Letting Go

Those two simple words pack quite a punch. We hear it recited as a chant by friends who, with nothing left to offer, say "just let it go" when we are faced with a perceived  trouble. I have uttered these words myself both to myself and to others. From personal experience I can say letting go is easier said than done. It is easier to let it go when the trouble isn't yours to face. For me, letting go has meant letting go of the control I think I have over any situation. The phrase "Let go and let God" is a particularly difficult one to fathom since there is the letting go of control but also a trusting in an unseen.  How does one trust that an unseen force actually has control over anything in one's life. This is especially hard when in the midst of constant or increasing trouble. At times like that, it seems that clearly no one has control!

I had such moments every day for months when my marriage began to crack under the decay of neglect. I was raised in the Southern Baptist faith and so I did try in earnest to let go and let God. Being human however I put limits and time lines and deadlines on everything and when it didn't go according to plan, when deadlines came and went, when things got worse and worse I decided that God was not in control--he had put me and my life on hold and then forgot about me. As many of you already know I tried to end my life 4-5 consecutive times increasing the dosage of pills each time. Much to my shock and dismay I never left the emotional and physical pain. On the last attempt, after swallowing 19 prescription pills that should have at least put me in a coma but instead, I woke up the next morning, I gave up trying to die. But not without some rather harsh words aimed at God. How could he, after all, be watching me suffer as much as I was and just stand there and do nothing?! Why the hell did he keep sending me back when I just wanted out of the pain permanently? Not cool God! Not cool at all, but, since you have my attention, what and where do I go from here?  I am certain I am not the only one who has ever gotten to this point. There just comes a point in one's life where you realize you hadn't had control and never did. You realize that what you'd been doing wasn't working and miraculously you'd been given a second chance....a do over.

My do over was when I decided to clean my body and mind through detox, take myself off all my prescription medications and learn as much as I could about how exactly to "let go". You might be surprised to know there are a number of books to teach you just that. Great thinkers like Eckart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, The Dahli Lama and Neville to name a small few. It was their books that I dove into feet first. It was in those books I learned the meaning of the egoic mind, the pain body, the I AM, and of course letting go. How comforting it was to know that I truly wasn't alone...someone else had gone through the very same or similar things and come back from the muck and grime--had lived to tell about it. I also find it very comforting to see that they all think the same basic way. For me, there is nothing more confusing and frustrating then to read one book only to pick up another that goes in the polar opposite direction or is in a great and vast contradiction to the one I had just read. Their words didn't seem or feel alien to me in any way and I found thousands of "aha!" moments on every page. These people are the living, breathing embodiment of the phrase I heard Angela Mayou say: "When you know teach. When you have Give" .

So here is what I know....for sure: 

Letting go is hard, but worth the effort. Letting go is a must for continued survival both for every individual and for the planet as a whole. Letting go, for me, falls under the concept of doing more by doing less. Granted, at first letting go is H-A-R-D. It almost feels like how many of us felt on 9/11 when we looked into each others eyes and asked how could God let this happen? How can I forgive the terrorist and wish him peace in heaven? How could God let a terrorist into heaven? Nothing about letting go seems conducive to survival. I struggled for weeks with the idea that letting go meant I had to forgive my Ex for everything he ever said or did to me, all the pain he caused me and my son's, this family. I was not ready to forgive, in fact I had some revenge to exact. I spent countless hours plotting and planning how I was going to make him hurt as much as he'd hurt me and I was going to take her down with him! To be perfectly honest I did carry out a few minor plans...to hell with the consequences! But I soon discovered that, ever present even though HE is unseen, he allowed me to carry out the plans but didn't let the plans hit their mark. Sort of like like exploding a failed rocket above the ocean to avoid devastation and fatalities should the rocket explode over say a school. At first I was pissed, no sugar coating that one. So I attempted to ramp up my efforts. A peculiar thing started to happen. The increasingly devious plots and plans started not feeling right and I was catching myself feeling so evil (rather than feeling blind to it all). I started to realize that these feelings were all a part of my ego striving to protect its own survival. You see when you no longer listen to the incessant negative thoughts in your head and choose to accept only the positive ones, your ego go into survival mode. Think of it like this: when you start a fast or a new diet, your body immediately starts to store fat as a way of keeping the host alive. Starvation is a threat but can be avoided or at least prolonged if there is enough fat to use as energy. This is one of the reason diets don't work. So when the egoic mind perceives the threat, in this case loss of control, it will do anything to stay alive. It does this by fueling the fire of rejection, abandonment, fear, anger, isolation and all nicely done through emotions. But what I learned is that emotions are simply memories. Memories of how you felt during a certain event(s) in your life that the ego stored as "real" and "reality". The good news, although hard to imagine, is that it is not real and it is not reality! Those memories are the things, the tools the ego uses to create the definition of "self". I am sad, I am depressed, I am fat, I am unworthy I am unloved, I am ___________(fill in the blank).

