). This was a unique way he and his friends could come up with ideas on how to raise money for the fight against hunger.  Even at 6 years old he knew that hunger in America is unacceptable and acted.

Cassandra Lin is changing the world "one fry at a time" by turning grease into fuel and helping the less fortunate in her community. She created  Project TGIF which basically recycles all the used grease from fast food and others into usable alternative fuel.   On December 24th, 2012 Will, Jessie and Cassandra were honored by CNN for their amazing contributions.  These children saw a need and rather than get bogged down with the what if's and the I wish I could help's and the bureaucratic bullshit that some adults get lost in they just DID IT.  Along the way they inspired others to do the same, to join the cause or start their own cause.

As I read these stories and got lost in others I found some comfort knowing the the year 2012 was not a total loss. That it's not hard to see the good in people, and less harder to be the good. Yes, times are hard and times will be harder. Life is sometimes chock full of sadness, death and sorrow. But how we deal with it is half as important as what he gain to learn from it.  We can no longer afford to look to others for the solution. We have for too long rested on "I'll do it later" or "it's not my problem to fix" and in my opinion, we've lost sight of the idea that we are all in this together. Good bad and otherwise. The problem belongs to all of us and the solution can be found in all of us. These three children ( and countless before and after them) have showed us how to rise strong in times of uncertainty. How to stare into the face of failure and death and never blink! When we come together, putting our differences aside and work to end hunger, cure cancer, end poverty etc we become the strong nation we once were. So.......

Wisdom

If it's not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life's prayer of becoming and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that you might know your own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion. 

A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen.

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity - traits of the immortal - your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as what we feel for you.

Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.


Bowing before Greatness,
~The Universe

Sometimes there are no words.....

Last week 26 lives were cut short and their surviving families faced their own "apocalypse". With that came an age old debate about guns, our second amendment rights and mental disease. I don't think anyone can deny that the tragedy that occurred in Newtown, CT is just that, a tragedy. Today (12/22/12) marks the final funerals for the victims and their loved ones. Across this country thousands of people, including our government officials, are debating the issue of gun control. The subject is turning out to be like politics and religion...you just don't talk about it in friendly terms.

The following is my opinion. As such I may offend some but I leave the door open to more discussion about this topic. Gun control is not an answer or a solution.


"Gun control is any law, policy, practice, or proposal designed to restrict or limit the possession, production, importation, shipment, sale...."(wikipedia) that being said there is no real way to lawfully restrict the sale and use of guns without going against the second amendment rights of U.S.citizens. But this really isn't about our second amendment rights. As with illegal drugs, there will always be a flaw in the design. Clearly the war on drugs has been dwarfed by those who continue to buy and sell illegal drugs. The answer to this dilemma is to reconsider the possibility of legalizing drugs and deeply taxing them. But this does little in the way of solving the issue of gun control, does it? After days of silence the NRA came forward and demanded that Congress add armed security guards in front of American schools as the "solution". They blamed violent video games, pointed fingers at politicians and criticized the media for "mistruths" regarding the types of weapons used (12/21/12 press release here). They seem hell bent on protesting against the use of "high caliber" weapons in the Newtown shooting and in my mind missing the point all together. The point, in my mind, being that regardless of what type of gun was used, 26 lives were cut short on 12/15/12! The NRA missed an opportunity to unite with politicians and community leaders on ways to prevent this type of tragedy from ever happening again. Instead they gave us their typical battle cry: "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"




Adam Lanza, Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, James Holmes, Jared Loughner, and Seung-Hui Cho. We are all well acquainted with these names. They are the names and faces of mental disease. They were allowed to slip through the cracks of health care. That is the real problem and we are all to blame. We cried foul about "Obama care", we became the angry mob at the very idea of gun control, we bristled at the thought of higher taxes......at every step we said "NO WAY!" and the time has now come where serious talk must lead into serious action. President Obama said it best when he said " saying we can no longer accept events like this has become routine". As I end this post, I leave you with this.........



I don't have the answer. I don't believe anyone at this time has the answer. I do know that there is answer and I know that until we all stop fussing and changing the focus away from serious talk and serious action on gun regulation, mental health etc. will we actually create a solution. The 26 lives can't be lost in vain, they have to have counted for something. Their families who now face the first Christmas without them are looking to all of us to make sure something like this never ever happens again....period! We must do the right thing even when it may creep up on our personal comfort zones.

