And it's GOOOOOOOOD!

This morning during meditation I was plagued with thoughts of football.....I like football even of I don't entirely "get" the game. Anyone who knows me knows my thick or thin team is the Denver Broncos. I was born in Denver and so this is my "home team".  This season they are doing very well; 4-0 and the game they played yesterday against Philedelphia was amazing! #Soproud

I digress......I realized during my meditation that life is actually like a game of football. This analogy can be applied to any sport really, but for me and the purposes of this post we'll use NFL football.


In football you have the Quaterback, linemen, running backs, full backs, half backs, and guards.  There are things that happen during the game such as QB sneaks, tackles, sacks, injuries, fumbles, interceptions, huddles, and of course field goals and touchdowns. Every team has a coach. The coach's job is to motivate, uplift, discipline, and provide a different perspective or view of the game. The object if the game is for each team, through a series of plays (strategies) to advance the ball from one side of the field to the next and make touchdowns. The winner is the team with the most touchdowns. The teams are playing either defense or offense. During the game there will be time outs, flags which are actually challenges regarding a certain play, the conduct of the various players or broken rules...sometimes challenging the rules themselves. Life is exactly just like the game of football. The game itself is your daily life. The QB is you, the coach is God ( or whatever form that works for you), the people assigned to protect you (left guard/right guard) are Angels, the team (and die hard fans) are comprised of the people in your life (parents, teachers, children, family, friends, etc.) The huddle is prayer/meditation. The obstacles (opposing team players) are your experiences ( the bills, the self imposed restrictions or lackings, the job, the boss, the spouse, the teenager, etc.) The touchdowns and field goals are the miracles. As the QB you have the responsibility of aligning the team (you and your life) into the perfect position that guarantees a touchdown (miracle). During the game (life) you fumble, over throw, throw in the wrong direction, get sacked, suffer the loss or injury of a player, and sometimes your throw is intercepted, but ultimately, as you reevaluate the team, the strengths and weaknesses of ALL the players on the filed, and game itself,  you realign the team (you and your life) for still another victory (touchdown/miracle). You refer to the coach (God) when things don't work or need to work differently, who tells you either keep doing what you are doing or try this new play or sometimes has to remove a player from the field even if that player is you. When you're not playing, you're training and preparing for "game day".

Sometimes, the members of your team have different ideas how the game should be played ( kick him to the curb, get rid of the cat, do this or that) which might be wise ideas but not necessarily appropriate for that particular game. It's the job or the QB (you) and the coach (God) to pick and chose what idea will ultimately align the entire team (you and your life) in the perfect position for a touchdown (Miracle). It's up to the QB (you) to remember that sometimes those ideas are based on the fear, lack of trust, anger, confusion...FEAR of the other members (which can sometimes be reflections of your own inner dialogue), and to stay the course, to not get boggled down with plays that don't work and that's where the coach (God) and the huddle (prayer/meditation) become crucial to the success of the team (you and your life).  Once the 11 on-field team members are able to trust the wisdom of the QB and/or the coach, the entire team begins to work in sync with each other and ultimately aligns itself for the goal! It's important to note that in life the miracles or touchdowns/victories are always there.....they don't really suddenly appear. What actually ends up happening is that you, as the QB just SEE the game differently.  When this happens, you begin to align with your true nature which is aligned with God (or whatever form works best for you) and you begin to expect miracles. Once you begin to expect them they start showing themselves to you. They didn't just happen, the were always there waiting, on the sidelines, to present themselves to you. Like the QB, you and I are co-creators of the game. The universe (team players) awaits our instructions, the coach (God) is on the sideline ready to help you at any moment, to cheer you on and celebrate the victories as well as the losses and to make sure you are ready for "game day"....every day!

Again this could be applied to any sport---the point is that very few things in life are not just like that, really. Hopefully this analogy will better assist you, as it did me this morning, in just how to play and win the game and to find comfort in the fact that there is no right or wrong-- just variations of. You will always have to be flexible or awake and aware. No one would ever win a game of football if the QB was asleep or not paying attention and if there was no room for variations of the same play and I think the game itself would be rather boring!