When I first read the words "the space between the thoughts is the real you" the little hamster racing furiously inside the little wheel suddenly stopped and the wheel just hung there squeaking to a rusty stop. What space? Where is this space? Since when is there a physical space between me, my thought and "me"? Through meditation I learned just where that space is and how easy it is to access it. The easiest way I have found is to remind myself that the thoughts , especially those I don't want to entertain at the moment, are just playing on a large screen and I am watching a movie not reliving them. That snippet of space, even if it lasts for a second is the "space" spoken of by Eckart Tolle and Deepak Chopra. It is a tangible area that exists between the you that the world sees and the you that God created....this is often referred to as your "higher self" and it is that space where letting go happens! Its in that space where you begin to realize that someone greater than you does in fact "have your back" . Where you realize that you really are in control and the best course of action is nothing. Less really is more. It's where you begin to understand that everyone who enters into and out of our lives, is there or was there for a purpose, a purpose greater than you. They were there to teach you something and letting go comes when you thank them for the gift they gave you. I know, I know....how on earth is verbal abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, etc. and the pain that comes with it, a "gift"??!!?!  Again, here is what I know: you learned your strength, you purpose, your inner fire, your lesson, your desire, your passion, your love of self and others..... "that which does not kill me only strengthens me". I also learned that it takes less energy to let go than it does to remain energetic in keeping a tight grip on the pain, the emotion, the sadness, the depression, the hurt. When I realized that my Ex said and did the hurtful things because he was coming from a place of pure ego and pain body, it made it easier to feel compassion towards him. It meant he was no longer the monster I made him out to be and more like me. Someone just trying to make it in this world and having very little tools to work with other than those of the tricky egoic mind. Perhaps this is the truest form of "Satan"? He and I, acted and reacted from an  unawareness, from our pain bodies.  You can't hurt me, I'll hurt you first  Hurt or be hurt, and win at all costs.  Sound familiar? Putting space between you, your thoughts and "you" doesn't mean they are permanently gone. Contrary to popular demand they just get placed in a mental rolodex. This rolodex spins every day and all day long and if you don't deal with the thoughts, the emotions that cause you (and others ) pain, the rolodex spits out the card that forces you to handle it. Avoidance is never the answer...I know because I have tried unsuccessfully! The saving grace in all this is that when you look at the index card from a place of love, peace, compassion and deeper understanding, you can finally release the emotions that block your higher self like dirt clogs a pore. Only when I could forgive myself for being stubborn and unloving towards he and I, could I totally and completely LET GO of that particular emotion and move smoothly and loving on to the next emotion when it comes up. 

