Life is not a series of well planned transactions or coordinated missteps. I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately....1) I have nothing but time and 2) the direction my life has lead me requires this reflection. Some of my reflection has been what Oprah calls "Ah Ha moments" other moments have eluded me and require more work. One of the things I have noticed is that I have walked away from inner happiness because I thought that that action would earn me a special place in Walters heart,mind and world. I guess that makes me a sort of chameleon? I know that I am not the only human to realize or even do this. I believe that we all do this to some extent as a form of protection, likability, and in some cases survival. I am fairly sure that we all suffer from multi personality disorders....we are one thing at work, another with friends, and yet another with our children and spouse. Couples do this when they are dating and then they melt back into their true selves creating the whole "honeymoon is over" bag. I think this is because our survival via children demands this behavior. I know that in my marriage once I achieved that goal, I didn't need a man any more but because I did not want to become a national statistic I stayed longer than I should have. I believed that I was receive value by toughing it out.....especially for the kids. In my mind fighting parents were better than NO parents.
I have also come to realize that we tend to take on the feelings and emotions and in some cases the bad habits of the people we associate the most with. I realized that I adapted to Walter's way of seeing the world through limo glass (can't see in can't see out), always seeing the negative before the positive. In doing so I dissolved into the persona I was several weeks ago: lost, betrayed, confused and abandoned. My whole being was thunderstruck at the reality that everything I worked so hard for was nothing but a lie. The person I had married was not the person who stood in front of me. I was absolutely devastated by Walter's rejection, callousness, lack of feelings and compassion. This was, after all, the man that I had chosen to create children with and spend the rest of my life with, come hell or high water. My parents had gotten divorced, my brothers had gotten divorced and this was not going to happen to me! It may sound familiar to some of you, yes?
I realized I had no choice but to become a national statistic when everything I tried to salvage even a part of my marriage was met with one obstacle after another. I don't know what has happened to the man I did marry....somewhere along the road he and I took very different paths and couldn't wait for the other to catch up. We adopted very different idea's about who we'd be and what we'd be doing in 5 years and, for me anyway, I built a wall to protect myself from Walter not realizing that I was building a wall against my own self! As of lately every time I see Walter I get nervous...who is going to walk through the door today? What argument will I have to avoid for the sake of peace? What secrets does he still keep from me? What is he saying about me behind my back? And my age old question: Is there a way to save this marriage? I was watching a program on OWN and was struck by the similarities between my life and the lives of the couple in the program. This program was only an hour long but it uncovered half of my life.....I saw that I had to take responsibility for my role in the demise of my marriage, I had to accept responsibility for not taking care of myself both emotionally and physically and I had to be willing to forgive both Walter and myself. I could stand in one spot till the cows come home screeching that I am living in the here and now....truth be told I was trying but I didn't keep up the effort...I didn't want to do more hard work. I came across an app on how to find and stay in happiness "forever". I don't know if anyone can stay happy forever, but when you're doing the exercises you are opening yourself to inner peace, compassion for you and your friends and family, and you might just learn something along the way. It only takes a second to smile and be grateful.
I have learned in this journey that when I forget to be grateful I am letting myself down. There is no legit reason to choose negative over happiness. I guess we are conditioned to dwell on the bad rather than the good. I think this happens in childhood. Most parents don't see the cues until it's too late and then we have to figure things out by ourselves. When I was a little girl, I was in the Brownies. A friend of mine was absent due to sickness and I knew vaguely where she lived. I was certain I could find my way to her house and back to mine. I didn't tell my parents, I just did it. I ended up getting lost but eventually found my way home. When I got home, my parents were in the middle of getting ready for some event and they seemed unimpressed by the big brave adventure I had just come home from. As an adult I know all too well that parents get lost in the daily activities of life. We tend to compartmentalize our lives ....parenting is hard work! No one ever tell us this when we're in school.....to this day school tell kids more about how not to get pregnant than how to actually be a parent, a role model. By the time we end up face to face with parenthood, we are clueless and there is no book or manual to refer to, parenthood is a learn as you go project. If you have multiple children then the whole oldest,middle and youngest plays out and you learn everything on the 1st born, experiment with new things on the 2nd and you're just too tired to care by the 3rd. If you have only one child you get to learn, practice, redo, do over and get it partially right...one stop parenting!
I digress....happiness. I am learning the new habit of staying as happy as I can. I am learning to be patient with myself and with others (this is particularly difficult for me, being patient with myself). I am having to reprogram my head and my body as well as my spirit to think in the positive not the negative. I can tell you from experience it's not as easy as one might think and it for sure is going to require time and patience. It takes 21-30 days to create a new habit. Some things are easier than others but in the case of happiness it's a second my second decision to be happy. That, and, I am seeing how much of it really IS all about A T T I T U D E. I love my husband (soon to be EX)...we have history together. He was my first love and likely to be the last. I have learned to forgive him for his shortcomings, poor choices, and bad timing. He was not a mistake, neither were my children. My marriage was not a mistake. It was a rest stop along the way to step out of the car, walk around and take a piss. We both did mean and stupid things to each other, we both fell into the pitfalls and landmines that we left for each other and for ourselves. I really do hope that we can emerge from this divorce as true friends but I am also okay if we don't. His happiness in life may not included me just as mine may not include him. I love him and myself enough to let each of us make the decisions we need to make independently of each other. I am strong enough to realize that I can send him my love, my patience and my happiness and my support. My own happiness and peace no longer comes from him being happy or not. My self worth is valued not by other peoples praise or recognition. My success in life is not gauged by what others will think or say about me. I am my own cheer squad!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
The Wonderful Adventures of I REALLY don't give a rats ass!
