I'm putting this here coz no one will ever see it and anyone that does, won't cate anyway. Today I was told by my 18 year old that I was a pathetic parent and although those words hit me hard, thwy are spoken words that mirror my internal dialoge now for 22+ years. I have totally failed at being a loving and caring mother. I thought I was doing a good job at it by protecting them from harm, keepimg food in their bellies wven if it meant I didn't eat, by sacrificing to make certain they had a roof over their head, clean clothes, strong morals, and that they never went to sleep without knowing that I loved them. In fact, as they got older and stop wanting those things I still said I loved them even when they were sleeping. I was determined to NOT be like my own mother who was too wrapped up in her own b.s. that she often slept through my childhood or, and more likely than not, was "sick" which kept her away from crowds, commitment, interaction, and all three of her childern.
When I found out that I was to be a mom, my life changed and my single focus was them and ONLY them to the point that it made my already weak marriage even weaker and I ultimately lost my husband to another woman. Not gonna lie, that hurt because I had to face the fact that every thing I had worked so hard on was for nothing. But I finally came to realize I still had my kids. Kids, that no matter what they said or did I was always proud of them and glad that they were mine. But, deep down inside, I always thought about what I COULD have done, SHOULD have done and the million other things I never did. Insidious fucking thoughts like why did I beat my baby infront of people for not eating cheese? Why didn't I tell them more I love you? The thoughts that kept me up long goddamned hours were all about what I never did, what I missed because I was too busy working because my husband refused, the millions of missed opportunities that I will never ever get back and all memories of firsts like first step, first words, first tooth that I wasn't a part of but my now ex husband has forever. I missed ALL of my youngest's childhood because I was working......not because I wanted to, but because if I didn't we would starve, lose heating or cooler, lose water and more times then I can count we DID lose our shelter. All the times that we had to move because we got evicted and I had to find a new place, pack the old plce, move in to the new place and without the help of my husband and while still holding a job, sometimws three at the same time meant I missed doing MY job as their mother and regretfully leaving that task to their father. The man who sent them outside so he could whack off, the man who said his judo was more important than my busted knee so he left his pregnant wife and first son to go be some amazing judo person. The man who refused to wear his wedding ring even when he knew how important it was to his wife. The same man who eagerly gave me his wedding ring to pawn so that we could eat for a week. The very same man who told me when I was pregnant with his 1st son, that he wanted to fuck an insurance client. I put all of these decressions aside for the sake of keeping a family together, keeping their dad a part of their lives though he mde it clear this wasn't what he wanted....ever. Sacrifices.
I have always enjoyed my sons laughter, their individual sense of human, their smile.....the little things that make them now adults and all despite me not being where I was needed to be. It hurt my soul when I saw either of them struggle with the divorce that ended up happening, it killed me to my core to hear them cry in anger and pain and sadness and say to me that they wanted to die rather than feel the pain that they felt. I worried, I stressed, I panicked, I cried and I prayed to God to please protect them and comfort their mind and heart. I always thought t
THAT was part of being a parent who actually gave a shit, so when my son told me this morning that I was a pathetic parent, when he told me yesterday he didn't need me or want me, when he told me two weeks ago that he didn't want to be in this house or this state or this countty any more, when he told me 30 days ago he had "given up" I admit that I took it personally because I had to face the fact that all my sleepless night and internal dialoge, all those self doubts and second guessing myself was true. He spoke what I've been teeling myself for the last 18 years.
Oh sure, he tried to apologize later but the damage had been done. I have in fact failed my children and apparently in bigger ways then I imagined. I have to be glad that he wants to join the A.F.Reserves......this news, which wasn't gonna be shared until it was too late, scared me. I feared for his life and his saftey. Naturally both his father and older brother thought it was awesome news....its a guy thing I guess. I have relied in him for so much simply because either I cannot do it or the effort put into getring his brother to do it and do it right is too much to bear and now, faced with boot vamp5and tech school I having to figure out how to do the things he has been doing, coupled with that growing seed of fear and seeing him pull farther and farther away has been more than I can bear. I feel crippled emotionally and mentally and my cover up is anger. But not anger at him, anger at MYSELF for failing him over and over again to the point that he feels trapped and stuck in some dead end nightmarish life that only the military can quell. Do I wish I was dead? You bet I do.....faced without my kids, life seems worthless. But I won't kill myself because I guess I'm too chicken anymore and I will NOT put that extra burden on either them. I am a failure as their mother but I am not a heartless bitch.
My oldest says I "need to shut the fuck up and move past it" which grieves me so. I have spent my ENTIRE life desperately trying to be heard, seen, loved, wanted and needed. I wanted to be my dad's little girl, his princess. Instead I got molested by him, betrayed my my mother and only now, on his way off the planet does he say the things I wanted to hear when I was 5 and 6 and 7 and so on. I spent 20 years of my fucked up marriage fighting to be my husband's one and only, his queen. To be appreciated for the work, the effort I put myself through to keep a house and keep the family together. Instead, he opened and paid for an account on a dating site, found a woman and dated her while he was married to me. He took her to Bisbee for her birthday in a rented car. He sent her pictures of his dick and then copied the texts to me. And when it was my birthday he told me "you know I dont do stuff like that" or "if I buy you some thing for you birthday, we'll be stuck eating cat food from a can"--his clever way of confirming I wasn't special enough.
So today was just a punch in the gut, the rude awakening that screamed I AM NOT WORTHY. I have failed my children, my marriage, my parents, my brothers, and pretty much ALL of my friends and my pathetic chaos of a life. Being told that I was a pathetic parent by one son and to suck it up and shut up by the other, well, it's just a bit more than I could handle. And I honestly don't know if I can ever handle that type of in your face truth.....not all at once anyway. Being faced with the euthanasia of a very old and worn out tumor riddle dog and finding out I can't afford it is massively discouraging. Facing the possibility that I may not be able to provide a thankgiving for them or that Adam may not even be here for Christmas, is disheartening. Even if Adam is here for Christmas, I may not be able provide Christmas for either them and that hurts me to my core.....just another notch in my failures bedpost. And by the way, hearing their father say he can use his sign up money for the family, pisses me off and hurts my feelings that he wants his son to some how compensate for his own lacking. Its not righy. Its not okay and that is the very definition of selfishness on his dad's part.