~Namaste

Out of 1440.986301...just 10

Like the person sitting on death row and "finding" God, I have shared the mystery of and the benefits of meditation. I'm wiling to bet that some of the people I've shared this knowledge with have inwardly rolled their eyes and said a silent "whatever" as I prattled on about this really unique, personal and simple thing that I learned to do.....c'mon now, you know you did....and guess what? It's OKAY! I get it. It's kind of out there. Meditation is what people like Swami's and yogi's and, sometimes, charlatans do. There is also the whole idea of attaining absolute peace and quiet inside of yourself which is pretty hard to do when traffic roars by your bedroom window or the kiddos are fighting on the other side of the closed door. Not to mention the million and one thoughts that traipse through your head as you are trying to be "still". They never seem to even slow down...almost like they were waiting for just this moment to surface.  I get it.



Meditation is important to your very survival. Our bodies were not meant to live in a 24/7 world. We were not meant to live in a society where Casino's with no windows and O2 was being pumped in, 24 hour television was readily accessible, where work came home with us, where children and adults alike took no time for play. But since we do in fact live in a society like this, our bodies have adapted and subsequently we end up with 70% of our population being "morbidly obese" and I am one of those 70%! So....wait, how does obesity fit into why I should meditate, you ask? It is a well known fact that when the human body is subjected to 24/7 stress we tend to have dinner from a drive thru, face plant into a bowl of macaroni and cheese, eat our way through the entire half gallon of Chunky Monkey as a way of alleviating ourselves from the stress. Not only does this add pounds but it also produces stress hormones that end up packing on the belly fat. You can not have see an episode of Dr. Oz without him telling us how dangerous it is to carry that particular type of fat. The simple truth is that our bodies were not designed for the 24/7 lifestyle we now live. We were meant to hunt and gather and rest and play. Our bodies were meant to be lean and healthy. Instead, we have a sluggish economy, sluggish citizens, two year old's undergoing gastric bypass, and we're tired and grumpy and always sick with something. It's not good enough that we're killing ourselves with this lifestyle, now we introduce this lifestyle to so called third world countries thinking that our way is better than their way, their ancient always works way and the result often seems to be that we turn on each other and start killing each other for what basically turns out to be a giant cluster fuck of a temper tantrum.


Okay, I'll stop you right here....I know what you're saying; how dare I, weighing as much as I do, complain about current affairs and obesity, right???? Because there comes a point in every one's life where you realize what you've done to yourself and how best to get out of the situation, how to recover and bounce back from years of personal neglect. I feel strongly that if I change only ONE person by sharing my insight, even as I go through the journey, then I make the goal even more rewarding. Think of it as me saying "learn from my mistakes" and what loving parent has never said that one?!

I digress.....people today are bombarded with all manner of noise and distraction. All types of indulgences ranging from food, to gambling, to alcohol. It seems, to me, that we view stress and being stressed, as a sign or badge, if you will, of living the great American Dream. I'm sorry, I can no longer subscribe to the idea that in order to be seen as a valuable and contributing member of society I must  be stressed, gray haired, sick, overworked, underpaid, angry and frustrated. Who will contribute to me or my children when all those things result in my disability or even death?

We are hard wired for and have needed the flight or fight hormones to keep us from being T-Rex's dinner....the response is still a necessary part of our  wiring, but, and I think it's been more since 9/11, we have crossed some wires somewhere and the switch is permanently in the  "On" position.  Meditation is the vice that brings us back to our natural way of being. I know this for a fact because I do it and I know I suffer greatly when I get lazy and miss a day or two of it. For me, it has offered a time for me to regain sanity and clarity. My Ex husband, noticing how peaceful I was said "it's not like I have time to do it, Nay. I have to work for a living"---- although he was ushering one of his age old excuses to verify his victim hood, I'm sure he spoke for a few other people who legitimately  feel the same way. How does a busy mother find time to meditate when she is already pulled in 20 different directions?  How does the busy corporate climber find time to relax when his/her boss expects stellar performances and is 'on call' ? How does the bread winner father who works all day and then comes home to a mile long 'honey do' list find the time? How does anyone for that matter find any time to sit in utter quiet and "relax"?  My answer is this: just do it.

