What makes the Hottentot so hot?

When I think of the word COURAGE I think of my best friend Bill Curby. We met in 6th grade and took acting classes through the 11th grade. In one of the plays we did together, our drama teacher revamped the Wizard of Oz and adapted it to the tiny stage of Santa Rita High School. He played the cowardly lion and I played the wicked witch. I appeared on stage, delivered my lines and then drove off on my electric broom. His rendition of the cowardly lion was spot on and to this day I can't watch the movie without thinking of Bill.


Back in January when my life as I knew it crashed around my ankles I remember hearing my Mom say how brave I was and how courageous I was. I used to think that she was going through the motions...trying to make soup out of stones. How much "bravery" did I have that I struggled for several months with thoughts of suicide? How much "courage" did I have that all I wanted to do was hide under the covers of my lonely bed and wait for the mess to fix itself. Courage????? Riiiiiiight! My basic attitude was that she was trying to help so humor her. I felt a little like someone you ask for help from and all the offer is prayer. Sound familiar?  How can anyone actually help us if they've never walked in our shoes? How can they believe the very best outcome when all around them and you is chaos?


I continued to struggle with the why's and what if's of my situation. I worked diligently at trying to kill myself, for me it was the only answer. The only way to end the pain and confusion I felt. I obviously was unsuccessful. When I realized that God was going to keep me alive no matter how hard I tried, I started the uphill climb. I slowly began to realize that I had so much more life to live, death was in fact end pain and suffering but it would ultimately end my chances to see my son's grow, marry and "spawn"...I would miss the chance to see my grandchildren. I started then on this incredible journey. I read and still read as much as I can get my hands on to learn something about who I really am. I read things about why men cheat and what they feel like when they feel the need to cheat. I started watching any thing  and everything Iyanla VanZandt. I dived in with both feet into meditation, yoga, spiritualism. And therein lies the courage part. It takes courage for anyone of us to walk this earth, to wake up and move forward rather than cower under the covers. It takes courage to speak the truth, to admit your weaknesses, courage to look at your scars, courage to admit when you're wrong and courage to begin all over again. It also takes a certain amount of bravery to continue moving through your journey even when you've looked into the face of darkness and despair.

I still have much more work to do....as I've said before I don't think we ever stop learning until we die and then we graduate to the next level of learning. But I have accepted that my Mom was right. I was and am quite brave. I do in fact have courage. It's not been easy learning who I am meant to be not who I think I "should" be.  It's not been easy to accept my faults and foibles but it takes courage to keep learning, facing fears, overcoming obstacles. Everything micro thought has a potential to create harm and knowledge and I have had the courage to review those thoughts in detail, to find the lesson, to see the good. Every emotion good or bad is a chance to learn, to recreate. I see now that all my depression, the divorce, and other troubles paved the road for me to get here. I can accept now that everything does in fact happen for a reason and every time I had to face a new challenge, whether successful or not, every time I I failed but never quit, every time I endured the pain of childhood, the failures of young adulthood and motherhood, it only prepared me for right now and what I do right now prepares for tomorrow and tomorrow. And as the Lion said:



"What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? Courage!"