In Case of Emergency.....

Earlier this week I "tweeted" the observation that me and my family were " Techno Zombies". Several days this past week, I raised my head from my own game of Free Cell on my cellphone only to realize that the entire family was in the living room; Husband was watching videos on his cell phone, 14 year old was sitting on the couch with the laptop in his lap and watching "game play" , 18 year old was playing games on his cell phone in between texts. BOTH TV's were on; one of which was playing to an empty room.

Remember when TV went off at midnight and didn't come back on until 5 or 6 a.m.? Remember when cartoons were only on Saturday mornings? Remember when news was at 5p.m. and 10 p.m. and if you missed it you could read the newspaper? Remember actual newspapers? Newspaper boys who came to your house collecting this week's money? When phones had cords and were attached to walls? When the games kids played were cowboys and Indians, hide and seek, pinball, baseball, or hula hoop? Remember when the sprinkler in the front yard was the "water park" and hopefully someone had a slip-n-slide?

                                                      




Today kids have 24/7/365 cartoons, adults have access to world news on CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, CNBC, CNN,FoxNews.All but gone are the real "killed-a field-of-trees-to-make-this" newspapers...now you can "read" the newspaper on your desktop, laptop, Kindle, or IPad. Cell phones are now "smart". Today we text each other (sometimes from under the same roof). We use Emails instead of "snail mail" so successfully that we've bankrupted the postal service! You can send Emails from your smart phone--there's an "app for that". Wanna play solitaire? Texas Holdem? There's an app for that. Don't want to wait for next week's EP of Dexter? There's an app for that! Don't know how to tie a tie? There is even an app for that!


I suspect that the world will indeed come to an end. But it won't be a massive solar flare, Yellow Stone blowing it's top or California dropping into the ocean like Atlantis. The world when come to an end by means of a zombie apocalypse. There will be survivors, rest assured. These survivors will go forth in the post apocalyptic world and forge a new world. They will tell generations of a time when millions of people once roamed this earth. They will tuck their children in bed safely at night and remind them to be good for goodness sake lest they end up like the others. They will write novels about a culture of people was wiped from the face of the earth because they did not hear the danger schlepping to their fronts doors, didn't see the danger as it entered their homes----they will tell of people, like my family, who were eaten by the Zombies!

                                               

Don't quit your day job!

They say "Sex Sells"... this can be seen in nearly every commercial on TV from drain cleaners to Cadillac's and everything in between!


Ever actually LOOK at the profiles you follow specifically their profile pictures? Me either....except I did it just today and only because I was curious about the little yellow sign I saw being held.....curiosity got the better of me and, once there it was like trying NOT to look at the accident on the side of the road; you are drawn to look.

There I was, trapped, inside her pictures. Looking for the exit sign and not finding any!  Each picture worse than the last. Now before I go on I want to say that I am all for "flaunt it if you got it" but the flip side to that is something younger women these days don't seem to know about....being discreet. That being said.......

As your follower I really don't mind getting to know you. We've connected for a reason. I want to know about you in Kansas, you in Arizona, you in Colorado, even you in Australia.  I always enjoy seeing your kids, your cats, your dogs, hell even a turtle or two and the stories that come with those photos. I'd not be insulted if you didn't have a photo gallery.....sometimes pictures can be deceiving. But I DO NOT want to see you in tight bootie shorts pulled up into your crack, high heels and a shirt so tight that your boobs can't stay in! Nor do I relish the idea of seeing you in your bathroom using your mirror to take the photo with your phone. It seems that REAL men, albeit the older more civilized men, don't like looking at all that either. Makes you look cheap. Makes you look like you're an easy piece of ass. Can't tell you how many "failed twitpic" posts from my guy followers I've seen and some of them were really horrible!


Back in the day, we woman left something to the imagination. I'm only 51 so I'm not talking about the high collared, ruffled coverage from neck to toe of say my great grandmother's time. In the 60's women were just beginning to shed the bra's and chastity belt of yesteryear but we still left plenty to imagine. Not today...... today we are encouraged to bare all for the sake of followers.  I'd rather have a handful of real people as my followers than a million that use social media to pimp themselves out. Don't you know that if even ONE of them gets rapped, they will be crying injustice? Sometimes the stereotypical saying "she was dressed like a hooker" holds quite a bit of merit!

As I forced my bloodshot eyes to "look away!" I had an epiphany and had to chuckle. One day these very same women who throw their hefty thighs on the bathroom sink and strike a pose with a raggedy shower curtain as the background, the very same women who have the freedom to stay up all night drinking,doping and partying, the very same women who think those half naked photo's of themselves on the living room floor....one day they will have babies and become too tired to give a rats ass about the perfect hair, nails and makeup, one day their carefully placed cookie cutter tattoos with head south for the winter and that long stemmed rose will have a really loooooooooong stem, one day they'll long for the time when they could actually be in the bathroom, alone and in private without the kids running in and out. One day they'll notice that flap of arm skin that waves for them and the flap of skin directly under their chin. One day they will look in the mirror and see..............