The New Adventures of Old VanWinklet

I must have been buried alive in a past life....there is simply no other explanation for the absolute terror that I feel when anything lighter than a feather is on my face, specifically my nose and mouth. So when I found out I had "severe obstruction sleep apnea" I walked through my life with the little twinges of fear making a nest in my belly. I did a lot of self pep talks as I reasoned with my head and mounting fear that have a CPAP machine was actually going to be a god thing. I would sleep better, wake more refreshed, I always have an escape hatch ( as in ripping the mask frantically form my fave and sucking in fresh air), once my body got used to the new way of sleeping I would start to lose weight....blah blah blah. Now in my heart of hearts I know that all of those things are in fact true but that nest of fear was beginning to grow larger and take the shape of another personality.


The place I had to go to was rather strange to begin with. It felt like I was in a massive call center where all the little cubical mice ran from around the water cooler to the claustrophobic sectioned spots. The walls did not reach the ceilings and were painted a dreary beige. There were holiday decorations scattered about the place as if someone puked up candy canes and called it Christmas. There was a 6 foot Christmas tree stuck in a corner of the lobby and I had to really restrain myself from re-positioning ornaments that had just been clumped together with no rhyme or reason. Chairs were lined against the wall like the area reserved for the wall flowers at the prom. After an eternity of restraining to fix the tree my " technician called me into his office. An over sized round table to the left, another wall of lined up chairs but this time the chairs had plastic bags full of equipment sitting it nearly all of them. He proceeded to recite his speech, well memorized over the years on how to use the machine. Soon it was clear that we were getting to the actual fitting part....and cue the nest of perfectly formed panic! As I am literally gritting my teeth in anticipation of this little bald head pokes through and looks at me, makes excuses for the intrusion and then asks for some part of some machine. Problem solved, the bald head disappears.

Here comes the fitting part---damn it! Wheres the bald head when you need it!!!?? For some reason my "tech" decided to manically wrap my head into the head gear VERY TIGHTLY! He kept asking me if it was too tight and when I nodded my head he tightened it more! I think I lost the feeling in my forehead and couldn't help but think of Peyton Manning who at every game does his QB thing and then strolls to the sidelines. When he takes of his helmet off there is a HUGE red mark the shape of the padding inside. Tighter and tighter he yanks of the head straps....now he flips the switch and like a mutant alien seeking entrance to my brain the nose piece makes some weird vapor sound and...............little bald head re-enters the room and they just start chatting about something bald head can't find. I am fighting for my life, my brain and for the attention of my "tech"! Hellooooooo? Over here! I'm the one over here that is wrestling with the mutant alien.....a little help?



Fast forward to last night at home. Now it's time to go to bed with my face alien. I could not get it comfortable. Too tight and my upper lip disappeared into the mask and the mask mashed itself into my teeth. Too lax and I had air escaping into either one of my eyes, moderately tight and the mask kept making a weird noise like when you let air squeal free from a balloon. I fussed and fiddled with my alien for 4 hours and finally ripped it off my face turned the damned thing off and fell instantly to sleep. God love my son who heard me bitching about it through massive gulps of my coffee......he disappeared into the back of the house and returned with my alien. Together through trial and error we found a comfort zone which was as simple as adjusting the friggin nasal bridge piece! Yeah......I feel
 and damned tired!

God Moving Over the Face of The Waters

...is actually the title of one my most favorite Moby pieces of music. And part of why I am blogging today. Most everyone who reads my blogs knows that I put a great deal of time and effort into maintaining my "Zen" state. There is so much bullshit out there in the world and it's enough to drive a person insane. Sometimes I wonder if people who are "insane" aren't just taking a mental day off, as it were. I also think that some of that crap is the reason we see higher numbers of alcohol and drug use in teens. Think about it....mom and dad are completely stressed, spread thin and worn out. Worried about day to day life and it's indefinite struggles, our kids can lost in the crowd. To cover up all their own demons teens turn to booze and drugs. I know that is how I dealt with some of my teen years and I don't think a teen from the 70's is any different from a teen of 2012. But that isn't really why I wanted to blog today. Parents sometimes put the weight of the world on their own kids shoulders and all the while expecting greatness from their kids. I think we may have seen that in the recent suicides of some NFL players---the pressure is just too much to bear.