You do not need any special place or time to do meditation, although that does help. You can meditate while vacuuming the living room carpet or folding the laundry or (yes Mom) quilting. The point is that you allow your mind the opportunity to not have to think about anything. I liken it to the idea of downloading a new program to my computer. When my mind is quiet I can begin to receive valuable and important information that I might otherwise miss if I am too busy.  I make a special point of doing meditation throughout my day but especially first thing after getting up and I don't kid myself that I can do it still in bed...I almost always fall asleep. I move into the living room and sit in the big comfy chair. I hook myself up to headphones and take 10 minutes just to "think" about nothing and sip my cup of tea. When I find thoughts starting to creep their way back into my head space, and they do, I remind myself that I am only watching them as I would a movie and I am not actively living or reliving those thoughts. I create a space between the space. I also do deep breathing to expand my lungs and energize my mind and body. After the initial 10 minutes I then meditate with intent.....some call it praying. This is where I plug into my divine spirit and that of God and list the things I am grateful for, the people I want blessed today, the troubles I might still be having....I have "conversations with God" . When you stop to think about it, really, that's all meditation really is. Talking to God as you might talk to one of your children or a friend. Just showing up for your day. Letting Him download his daily inspirations and wisdoms, the plans for the rest of the day, the recipe cards for what to do, when and with who. This is the time when I ask for guidance, forgiveness, and for strength. Isn't that what we do when we pray?

The difference between prayer and meditation (if any) is that, as far as I can tell, prayer is often done as the result of a crisis or before each meal....meditation is done all the time even when you're not actually doing it! When I first started, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about this person, memories of what failures I did yesterday or disasters from middle school, guilt trips of how I could have been a better friend, daughter, mother, sister, wife....HUMAN BEING. I got frustrated and stopped trying. Once I realized (through reading and continued efforts) that I can't actually stop the flow of thoughts but can place them in a temporary file for later review, meditation/prayer became easier and more fulfilling. The results of meditation have been better sleep, 99.89% less stress ( cause you just can't escape stress 100%), a better relationship with my son's, a more peaceful atmosphere in my home, a truer sense of happiness that I didn't even know was possible, ending the need for medication for high blood pressure and depression, a better relationship with my animals and an over all general sense of well being. My hair, although still considerably grey has actually started to turn more black than grey.  I don't find the need to fill my body with useless things like donuts (although I still allow myself them) and empty carbs. When I am not stressed I am better able to listen to my body as a whole; what it needs to heal, what it needs for food/fuel, what it needs to survive and to live in harmony. Yeah, it does sound a lot like something a peace- loving- tree- hugging- hippie might say, but I think they had the right idea just not at the right time.


Meditation is free. It is your right. It is quite simply "chicken soup" for your whole body,mind and spirit. The best way to experience it is to just start.Listen, I am no expert. I've not written any book on the how to's and why's. I'm just some chick who went through hell being married, nearly died to prove it, tried meditation as a last ditched effort and discovered it worked damned well.