                                                             



                             Welcome to the real world ladies!

Dogs vs Cats

In my neighborhood, there is a lady that faithfully walks her Corgie. For anyone who doesn't know what a Corgie is or what it looks like, imagine a wiener dog with a big head and lots of fur. She has one of those retractable leashes that she allows her dog to run to the maximum length and always in someones yard. Can't tell you how many times she's nearly had her dog eaten by other dogs! It got me thinking..........


                                                        

                                                             
I'd like to consider myself an animal lover but in truth I prefer cats over dogs every day till the cows come home. I worked in a pet clinic for four years and I got my fill of every type of dog and cat ( and creepy birds) imaginable. I also got to see 1st hand what lengths people will go to on behalf of their treasured fur kids. We pet owners tend to spare no expense! Below are some really stupid things pet owners will buy---

• "Bowser Beer": a non alcoholic low calorie beer for your dog. ( I guess this means "bowser" is always designated driver, right?)
• "Rear Gear": a flower shaped cardboard thingie that loops around the dogs tail and hangs over the asshole. ( Question: who's gonna hold that up when the dog needs to take a shit?)
• "Doggles": Yup, sunglasses for your pooch! (trying to get this contraption on your dogs head seems a little like trying to stick your hand in a basket of angry snakes without getting bit!)
• "Sexy Beast Perfume": $65 bottle of "unisex" scent for your special dog. ( for free you could wash your dog and then let it roll, wet, in the grass and dirt. Viola! Ode De Grass!)
• "Puppy Tweets": You guessed it--a device worn by your dog that translate his/her activity into 140 or less words.

It seems cat owners are just as shameless when it comes to their mousers.......

• "Purr Detector":  a collar worn by your cat that lights up when the cat purrs. ( Unless you are deaf, you will always hear a cat's purr. What they needed to invent is a purr collar that helps you decipher from a happy purr and a pissed pussy purr!)
• a "Croc Cat Bed": A Croc shaped bed, fully lined for comfort.  ( no words can describe the stoooopid of this one)
• "Backyard Cat": A pouch attached to your cats collar that supposedly keeps the cat off balance when trying to jump up and over a fence. (For the cat who has everything, a built in noose)
• "Litter Quitter": Toilet training kit for your cat ( I actually LIKE this idea! No more litter box? Sign me up!)

Is it any wonder that the estimated amount Americans spend on their pets this year is 53 BILLION!?

I leave you with this: what would happen to America's economy if we turned that 53 Billion we've spent on our pets an turned it, instead, into

• Creating more jobs
• Keeping our streets clean and safe
• More public housing 
• Better educational system for our children
• Better health care 
• Finding cures for Cancer, Alzheimer's, etc.
• Making it possible to eat fresh food without pesticides, hormones and other C R A P and without breaking the bank!
• Better care of our War Veterans
• Better and more shelters for the homeless 
• Programs that will get the homeless back on their feet, out of the shelter and into a self sustaining job
• Finding ways to harness natural energy thus reducing our global "foot print"

Truth be told I don't think our pets really give a shit if they're current with today's fashion trends or purr-fectly painted toenails. I suspect that they DO care about their most basic and carnal needs: What and when will I eat today and where will I sleep and still be safe.......... just sayin.

                                                  

Oh Brother!

How many times have you wished you had the balls to just pimp slap someone into next week? C'mon, you know you wish you could: that little old lady ahead of you in checkout talking about her dead husband while your milk soured and ice cream melted, the mother who ignored her screaming baby, the little girl sitting in front of you asking endless "WHY" questions--- maybe you've been the one to get slapped? There you are minding your own bees wax and blamo! You get whacked from behind and belly flop into ice cold water while onlookers cackled in hysteria. Don't be shy--- it happens to the best of us.

Case in point: Twitter. It went down for a while and no one knows what happened or why. I can tell you that it felt like being lost in a huge parking lot and not knowing where you parked the car. I think they call that PANIC and that's what it felt like, at least to me. Was it really upgrading? maintenance? someone forgot to pay the electric bill? What?! I do know for sure that from what little I could see, several thousands of people were highly pissed off, including myself. I mean how dare they just go offline without checking with us first!? Isn't there some time during the 24 hours that nearly everyone who uses Twitter is actually asleep? Couldn't they have dropped us all an email explaining what was going to happen or at least why is had happened?
Instead, we became lost souls wandering aimlessly like urban zombies staring at our smartphones in disbelief. Relationships crumbled, families were torn apart, countless pearls of knowledge and insight were lost in the winds of summer. There were moments of sheer terror as we realized Twitter, for whatever reason, was down and we had nothing left to do but participate in the real world. That sinking feeling every child feels when they realize summer vacation is over and school starts.... tomorrow. Weather reports went unreported, breaking news flashes left out to dry--mass anarchy ensued and we surely felt as if the zombie apocalypse was in fact upon us!