I am not by any means assuming I am completely done and am now a great teacher or expert. I am not perfect and I still have a ton more to learn. As a very dear friend said to me, "it's a daily process."  Hell it's a second by second process! It's raw emotion. It's facing pain head on. It's turning the other cheek. It's releasing the stresses of pretending to be in control and knowing that I don't have to any more. A lot like when Bruce realized he couldn't be God in Bruce Almighty.  One day I heard my voice ( which was God talking to me) say: "it's time to let me do this. You've done well but now it's time to rest. I've got your back on this Naomi. I know what needs to be done and what needs to be done is already being done. Sit back, relax, have some tea and watch what I do....just let me do it!"  I don't know about you guys, but sometimes the daily battle of living makes me tired. How refreshing it is to let someone, actually more qualified than me, take over and actually give me permission to take (paid) time off  ! 

Not really hard at all when you stop to think about it.

It's the little things.....

I've been doing a lot of healing and self discovery as of late....more than in recent months. It's funny how a thing like a divorce can plunge you, almost simultaneously into the pits of despair and the heights of heaven. The more I learn about life, karma, happiness, myself...the more I am absolutely aware, eyes wide open, that my divorce was a critical step towards getting me back onto the path I agreed to before I was born. Imagine that? The path we agreed to before we were born?! Sounds a bit like I just took you into a late night episode of The Twilight Zone?!


As many of you know I very recently discovered that the woman my ex husband cheated on me with, was still in his life as recently as April and May when he and I were still married. Not only had he continued to lie to me but he ended up re-gifting her a ring he had once given me. As you can imagine, and with good reason, I was thunderstruck...I can't say which hurt more: the lies, the truth or my ring now belonging to "the other woman" and needless to say I was carrying a heavy new burden from that realization. At first glance I rolled with the punch, I rationalized that he was no longer my problem, that karma would kick his ass from here to next year, that I was still standing. Slowly however I started to entertain more dark thoughts and familiar feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and utter emotional pain. I had, or so I thought, gotten to a place in my mind where I could begin to look at that whole situation as detached from it it...it simply didn't matter any more, what was done was done.So when I found myself visiting her FaceBook page and learning her maiden name and birth date to "track her down" I knew I had not been as successful as I had thought. Long story short I found out quite a bit about her and admittedly hold on to this information "just in case"....hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! In that process I struggled again to work through and let go of the feelings I was having: they both made a conscious decision to keep seeing each other despite the fact the the preliminary divorce expressly forbid it, they both made the decision to see each other despite the fact that his (then) wife was at home doing all the hard work (yet again) towards the ultimate goal of a divorce. They both made the decision to throw caution to the wind and toss discretion out the window knowing that there was a family at the other end of those decisions being torn apart. I'm sorry but there is no pussy or dick that is that good (sorry Dad...I know you're reading this)! I felt such a deep sense of betrayal, how could anyone with so much to lose make such poor choices? What woman and a nurse practitioner to boot, who knew the man she was sleeping with had a wife and 2 kids at home, the wife is in a wheel chair, the wife had told them both she was suicidal...what woman would continue to flirt with danger? I felt abandoned AGAIN.


In my daily lessons, I have learned that when a problem keeps appearing, it usually means that there is still more to learn from it. It's not over till the fat lady sings and she hadn't sung yet.....now I am just plain pissed off. I wanted to be done with it once and for all! I didn't like feeling this way...left out, alone, used, betrayed, lonely, hurt and even desperate. I tried forgiving them both but that hadn't seemed to work because here I was facing that same old tightness in my chest, the tooth grinding, the ball of un-cried tears in my throat and the endless distraction of unhappy thoughts. I begged God to just let me be done with it already! I was tired of taking several steps forward only to be yanked back into "reality"....I know you know what I mean. We all feel this way from time to time. I'm willing to bet the old saying  "just when things were going so good..." came about from such feelings.
I knew I had to face head on the real feelings that were under the surface. Fear always masks anger and yes I was ANGRY. I spent 20 years trying to make our house into a home, to make him see that he was my beloved husband, that I loved him, that I would always be there for him. I never got so much as a nod of approval from him but DID get a lot of complaints and countless arguments. So yeah, I was angry. But I was also angry, as I found out, at myself for thinking that things between he and I could be "different" and for allowing myself to believe in a dream that I could never have but only because it was never MY dream and at my parents and especially my dad. I was angry that they both appeared to leave me to my own devices as a child. They had their own problems and sometimes I got shoved into a corner.....at least that's how my ego interpreted any negative and highly emotional event. My dad had abandoned me when he married my mom, my dad had forsaken me when he began wearing glasses, my dad had disappointed me when I caught him crying, my dad and abandoned me when my parents got divorced and when I wasn't "daddy's lil'girl" my dad had betrayed me.


