I'll have another

In-laws. Most of us have them but everyone knows about them. Mine will, and often do, strike fear in the heart of the strongest of man/woman/beast/child. I make it a personal mission to avoid my in-laws as often as possible. Call me a pussy but I believe she was put on this earth only to bust my balls at her every whim. I swear to you she has a giant roulette wheel in the dark recesses of her house that she spins to decide what living hell she will expose me to----I can almost hear the rapid tick tick tick of the wheel now! This woman knows no boundaries! She will stop at nothing to upset my apple cart, tie knots in my knickers, and generally instill ill will. Despite her best attempts, I remain married to her son, this past October, for 19 years. Oh you might want to hold your applause.... it's not been an easy journey even without her help!

Once in a while we are faced with forcible visitations. Last night, like a dead man walking, we were invited to dinner with his parents. How bad could it be, right? They're paying. Order the biggest, most expensive meal, right? Drink enough wine to deaden the pain and perhaps become blind and impervious to her icy pale blue eyed stare. If her eyes had rolled up and down any faster as she took in every detail of my being, they may very well have fallen out and rolled across the floor!

As with most Mexican restaurants, they leave a huge bowl of warm salty chips and an equally huge bowl of salsa. It’s outrageous salsa....perfect marriage of tomato, cilantro, onions and spices. Paired with the warm salty corn tortilla chips, it could very well be a dinner unto itself! There we sat in awkward babbling about taboo subjects such as politics and religion. I made sure that my mouth was chock full of chips and salsa in a weak attempt to avoid answering direct questions. During my chips and salsa coma I was unaware that some salsa had viciously thrown itself off the chip and landed precisely on the champagne colored silk blouse that......wait for it......she bought it the year before! Waitress, I'll have a double margarita pleeeeease! Dinner was slow to arrive.......is that the rapid tick tick tick of a roulette wheel I hear? Waitress, another double pleeeeease! The refried beans were too cold, the chili too spicy, “ I do believe they used lard, yes I think they did. I can feel it on my tongue”, “I'll have such digestion issued later”, Oooh, what did you get dear? Fried ice cream? Whoever thought of such tom foolery? I don't know how you can eat so much salsa dear, it's terribly bland! As it turns out, her favorite restaurant is TACO BELL so we spent the latter part of the evening listening to comparisons of the foods. Somewhere between the chips and the salsa and oh! WAITRESS, ANOTHER PLEEEEASE!