The new me.....

Let me first say that I am overwhelmed and very grateful for my twitter fans my family and my friends for helping me through this rough patch. Yesterday while I was trying to go back to sleep I was flooded with thoughts of strength, and letting go. Then I had the thought that I should text the "other woman" and I did. I apologized to her for being so angry with her and told her that the idea that Walter could cheat on me with a clear conscious says more about him than her. She got caught up in his tangled web of lies and I told her that if she continues to see him there are few things she needed to know about him the biggest thing being how to tell when he is lying. I told her that she and I both deserved better and I hoped that a friendship could evolve out of this. I honestly don't know what will come from that but it was a turning point in my current situation. I did hear from her later that day a simple thank you. With that I am done stressing about her and Walter together.

Checking my email later I discovered a little email my mom forwarded to be about "God's Cake" .  I am beginning to feel like that email was part of his cake he's been making for me! I also came to realize that Walter is the one that is out of control not me. His fight towards "freedom" from my so-called control. He has never fully realized that while I do have some control it was his own doing but not being the strong an I thought I married. Even more apropos is that he left  me in total control of what happens in this divorce. He hasn't participated in any part of it and so I have the final say about what happens and coincidentally he loses the right to complain about the terms of this contract. Part of the reason it has taken me so long is that I was trying to be fair. If I hurt him in his wallet I ultimately end up hurting myself. But I realized that he's expecting me to be fair.....wont he be surprised? I am finally filing on Tuesday and everything is complete as far as the paperwork goes. I used up THREE ink cartridges and nearly an entire ream of paper but it's all done and final. I hope that I get my day in court as it were so that I can fully express to the Judge just how bad it's been and how much shit I've taken over the years. He told me yesterday that " why don't you make that knife do something useful and just kill yourself". Normally that would have hurt me and cut me to the core (no pun intended). I just shined it on.

Later in the same day I signed back into Twitter. I never knew how much I missed it until I went back to it. It was there that I discovered how many friends I really do have! It saddens me that so many people have gone through this very thing and yet it's encourages and strengthens me as well. I have struggled for so long to not become a "statistic" and now I am. But I am fine with it. I know I will never meet someone else frankly I don't want to. Dating at my age and current health status is more stressful that getting a divorce!

I have to say that today I am stronger than ever! More resolved than ever. I have my friends my family more importantly my SONS and as one friend said, they will need me more than ever. Another friend reminded me (thanks D!) that I've been a single parent all this time. Nothing really will change except that I can concentrate on me my health and my kids. I actually laughed TWICE today which I almost forgot how to do.       And my change in attitude, my renewed courage and happiness has completely unnerved Walter! I'd be lying if I said I didn't smile about it. Frankly it's nice to see him suffer just a little bit.  I've done things in my marriage that I am not proud of, said things I should have never said and I regret that. As my mom would say "I can't unring that bell". All I can do now is just keep swimming! I can't promise I won't have a a few steps backward but I know that I will be fine. In fact Walter and I will both be fine. I don't need his BS head games, lie upon lie, broken promises, and spiteful nature. I am waay smarter than he's given credit for, I am paying attention even though he thinks I'm not. Today I am dedicated and committed to taking him down not out of spite but because I deserve it. This weekend has been the best weekend since this whole mess started. Walter is calm and talkative the boys are not fighting amoungst themselves, I am peaceful. Yup this is a good thing. And so am I!
I taught her everything she knows