Now of course, my father had married my mother long before I became an idea. My father needed glasses, my father cried because he was hurt and was acting as any human emotionally hurt would, my father (and mother) were not ready for the challenges of parenthood by the time I came around and, I suspect that they had begun to accept that sinking feeling that they shouldn't have been married to begin with, so I could never be his little girl; he simply did not have the capacity, in my mind, to be that kind of father at that time in our lives and he never abandoned me but rather his go nowhere broken marriage. I know these things NOW. I understand these things NOW. I "get" the whole parenthood challenge NOW...how it feels to be thrust into parenthood before you ever had a chance to figure out the being married part. I think I was lucky as an adult to have been the oldest because I helped look after my brothers, helped to raise my BFF's daughter...these things helped prepare me for motherhood, even though it's like trying to compare apples to oranges.

 My reason for bringing this up is that my silly ego, the part of our brains' that are responsible for making sense out of the senseless, decided that that those series of "sad" events were confirmation to the random thought that I was unimportant, that I did not matter and anything good would be taken away. My 5 and 6 year old ego set out at making this "confirmation" into a life long marble carving so that every action and reaction I made and had in my later years would further confirm I wasn't worth it. So when Walter threw me into the arena of ULTIMATE BETRAYAL I was unable to forgive and forget because I had not yet worked through the inappropriate feelings and emotions from childhood. Yes, I had a tricky childhood....we ALL do and in my opinion those folks who taut how wonderful their childhood was are liars or were never really a part of their own fantasy. None of us is ever truly born into the perfect family, into the arms of the perfect parents, right?  And as I am learning parents do the best they can with the tools and skills they thought they had. My parents made mistakes....of this we can all agree, but they loved me beyond all measure and despite their shortcomings, mistakes, and sometimes out right failures, I turned out pretty damned good. I wouldn't trade anything that was my childhood for all the money in this world.  So.....what's the cookie?


 When life offers us pure bliss, even when it is fleeting, we miss the monumental importance of that bliss if we expect bad to follow. We can't help but think that because it is a conditioned response. Bliss is Spirit's way of reminding us that life isn't as bad as we imagine that it is, definitely not as serious as we feel like it is and that the moments of bliss are celebrations that we aced the test. I am finally DONE with Walter and Angela. Spirit told me it was time to rest, he's got my back and everything is in lock down. I've done a great job all this time and now it's time to let Spirit put the decisions they made into action. Karma is real...it's the whole cause and effect thing that makes this world, your world, my world move effortlessly from lesson to lesson. I no longer need to feel the tightness in my chest and the old inadequate and inappropriate feelings of abandonment because I don't need to catch Walter in a lie. I don't need to protect myself or my children from his shenanigans.  Someone else, SPIRIT ( or God, the Universe, etc) will handle it for me....my job is done and my next task is to continue to move forward and continue to blossom into the amazing person that I have been all along and just forgot. This is true of every one of us.....we were in fact born at the perfect time, into the perfect family and to perfect parents. How so? Look at who you are right now?
      Pretty amazing....you temporarily forgot.  Everything you've done or said got you to where you are right now. If you read this and have an aha moment, then you're even closer to knowing your divine purpose. Always remember and never forget that you are what sages throughout history have referred to as the co-creator of your world.  You and I were destined for greatness and the free will Spirit gave us is nothing more than a decision we made or will make that will ultimately (and ALWAYS) get us to the predestined greatness.