Every now and again I get overwhelmed and stuck in the mud of "BS". Clam diggers will tell you that if you stop too long in the bog it will eventually "eat you". Sometimes I feel like a clam digger that stopped too long and am struggling to get free from the thick cold wet mud. Sometimes the more I wiggle trying to get out, the deeper I sink down. Sometimes just as I wiggle free, my immediate family (husband and oldest son) will load their own BS on my lap and down I sink again. I know that I am not unique in this phenomenon; if I were there would not be a world wide epidemic of people taking antidepressants. Don't get me wrong--I take them and I am glad that I do. Unless I was devoid of all stress in my life there is no way I would want to live without them! There is no shame in using them, as far as I am concerned. The comforting thing about them is that they don't numb you to reality, the only help you handle reality more effectively. It took me a looooong time to realize that! Before I started taking them I struggled, down to my core, with the (false) idea that using them was a sign of weakness, that I was crazy. As my Mom would later tell me, it was a sign of strength to know when to ask for help.

I speak a lot about "Zen". For me it's not so much a following of a "religion" as it is a state of being. When my mind is quiet I can better handle life.Think of it as the difference between AM radio and FM radio. AM is monochromatic. FM radio is rich and vibrant.  One of he things I do to maintain my Zen is to listen to my isochronic tones and other quiet relaxing music. The more important part of my Zen is to always acknowledge that God, is in fact, moving across my turbulent waters. Recently I posted a tweet that said, and I quote: "There are few places in this world where God dwells and Chapel of The Holy Cross in Sedona, Arizona is one of them". If you've never been there you are missing out on a unique experience. On the whole I do not go to church nor would I recommend any church...... I've been to enough of them, that I can't see any good in it. My opinion, which I've shared before is, that you can't be God-like on Sunday morning and beat the wife and kids or kick the cat the rest of the week. Yes-sure, God will forgive you but why tempt fate? For me it has turned out to be the case of the barrel of apples being spoiled by the one or  more people in several churches who behaved as if they could do or say whatever they wanted because Sunday morning services wiped the slate clean. But I digress............

In the early 80's I found myself on a road trip to Flagstaff with my best friend EVER Bill Curby. It was he who introduced me to the above Chapel.We were to visit his sister and on the way we drove through Sedona. Along the way in some back alley bar, he and I got stoned. Not proud of it but nor am I sorry that I did it. We made our way to "this really cool place". He and I walked the path upwards to this massive church and then sat down and caught our breath just outside of the entrance. We giggled and cackled like the people that we were at that time. Bill allowed me the privilege of being exactly who I was, no strings attached. He always made me laugh and sometimes so hard I peed myself. He saw in my my potential for greatness when I could not.

Anyway, we finally gathered our wits, but still felt a little like when you know you have to go into a solemn event but you can't stop giggling, and we took the last few steps inside. The moment I walked into the chapel something fell over me. I knew instantly that this place was a truly holy and reverent place. The effects of my chemically altered self were obliterated. I had a whole new sense of clarity and focus.  My chest was heavy and warm much like the feeling you get when you're in love. My body felt lighter and electric all at once but I could not move. I began to cry. I had the overwhelming sense of being in the presence of God though he was not physically there.... I realized in that moment that I was lucky enough to "see" him in the rock formations ,the candles that people lit in prayer, in the people who lit the candles, and the shadows on the chapel floor.  His presence was what I felt in my chest and any air I breathed in was the of breath Him.

Now, hold on, I realize that sounds like maybe my Zoloft isn't working or even the chemicals had not worn off, right?  But isn't that how God works for all of us?  Just like that day I stood in the Chapel and could not stop crying, the moment my head realized I was in the presence of God; he works like that with everyone. Some of us are mostly too busy to fully understand it, others might "get it" but too quickly lose touch and ultimately lose faith. I know just how easy it is to blame God for all the bad in life and to use it as some sort of justification for why I lost my Faith and my Faith in God,which are actually one in the same! This Sunday I will be 52 and I still not have mastered myself. I, like you, am a constantly evolving work in progress and so I leave you with this..........

In my opinion, God works in each of us according to the way we believe.  He leaves little remnants of himself, like he did in June 1982,  in shadows on a chapel floor. So whether you call him God, Jehovah, YHWH, or The Universe, only when we are still and quiet enough,will we ever see, feel, or hear the presence of God, of our inner divine.  I refuse to believe that life is only a series of unfortunate mistakes and missed opportunities but more about those little remnants of God and the shadows spilled across a chapel floor.  I am learning, every day, that we can longer afford to wait for someone else to take up the cause. We must be proactive towards our own goals. That each of us has to be the change we seek.