The Wonderful Adventures of I REALLY don't give a rats ass!

For those who haven't already heard, I started the process toward a complete and final divorce.  This whole past week has been a test of whether the paint is in fact dry or not. I can say though with a certain amount of confidence that I am still kicking and still strong. Still devoted to my inner peace and happiness and the happiness and inner peace of my two sons. I've been on this path for a while now and almost lost my focus on Monday when the soon to be EX earned a ride in an ambulance headed toward the ER. The entire time I sat next to his bed hoping that he was just playing a game and not really having a nervous breakdown, he went back and forth between telling me how much he loved me and how much he hated me. I got to hear things like how it was MY fault his current girlfriend dumped him, what a failure I was as a wife and at one point he gritted his teeth like a rabid dog and hissed that he was going to "pump her and I hope you die!"  Six hours, several more verbal abusing"s; and  3 tests later he was released but had also earned himself a diagnosis of personality disorder. No one could find any physical reason for his behavior but they did suggest that he had vertigo and a sinus infection. During the ride home I realized that my mother had called it correctly and this turned out to be a HUGE butt rap. He was apparently feeling left out of life because the boys and I were happy and getting along with each other and every single attempt to engage in stupid mean BS was met with silence. The week continued with a great amount of dread, especially from my end of things. I could see that he was slowly working up to another bitch fest....I just didn't know it was happen as soon as it did!

Walter showed up from work unexpectedly and clearly trying to pick a fight with any one who dared to engage. I did the usual damage control to keep the boys out of trouble and that was all it took for the day to explode into chaos. His paranoia gave into a physical alteration which ended up having the police called. He was NOT carted off to jail but was asked by the police to leave the home " for a few days" and allow the household to calm down. He's been sleeping at his mamma's house since. Aside from my son's feeling confusion, and resentment towards me, the atmosphere here has been calm, quiet and lighthearted. The first night he wasn't here I actually S L E P T without wrangling thoughts or worrying that he was up to no good.  He keeps popping in and out of the house to see his kids and finally, after all these years, tell them I LOVE YOU and stock the fridge with food for the next day or two. Each morning that he has not been here, waking up has actually been a pleasure. Each evening that he hasn't come home grabbed his vodka and flopped on the recliner has been amazingly quiet and upbeat.
                 
I can say with certainty that I had no real idea as to how much of a black hole, or psychic vampire he really was/is until he wasn't here any more.

I've laid in bed at night hyper vigilantly listening to his conversations with his sons to make sure that I knew what he said. I have laid awake at night making sure he wasn't standing over me just staring at me. I have slept with "one ear and one eye open" for the last 18 years that it seemed so "normal".  This new normal is amazing and I find that I am not likely to let it go anytime soon. I had the opportunity to lay some ground rules down with both boys and soon to be EX and I made sure they ALL understood how terribly serious I am about no more BS! I wasted a great deal of energy at the hospital and again when the cops came. I'm happy to report that I didn't even come close to feeling suicidal. I was able to stay calm, stay strong, and stay away from most of the negative crap.

There's a song by a group called "Imagine Dragons" and the song is called Radioactive. I really like this song.  
I'm not sure what the intended message is but to me it means waking up to the new possibilities, embracing change and not allowing ourselves to be conformed into something or someone we are not.

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
I'm breaking in, shaping up, checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my system blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
It's a revolution, I suppose
We'll paint it red to fit right in
Whoa
I'm breaking in, shaping up, checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my system blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

All systems go, sun hasn't died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my system blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive