The New Adventures of Old VanWinklet

I must have been buried alive in a past life....there is simply no other explanation for the absolute terror that I feel when anything lighter than a feather is on my face, specifically my nose and mouth. So when I found out I had "severe obstruction sleep apnea" I walked through my life with the little twinges of fear making a nest in my belly. I did a lot of self pep talks as I reasoned with my head and mounting fear that have a CPAP machine was actually going to be a god thing. I would sleep better, wake more refreshed, I always have an escape hatch ( as in ripping the mask frantically form my fave and sucking in fresh air), once my body got used to the new way of sleeping I would start to lose weight....blah blah blah. Now in my heart of hearts I know that all of those things are in fact true but that nest of fear was beginning to grow larger and take the shape of another personality.


The place I had to go to was rather strange to begin with. It felt like I was in a massive call center where all the little cubical mice ran from around the water cooler to the claustrophobic sectioned spots. The walls did not reach the ceilings and were painted a dreary beige. There were holiday decorations scattered about the place as if someone puked up candy canes and called it Christmas. There was a 6 foot Christmas tree stuck in a corner of the lobby and I had to really restrain myself from re-positioning ornaments that had just been clumped together with no rhyme or reason. Chairs were lined against the wall like the area reserved for the wall flowers at the prom. After an eternity of restraining to fix the tree my " technician called me into his office. An over sized round table to the left, another wall of lined up chairs but this time the chairs had plastic bags full of equipment sitting it nearly all of them. He proceeded to recite his speech, well memorized over the years on how to use the machine. Soon it was clear that we were getting to the actual fitting part....and cue the nest of perfectly formed panic! As I am literally gritting my teeth in anticipation of this little bald head pokes through and looks at me, makes excuses for the intrusion and then asks for some part of some machine. Problem solved, the bald head disappears.

Here comes the fitting part---damn it! Wheres the bald head when you need it!!!?? For some reason my "tech" decided to manically wrap my head into the head gear VERY TIGHTLY! He kept asking me if it was too tight and when I nodded my head he tightened it more! I think I lost the feeling in my forehead and couldn't help but think of Peyton Manning who at every game does his QB thing and then strolls to the sidelines. When he takes of his helmet off there is a HUGE red mark the shape of the padding inside. Tighter and tighter he yanks of the head straps....now he flips the switch and like a mutant alien seeking entrance to my brain the nose piece makes some weird vapor sound and...............little bald head re-enters the room and they just start chatting about something bald head can't find. I am fighting for my life, my brain and for the attention of my "tech"! Hellooooooo? Over here! I'm the one over here that is wrestling with the mutant alien.....a little help?



Fast forward to last night at home. Now it's time to go to bed with my face alien. I could not get it comfortable. Too tight and my upper lip disappeared into the mask and the mask mashed itself into my teeth. Too lax and I had air escaping into either one of my eyes, moderately tight and the mask kept making a weird noise like when you let air squeal free from a balloon. I fussed and fiddled with my alien for 4 hours and finally ripped it off my face turned the damned thing off and fell instantly to sleep. God love my son who heard me bitching about it through massive gulps of my coffee......he disappeared into the back of the house and returned with my alien. Together through trial and error we found a comfort zone which was as simple as adjusting the friggin nasal bridge piece! Yeah......I feel
 and damned tired!