What if.......

A funny

As many of you know I am a horror freak! Bloodier the better, I say. But I'm also a picky horror fan. Don't waste my money my time and my intelligence with BS scripting and stupid graphics. A slit in the throat is more than likely going spew, NOT trickle.....I mean c'mon!

The day I knew Paranormal Activity 3 came out I was elated! I'd seen 1-2 and was really excited about 3. I have DirecTV and so periodically I would check the line up for possible showings much to the annoyance of my oldest son. FINALLY the day came when it was on PPV and I felt like a kid the night before a family vacation....barely slept a wink! I debated with myself several times throughout the night on whether or not I should just go watch it alone while everyone else slept. The moment I woke up the following morning I couldn't wait for the house to clear out. I would be all over that movie! 

Not much scares me anymore.....you can kinda feel when something spooky is going to happen, especially true in a movie where music plays a big part of the background and then suddenly stops.....you KNOW something bad is always about to happen! The short version of my initial viewing is that there were several spots in the film that I actually got spooked! I could not wait for my family to get home, get dinner done and then watch it with them.  Now we have three pets; 2 cats and a dog. One of the cats is a lard ass and the dog thinks she's invisible to us,especially in the dark but hasn't caught on that we hear her nails click click clicking across the tile floors! Nevertheless, I asked my son's to barricade the entrance to the hall and their bedroom to keep the dog from sneaking off to the cat box and then the cat food. We always leave a large gap between the wall and the gate so that the cats can came and go as they pleased. 

So picture, if you will, two couches set up in such a fashion that they form an "L". The TV faces toward the center of said "L" and directly behind the TV is a window and then the front door. All lights are off in the house....in my neighborhood, there are no street lights so it gets pitch black at night. We sit around the living room only the light of the TV and the movie begins. Keep in mind I've already seen the movie and my husband is a HUGE chicken and extremely easy to scare. The first scary part happened and he screamed like a little girl, shot his legs up off the floor, pushed his body deep into the couch and then shot off the couch and ran away! I kid you not! I just about peed myself on that one! I knew he would get scared but I had no idea he would get THAT scared...lil sissy!

Throughout the rest of the film there were scary parts and all three of my menfolk jumped, squealed, got scared. By the middle of the film, husband was ready to call it quits and finish the movie during the day! We all heard something banging but we couldn't figure out where or what it was. We all had different versions of what we thought it was but no one wanted much to go through a dark house to find the answer. 

On with the film........

At the precise moment when the last boogedy happened in the film we all heard a loud BANG in the hall, the dog went in that direction to protect us from ???? and out walks lard ass cat! He was stuck between the wall on the baby gate so we pushed in on it and the gate dropped to the floor. My husband was paralyzed in his seat...he couldn't move!  We all laughed and went back to the movie and I looked over at my oldest son... 6'0 tall, 230 lbs.beard, mustache....every inch manly man, right? He was crouched down in his seat hands over his eyes wanting to see but not wanting to see. Peering through tiny little "V"'s in his hands. The youngest was on the floor with the corner of his blanket pulled half way up his face and poised ready to yank the corner over his eyes.  At the end of the film the dog sat up next to the youngest and in the silence of the room we all hear: phhhhhstblurp. She farted.

 If you haven't yet, GO and rent this film! Go! Right now! I'll wait......................................................  

a new take on take out

Try it.....you'll love it!

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/orange-beef-style-tofu-stir-fry/

A true story

I am unable to walk for very long without any pain. I fell into a car 3 years ago and injured my knees. They were already to blow out---they screamed at my 400+ girth on a daily basis. The fall cinch the deal and slowly, at first, I lost mobility. Today, I move around my hair on a computer chair. Since every square inch of my house is tile, this is a breeze...there are two draw backs: cooking is a real bitch since I'm eye level with the food/stove and there's a place in the tile that is uneven and creates a lip. The grout lines are fairly deep as well so as you can imagine I get caught a lot in the grout. 

This one uneven spot seems to be my short fall---hey I made a funny! Fall? Get it? Whatever...I digress. It never fails that when I am scooting through the house I get stuck. There is one wheel that nearly always gets caught on the lip of the uneven tile and as the result....I end up spinning in a perfect circle. Basically what ends up happening is I am headed backwards towards the kitchen and rolling/pushing in a straight line and then Whamo! I'm spinning around in the opposite direction trying disparately to get unhinged from the lip! Not funny? Did I mention I'm in my panda hat AND the dog is trying to get past me to go outside at the precise moment I am stuck in a working and I need to pee reeeeallly bad?  Adding insult to injury my bitch cat is staring at me and if she could she would be sucking her teeth and scoffing at me under breathe: "stupid biped".

So there you have it folks. A little insight into how easy it is to find humor in most everything I do or say.