There are one of  two things that will happen when you try it: either it works or it doesn't. The very worst case scenario is you "wasted" 10 minutes of your life OR the very best case scenario is you grasped for and achieved a "time out" and can face the rest of your day and it's drama's and trauma's centered and focused and even relaxed. Frankly my friends, that is what this planet needs the most. Peace loving tree hugging hippies! Only when we can stop the internal chatter and static, will we be able to serve the rest of mankind because, as I have learned, our true and genuine purpose is to serve all of mankind. When we help others, we help ourselves....it's just that simple. I doubt that I will ever stop talking about meditation, at least on a long term basis. My hope it writing this particular blog post is that someone who maybe has been thinking about it but wasn't sure, will give it a try. We are all connected! We are the various wires of a massive super computer, that being Divine Spirit. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. If we are all "too busy" to stop even for 10 minutes, then our mind, body spirit will just crash and we'll soon see the "blue screen of death".  Make a point to use that first cup of coffee or the bubble bath at night as the routine in which you incorporate meditation. I know, for sure, that you will in fact benefit from it, you will, in fact see miracles happening in your life, you will in fact, feel better, you will in fact BE better and all form 10 measly minutes out of  1440.986301 minutes in your day!

Carry on...........

A letter to myself

I've been reading "A Course In Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. A large complex book that addresses the real reasons, on a spiritual level, why a person ( in this case me) is unable to lose weight permanently. I bought this book for my kindle along with "A Course In Miracles" by Helen Schucman and have been gaining such insight and discovering who I was meant to be, who the Divine Spirit is and how to initiate a beautiful relationship with Spirit and, as it pertains to food and weight, with myself. Today's lesson was to reopen the lines of communication with my "thin self" and my "not-thing self" through means of a letter. The following is the letter I wrote to my "not-thin self" followed with a reply from this self. I am sharing this letter for no other reason then I know in my heart and soul I am not the only person (male or female) that has similar conversations with themselves. You might not be an over eater but you could be obsessed with the idea of food, you might be that over eater, like me, and afraid to admit it to yourself (again like me) that this problem is larger than you and that everything you've done to this point isn't working.  When I first saw those words in the book I about to close the book and ask for a refund. How dare this skinny woman who sits there in her fancy house writing fancy books tell me that I have to embrace the idea that I have to let go of the idea that I can't do this alone, that I failed to this point, that my relationship to food is out of control and therefore the problem is, literally, bigger than me! But when I decided to reread that paragraph and look from a soft heart and with soft eyes. Once I did I realized that, damnit, she's right. Everything I have done thus far hasn't worked at least on a permanent basis. I've done a good job at trying but I have forgotten the one thing that I could have used....the one sure fire ace up my sleeve that guarantees permanent success: God, the Divine Spirit, Spirit, Holy Mind, The Universe or whatever label works for you. The point was, and is, that through all things GOD or as Marianne Williamson says " I can't but God can!" If you are struggling with your weight and/or self image, if you struggle daily with self sabotage I encourage you to read A Course In Weight Loss. Since we all connected by the ethereal strands to bind us we are in "this" together. Time zones, longitude, latitude even space itself cannot separate us. I recently finally understood just how profound those words are. Nothing.....NOTHING separates us from each other. What thoughts I have today even if they are about myself, with ripple along the spider web of space and time affecting everyone else along the way. That thought you had affected the rest of us and so on. At first it might feel like a lot of unnecessary responsibility knowing just how tightly bonded we all are to each other, but it's actually a relief to know we are truly never alone. Yes there is the responsibility but the good news is it takes one person to become aware to spark the fire of someone else's awareness. One by one the web of connection---the real "world wide web" will manifest the kind of people that, working together with each other and God, that is necessary for global change. Worst case scenario is that you learned something powerful about yourself, you became a better human being and, unless you actually enjoy being a miserable, old-too-soon, son of a biscuit- how bad can it really be feeling a deep never ending love and joy ?