Now that Twitter has been fixed, or at least pretends to be fixed, life as we know it has been restored! Families can once again communicate with each other via Twitter from across their living room or kitchen table, relationships can continue to flourish! We can once again post pictures of our dinner, or cat or dog, our sleeping children. We can resume with the fart jokes, the girl thoughts, the boy thoughts. We can once again snuggle, satisfied, within our normal Twitter routines.

I leave you with this--- this is for you dear Twitter---next time I won't be so nice!

One lump or two

There are a million plus one reasons why coffee is actually good for you::

•  it lowers the risk of depression in woman
• it may lower the risk of Alzheimer's and dementia
• it may lower the risk of prostate cancer
• it could lower the risk of Parkinson and type 2 diabetes

The studies for the above list are rather compelling and coffee drinkers around the world have undoubtedly grinned satisfactorily at these studies. 

My late Grampa always said "how can anything that smells so good taste so bad?"  He said this as he dipped his spoon into my unflavored black coffee and, as I think back on it, he did that at every cup of coffee!  His idea of a great cup of coffee was Taster's Choice instant coffee.  Conversely my other (late) Grandparents drank fresh percolated which was then placed in a metal pot on the back of the stove and simmered until it was gone. As one can imagine that cup of coffee was the iconic and cliche thick stiff cup of coffee. The kind that would literally put hair on your chest, rip it off again and then grow it back. It took a brave soul to drink that coffee, I can tell you!

As many reasons there are to drink coffee, there are equal ways to prepare the liquid gold. 

• Percolated
• drip
• french press
• Turkish
• Vietnamese
• Siphon
• Espresso
• Instant
• Single Serve (K cups)
• Even "tea bag" type instant coffee

Making coffee is a science, really.There are filter choices that must be made such as paper or gold, basket or cone, bleached or organic. Then the water aspect: cold or hot, tap or filtered. Then we move on to the actual coffee itself: Kona, French, Dark, Bold, Country, Breakfast, Decaf, Half caf, Arabica, Ethiopian, Mexican, Brazilian, "Blonde", "Willow Blonde" Silk, Less acid, and any number of flavored coffees.

                                                            Really???

I am a coffee addict. I tried to give up coffee----once------there are no pictures of me during that time but if there had been it might have looked like: 

My coffee demands are simple: fresh brewed (never instant), freshly made ( never old or reheated) , HOT, the largest mug I own, a dollop of creamer and 1.5 tsp of real sugar. Do not talk to me before coffee, do not assume I have a sense of humor before coffee; I don't! If there is an emergency, please tell me after you've called 911 and after my first cup, do not assume I love you before coffee. Do not require me to think with any depth or clarity before coffee. If you "poke the sleeping bear" before coffee, I will throw my coffee cup at you; my aim is deadly accurate! I have also been known to remove limbs, fingers, ears, hair,your self esteem, and any sexual inclination--permanently! 

After coffee might look something like:

 

They say coffee is a drug..... if it keeps you from getting cancer,diabetes,dementia,depression and in extreme cases mauled by a coffee mug, then it's a great drug! I won't be quitting this drug any time soon.....you are safe!    

I was watching you

The other day as I sat in a nearby park, I watched you as you went about your daily life. I learned a lot about you in such a short span of time, but time as we know it is all relative.

There you were in all your glory. You bright happy face turned towards the sun, a gentle smile tugging softly at the corners of your mouth. You were as bright as the sun on that day and I couldn't help wonder what you might have been thinking about in that moment. You didn't know I was actually standing in the shadow of some old forgotten tree, but there I was admiring you.

I wondered if you knew just how much you make a difference in this world, especially on those days when you felt low, unloved, or left out. You still make each and every day count and by doing so you make a difference in every person you meet. That one person you gave a handful of change to, the other person you held the door open for. The little kid you saved the balloon for, the mother you rescued her child for. The smile you kept when that one person yelled at you and told you how worthless you were. I amazed at how deep inside you knew the truth:  "I am not worthless, I matter." Your resolve inspired me. Your grace uplifts me. Your happiness astounds me.

As you looked away from the drenching sunlight, your smile still tugging at the corners of your mouth, you eyes sparkling like the sunlight on water, I was in that instance so very grateful that I know you. You make a difference in my world and I thank you for that. I am honored to call you, my friend!



