Film at 11:00

This actually the first blog since my last so I am basically catching everyone up. This is an UNCENSORED version so I apologize now for anything that may offend.

So much has happened since 2-10-13. I've been placed on a total of 8 medications. The theory is that by taking all these pills I will be numb to the chaos that flits about my life. The actuality is that it hasn't numbed me, I have developed slight tremors in my hands, I've completely lost interest in food (best diet ever! LOL) and have lost interest in most of the things I found pleasant. The biggest difference in that I still think about my own death and a daily basis and at many points in my day as well as body weakness, heavy breathing, coughing and an increase in nightmares, memory loss, and some confusion. Here's where it starts to get ugly:

I am consistently wrestling with daily with the thoughts that I would be better off dead. I have begun to question my faith and if there is a God. I scarcely find any reason to keep my head up and argue with myself that not one person regardless of the relationship would miss me. I've written suicide notes with every intention of following through and I'll be damned if I still end up waking up the next day. I begun to be overly paranoid that where Walter is more than likely with Angela. His tried and blue trusted behavioral patterns have become altered, ramped up if you will. I go in and out of deep despair and for a long while there I could not find the way out. Earlier this week however I did have a two day perfect clarity where I was completely motivated towards my divorce. I had obtained some information that should have made me call it quits on life but for some reason it gave me resolve. It was the missing piece to this maddening puzzle.

I don't know if any of you my faithful readers, can actually understand to what lengths I've gone to put myself out of pain. Frankly I would not wish this darkness on my worst enemy. I recognize that hearing this is difficult for family and friends to hear and for that I am truly sorry. Sadly this is something you can only fully understand by stepping into my shoes and this is not recommended! Suicide scares people and I know this. It scares them because they think of that person as a whole lot stronger than they turned out to be. They get scared because they cannot understand the totality of depression, the need to end the pain on a permanent basis and, for lack of a better description, they're being selfish by saying they could not live without the other person in their lives. While any or all of these might be true, there simply is no really way to accurately describe this gnawing and relentless pain and depression. The best to to convey this is to ask you to think about the movie Groundhog Day. The one when he keeps reliving his day over and over? Now think about the very worst moment in your life....for me that day came when I learned my husband had been sleeping with this Angela bitch. The pain from that day forward intensified as each "new day" brought a new and more intense update. I kept reliving that day until I snapped. Like a turtle poking its head outside of its shell I realized that everything I had worked so hard and long at , every lie I had overlooked for the sake of not arguing, every broken promise I forgave and forgot just for the idea of keeping the peace, every friend I gave up on just to make Walter know I was indeed devoted and loyal to him alone, every unkind word he ever spoke and every busted lip, shove or slap or punch to the gut was right outside and directly in front of my shell. I never told anyone , in fact I always said that Walter was never physically violent and that it was ME who was the violent one. I even joked about it in certain situations by saying that "Yes, I'm safe at home but you might want to ask my husband that same question"

On the day I went to Legal Aid for the divorce seminar I was reminded of the other tough situations that should that should have been  handled by both me and my husband or at least by him alone, was always handed to me to take care of. It was pissed off, right or wrong, that again I was making the biggest decision on the course of action that would ultimately affect my marriage and my children while he was at work hobnobbing with his friends at work or his clients with no clue that Walter wasn't all that he appeared to be and that I was once again doing the legwork, the question asking, the decision making with no help from the one man who promised me that he would "never ever hurt you like that". It had also come to my attention that while much of my current health situation was the direct result of my own stupidity and stubbornness, there was an equal amount of daily stress that helped to break down my already weakened system and now that I was unable to walk, was prone to falling, my legs were ugly as hell because of the slow healing dog and/or cat scratches and severe lymphodema, basically when I needed him the most he bailed for a newer more alive model and had done so with no regard to his wife and children. He was doing this as payback for all the times he felt that I was being a controlling and nagging bitch ( his words, not mine) because he was tired of living "under" my thumb. But he was ignorant to the fact that his so called desire for freedom and lack of cooperation/participation had resulted in the very thing he was afraid of: he left me in charge of the entire divorce (even though when asked to participate he refused and later complained about it)!

I tell you all this not for sympathy but for you to understand a little of why I've been inactive in blogging and visits to Twitter. I'm hoping that when this is all done (filing and then the final decree) that I will be ready to once again engage (this time in the positive manner in which you've all been accustomed to) in life. Please bare with me and know that your continued support and understanding is greatly appreciated. I get the sense that somehow I am supposed to complete this leg of the journey with the hope that I come out "on top" and with super human strength but also that it must be done, as with most BIG journey's alone. Until we meet again..... xoxox