Dear Telletub-o-lard:

You drive me effing nuts when you can't say no to a doughnut once in a while and that every time I get things under control, you swoop in and mess stuff up! You always gotta throw a monkey wrench in things, especially when I've worked so hard to fix the last mess you made! I really wish you would just leave once and for all! You cost me my marriage, my husband. You helped put our body into a wheelchair and are an embarrassment to your children, family and friends. I wish you could just say no to that 3rd slice of pizza, or eat 2 doughnuts instead of 4, I wish you didn't have chocolate cravings and, in order to satisfy them, you eat the whole bag of M&M'S. All I want to eat is fruits and vegetables and really cool and healthy things. Sometimes you want to but you don't and that really pisses me off! Don't you get it?! Our body craves the good stuff NOT the bad stuff and because you can't turn down a cookie or sweet roll and lie to yourself about how many scoops of ice cream you just ate, this body is forced to rebuild messed up kidneys, sit all day rather than be able to walk around the park and lift weights and use witch hazel to take a bath with and rely on others to help us get around.... not to mention listening to the doctors yell at us about our weight and our health!  I hate looking in the mirror and seeing your fat face looking back at me or seeing yet another wound on your leg. It's really really hard lugging these heavy-ass legs around. I hate the way they jiggle when we walk.
Walter left you, no big deal. He was never yours to begin with. He left because HE was weak, not you. He left you because HE was afraid not you. He left because he was selfish and greedy and petty and sought outside stimuli...that is about him and NOT you.  That being said, you came into my life when I thought I needed protection from the outside world. Protection from Mr. Molester, from people making fun of us, from a tarnished childhood. You did a great job at actually protecting us, but we are no longer that scared little girl. Holding on to the familiar, the excess weight, won't make Walter come back, won't make him suddenly realize how good he had it when he was married to us. It won't change the fact that parts of our childhood sucked...our parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time, period! It wasn't personal and still isn't. But even if it was personal, God will take care of it and US!  Hiding behind the weight and the food isn't working anymore. It's holding us back and keeping us out of the loop. You think you're weak but look at everything you've gone through so far:
You did get married AND
You did get divorced and lived to tell the story of both!
You gave birth to TWO fantastic young men who despite their current status adore you, fat and all.
You have outlived several of your best friends!
You even outlived your own attempts to kill yourself!
You have lived through the humility of abortions and the disappointments of miscarriages
When you had pneumonia and could have died, you said 'hell no!' and kicked its ass!
You kept us off the radar of Mr Molester....
You reversed our kidney disease........I could not have done any of these things without you and I am so very grateful to you for doing so much. But its time to let God handle the rest. It's time to get healed from head to toe and from heart to soul. You and I were not meant to be heavy in spirit and body. We weren't meant to carry this weight and to suffer this way and I for one am fed up with all the emotional pain and the seemingly endless physical pain. Can you just let go already and let God??!


Dear Friggin Twiggy:

You got a lot of nerve, you know it?! Quit trying to rush me! Sure it's taken 40 years but damn....everything good is worth weighting for, am I right?! You talk about "we" and "us" but from my perspective I've done ALL the hard work and you have gotten all the glory. Not cool and sure and shit not fair! I know it's hard to carry this weight---do you really think I like looking at my fat face and knowing it could be your skinny face instead. Kinda pisses ME off that it's not that skinny face and that, smart one, is why I eat like I do. It makes the pain of knowing I failed again a little easier to swallow, literally. Being 'skinny' mean making us open to rejection, deeper pain, emotional hurt. It means that we have to be willing to face the big scary outer world head on with no padding......chew on that one for a while cupcake!!!! I'm going as fast as I can...UGH, you are just so impatient! I like my comfort zone--it's safe. BUT I get what you're saying that life would be easier if there wasn't so much weight to carry around. All I have wanted was for you to like me, to listen to me. I mean I might have some pretty cool ideas once in a while but you're soooo busy telling me to shut the hell up! I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to thank me for everything I've done,to say thanks for all the times I kept us from feeling physical pain. Truth be told I thought I was doing a pretty good job at avoiding emotional pain but I see I wasn't as clever as I thought. And instead of you telling me it's okay, there was no such thing as failure, you just stuffed me further inside and deeper on the shelf. NOW that I have your attention, now that I know that you do love me, I find that I really am tired of working so hard. It's been hard work keeping us fat all these years! So thank you for realizing who and what I was and am. I am glad to let go and let God. I'm tired. Thank you for listening to me and thank you for letting me back into the light.