                                                          

A piece of my mind

We humans are a peculiar bunch.We've devised clever little says to describe what we're feeling or doing. Is it any wonder why kids have nightmares when they hear some of these? LOL


Piece of my mind

   


 Piece of my Heart


All tied up in knots



Butterflies in my Stomach




Hen Pecked



Dog Tired




Serial Killer

The Secret of You

Letter to My Sons

                                                   
There is a song that The Carpenters sang called Close to You. The chorus goes: "on the day you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true......"  On the day YOU were born, my dreams came true. I always wanted children. I always thought that since I had helped raise my brothers and did raise BJ that I knew how to be a good mother. Little did I know there was nothing similar to being a part time "sitter" and actually being a real and true Mom. I could always go back to being a teenager when my parents came home and at the end of the day BJ was not my kid so ultimately her mother had say. Being a Mom is a 24 hour a day eternal job.

I don't know how good I've been as your Mom but I do know I tried my best to be a great Mom. I know you know this feeling: when I grow up I'll never raise my children the way [mom/dad] did! Right? When I was little I got my mouth washed out with Ivory bar soap. I remember yelling at Gramma that I didn't love her any more, that I hated her and I remember her telling me she hated me too! Of course neither one of us had spoken the truth but I also recall crying myself to sleep that night and wishing, almost like a prayer, that if I ever had kids I would never ever treat them the same way. Funny thing is, when I am yelling at you I hear my mother's voice so I guess humans are destined to be like their parents in some small ways?

I remember holding you as this tiny fragile life I had just created. All the hair and wrinkled skin. The tiny little hands grasping at my fingers and tiny blue eyes starring at me wondering what the hell you'd agreed to up there in baby heaven. I remember the first cry you made and how I felt when I heard it. That feeling of resolve and strength. Your cry ushered a challenge to my womanhood and rather than it being entirely scary and overwhelming, I felt uplifted, able to raise to the occasion and a deep sense of pride. I had carried for nine (9) months, I went through periods of elation, depression, fear and anxiety, I endured hours of labor and you were the fruit of my endurance.

I would never dream of telling you that I was perfect. Sometimes I was a perfect mess. You agreed to be my child despite the fact that Dad and I had no clue how to be husband and wife let alone parents. You came to us with a purpose, both for yourself and for us as well. I may die never knowing what lessons you brought to me and I will surely die never knowing what lessons you still must learn, but I can never thank you enough for being my son!

So far we've had some really fun and funny times. We've laughed till our bellies hurt and tears welled up in our eyes. We've had some really bad times where we went to bed angry and left feeling hateful. I know I had moments of real regrets and incredible moments of spine tingling joy. I am sure that I have had the reigns on too tight and for too long. One day, maybe, you'll know what it feels like to want to protect your child. It never changes from one child to the next and never gets easier between each child. There have been nights when I lost sleep worrying about you, worried about your future. It was a real leap of faith when I sent you into the world as a teenager and trust me, I prayed like never before that when I woke up you'd be home safe and sound. My Mom told me once that she had a separate heart for each child. That meant she had three separate hearts. How could that be?  Now it's my turn and I still can't explain it but a mother really does have separate hearts for each of her children. She loves her children the same. Never deeper or more than the other. Her heart breaks the same with each child when they misbehave or do something really bad. She looks at each child with the same love, the same anger, the same worry the same everything. The one thing that does change is that a mother knows everything will work out by the time the last child is born. That means that she's not as scared of motherhood the second and third or fourth time.

Fathers are quite a different story. Your dad is scared he will fail and every time he tries he does fail. For no other reason than he is scared.He was not raised by people who truly loved him and that has a lot to do with the persona dad is today. He had to scratch and claw and fight his way through this world and with no help or praise from his parents. Know this....your dad has a good head on his shoulders. He's very good at math and calculating money. I think he tries too hard sometimes and ends up feeling like a shunned kid. No matter he says or how he acts towards you or me, he does truly love you. He is truly proud of you. Take some of his lesson regarding life, to heart. With some minor setbacks, those same lessons have gotten him this far, right?

The really cool thing about where you are today, is that you have the "luxury" of picking and choosing those little nuggets of wisdom from your dad and I and use them to your advantage. Perfect them enough to share with your own children some day. Remember nothing is ever set in stone!


Do you know how much I really do love you? If I were to say to the moon and back, it wouldn't come close. If I were to say I would die if something were to happen to you, it would be true but still not close enough to how much I really love you. You are an incredible human being. You've got good skills, great smarts. You can think under pressure, you have a great sense of humor, you are not afraid to tell it like it is or to stand up for what you believe in. You know how to be tender when it's necessary and strong when it's needed. You are willing to give everyone a chance. I've watched you grow and evolve into the person you are today. The awesome thing is that who you are today is only a small part of who will become tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that.  I can't wait to see who that will ultimately be and I am honored that you'll allow me to be by your side through your journey. Never forget who are you. Never forget how much I love you. Never forget that I am eternally proud of you, even when I don't say it or act like it. Never forget how much you improved my life by being my son.

~Mom
7/94- 1/98