It was a family of 5 who's father had a daughter from a previous marriage and the mother had 2 son's from a previous marriage. He was chasing schemes to make millions, she was into meditation and quick sex with other guys. The children were 12, 9 and 4. They had no clue how to tie shoes, button or snap things and dinner with a fork was alien to them. I stayed there a year and during the time the best friend of the millionaire wannabe would come down from Kansas and, because I believed at the ripe old age of 21 that I was measured by how much sex I was willing to have, the BFF and I would have sex in my bedroom way in the back of the house. Soon my best friend found herself pregnant and decided to keep the baby and raise it as her own. To do this she wanted to enlist me as her housekeeper and subsequently her babysitter. The offer of $20 more than I was getting in my current job was enough to make me move in with her. I soon found out that I had been duped and would never see a penny. I worked at Taco Bell until the baby was born and then quit to help with the baby. During this time I met and slept with any number of men thinking that they found me attractive and sensual. The all had different ideas: one said he wanted to know what it was like to screw a fat chick, one said I was a convenient place to relieve his stress. Every man I slept with was another affirmation that I was not worthy of love or respect. My value was found in my willingness to sleep with so and so.
My friend married and moved her her new husband and the baby to another apartment across town. I was left in a two bedroom apartment with only my bed, my clothes and a can opener. Over a two year period I moved into a smaller apartment then starting working for my mother as her secretary, became a foster parent to rescue my friends daughter who was molested by her step father and the roommate. She tried to tell her mother and her mother denied it all and figured that she would teach her a lesson by forcibly inserting her dildo into this 8 year's vagina. This only served to make her daughter very angry and when she became "too much to handle" her own mother sent her to Child Protective Services. She was placed in my home and I raised her for 2 years before the state decided that the allowable time for separation had come and they placed her back in her mothers home. I found out some time later that the daughter had been routinely subjected to mental and physical abuse and consistently told that if her mother had to make a choice between her daughter and her husband, her husband would always win. This precious gift from God was forced to fend for herself, and after graduation she went into the Air Force. During that time she accepted that she has always had a thing for strong willed red heads and embraced her homosexuality. Some years later I lost my two best best friends from high school to aids, my best friend (above) severed ties with me because her husband was jealous of our relationship. I didn't see her for nearly 6 years. I walked through life alone until I met my husband. We dated for a red hot 3 week period and asked me to marry him and I was head long into the next phase of my tired life.
Today I sit here still amazed that I had to endure so much of the self inflicted stress and even more of the external stresses of having to realize I served a purpose of procreation and now that I gave him 2 son's my job was downsized to working mom, paper of bills, etc. I lost the pleasure of seeing my son's grow, their first word, the first step, their first lost tooth. It didn't feel cool that I had to work and he got to stay home. I was living in Tempe just trying to survive. Everything that I did I did for the good of my family. It seemed natural to do it all, it seemed logical to do it perfect. What I did not know was that every event, as common as they were, blended from one to the next with no down time. I never ever had a chance to work through the original problem before the next one set in. I got comfortable with the lie I told myself that this is how a mom and a wife does it. The only way a woman can truly show her love and devotion is take tackle every decision, every event. To organize every detail and aspect of her life and that of her family's life and, in doing so I thought I would find my worth. Today I can tell I never did. As part of my 4 day long stay at the OCC I had to relive all those failures, all those moments in my life I turned to someone else to define me, all the times I allowed an event to define me and ultimately design my future. In facing them I had see find ways to understand that they do not define me, the do not design my future unless I let them. I had to let go of every lie I was told by others and the lies I told to myself. I had to let go of the anger I had for the entire world who I often asked help from and was just as often found the out to lunch sign. I was diagnosed as having PTSD with severe anxiety and manic depression. Under the circumstances I can definitely see where that could happen.
Today I am a new person. Feeling much better than I did even yesterday. Thank god for Lorazepam! This is gonna be a work in progress. My husband is sure to fall into auto pilot habits. I felt them yesterday as he attempted take me back down to the bottom of the well. When it wouldn't work, he started acting anxious and said things like I can't stand being her with you parasites when it still didn't work he had other choice than to suck it up and move on. My primary doctor is disgusted with Walter, my psychotherapist wondered why I hadn't killed him yet, the people at OCC asked if I had a gun that I could shoot his balls with, the various medical professionals all agreed that I am NOT crazy, this isn't something that I made up, it's real and it really sucks. I am giving myself 30 days during which time I continue taking meds, seeing my "shrink" doing my kundilini Yoga and journaling daily. No matter what happens at the end of 30 days I want to be ready...ready to face it and eager to move past it into the next phase of my life. I simply cannot allow any other human being to pull me into that dark dank place at the bottom of the well. I have lost my dream of a happy marriage with a husband that loves me. Yet I also know that I can't have lost something I never had to begin with.
THANK YOU DEAR READERS FOR ALL YOUR GOOD THOUGHTS, YOUR LOVE AND CARE DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME. IF I HAD NOT HAD SOME OF YOU AS FRIENDS ALREADY I WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED AND THIS BLOG WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT. YOUR KINDNESSES ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!
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