For those who haven't already heard, I started the process toward a complete and final divorce. This whole past week has been a test of whether the paint is in fact dry or not. I can say though with a certain amount of confidence that I am still kicking and still strong. Still devoted to my inner peace and happiness and the happiness and inner peace of my two sons. I've been on this path for a while now and almost lost my focus on Monday when the soon to be EX earned a ride in an ambulance headed toward the ER. The entire time I sat next to his bed hoping that he was just playing a game and not really having a nervous breakdown, he went back and forth between telling me how much he loved me and how much he hated me. I got to hear things like how it was MY fault his current girlfriend dumped him, what a failure I was as a wife and at one point he gritted his teeth like a rabid dog and hissed that he was going to "pump her and I hope you die!" Six hours, several more verbal abusing"s; and 3 tests later he was released but had also earned himself a diagnosis of personality disorder. No one could find any physical reason for his behavior but they did suggest that he had vertigo and a sinus infection. During the ride home I realized that my mother had called it correctly and this turned out to be a HUGE butt rap. He was apparently feeling left out of life because the boys and I were happy and getting along with each other and every single attempt to engage in stupid mean BS was met with silence. The week continued with a great amount of dread, especially from my end of things. I could see that he was slowly working up to another bitch fest....I just didn't know it was happen as soon as it did!
Walter showed up from work unexpectedly and clearly trying to pick a fight with any one who dared to engage. I did the usual damage control to keep the boys out of trouble and that was all it took for the day to explode into chaos. His paranoia gave into a physical alteration which ended up having the police called. He was NOT carted off to jail but was asked by the police to leave the home " for a few days" and allow the household to calm down. He's been sleeping at his mamma's house since. Aside from my son's feeling confusion, and resentment towards me, the atmosphere here has been calm, quiet and lighthearted. The first night he wasn't here I actually S L E P T without wrangling thoughts or worrying that he was up to no good. He keeps popping in and out of the house to see his kids and finally, after all these years, tell them I LOVE YOU and stock the fridge with food for the next day or two. Each morning that he has not been here, waking up has actually been a pleasure. Each evening that he hasn't come home grabbed his vodka and flopped on the recliner has been amazingly quiet and upbeat.
I can say with certainty that I had no real idea as to how much of a black hole, or psychic vampire he really was/is until he wasn't here any more.
I've laid in bed at night hyper vigilantly listening to his conversations with his sons to make sure that I knew what he said. I have laid awake at night making sure he wasn't standing over me just staring at me. I have slept with "one ear and one eye open" for the last 18 years that it seemed so "normal". This new normal is amazing and I find that I am not likely to let it go anytime soon. I had the opportunity to lay some ground rules down with both boys and soon to be EX and I made sure they ALL understood how terribly serious I am about no more BS! I wasted a great deal of energy at the hospital and again when the cops came. I'm happy to report that I didn't even come close to feeling suicidal. I was able to stay calm, stay strong, and stay away from most of the negative crap.
There's a song by a group called "Imagine Dragons" and the song is called Radioactive. I really like this song.
I'm not sure what the intended message is but to me it means waking up to the new possibilities, embracing change and not allowing ourselves to be conformed into something or someone we are not.
Walter showed up from work unexpectedly and clearly trying to pick a fight with any one who dared to engage. I did the usual damage control to keep the boys out of trouble and that was all it took for the day to explode into chaos. His paranoia gave into a physical alteration which ended up having the police called. He was NOT carted off to jail but was asked by the police to leave the home " for a few days" and allow the household to calm down. He's been sleeping at his mamma's house since. Aside from my son's feeling confusion, and resentment towards me, the atmosphere here has been calm, quiet and lighthearted. The first night he wasn't here I actually S L E P T without wrangling thoughts or worrying that he was up to no good. He keeps popping in and out of the house to see his kids and finally, after all these years, tell them I LOVE YOU and stock the fridge with food for the next day or two. Each morning that he has not been here, waking up has actually been a pleasure. Each evening that he hasn't come home grabbed his vodka and flopped on the recliner has been amazingly quiet and upbeat.
I can say with certainty that I had no real idea as to how much of a black hole, or psychic vampire he really was/is until he wasn't here any more.
I've laid in bed at night hyper vigilantly listening to his conversations with his sons to make sure that I knew what he said. I have laid awake at night making sure he wasn't standing over me just staring at me. I have slept with "one ear and one eye open" for the last 18 years that it seemed so "normal". This new normal is amazing and I find that I am not likely to let it go anytime soon. I had the opportunity to lay some ground rules down with both boys and soon to be EX and I made sure they ALL understood how terribly serious I am about no more BS! I wasted a great deal of energy at the hospital and again when the cops came. I'm happy to report that I didn't even come close to feeling suicidal. I was able to stay calm, stay strong, and stay away from most of the negative crap.
There's a song by a group called "Imagine Dragons" and the song is called Radioactive. I really like this song.
I'm not sure what the intended message is but to me it means waking up to the new possibilities, embracing change and not allowing ourselves to be conformed into something or someone we are not.
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