Secrets

We all keep them. Some are harmless like knowing your BFF will get engaged at tonights dinner party, or that theres no santa claus or easter bunny. Others can actually kill you in a slow painful way.
Each morning I do stretching yoga and then morning meditations. Lately I've been having "ah ha moments" during the meditation. This morning I realized my own secrets have caused me more than just spiritual death!  Being overweight has been my plague.  I used to tease that I was born weighing at least 100 lbs. And kept  going from there. As I got older I really had a hard time with inner/outer beauty. I cannot tell you how many times I heard  "you have such a  pretty face...".

I battled the social stigma that I had no will power or ability to stop eating, most overweight people suffer from this sterotype still. Just as we suffer fro   the "jolly" sterotype.  Speaking only for myself for myself, I always knew when I had had enough food and in order to be jolly I had to make fun of and laugh at myself. I decided that I wouldn't let anyone see my pain and sadness when they made fun of me by laughing with them at me. What I didn't know then was that my brain categorized those events as reality and used the increasing weight to act as a form of protection. Sounds familiar to some, I'm sure.
There begins the vicious cycle.

Back to secrets...... I've been including my body and its functions in my gratitudes. Rather than complain about what it doesn't do any more I have been thanking it for what it has already done. My legs feet and ankles for supporting me, my lungs for breathin....you get the idea. Many many years ago when I was becoming a sexual being, I made bad choices and ended up pregnant several times. The "cure" for my stupidity was several abortions. I've been pregnant 11 times; 3 ended in abortions, 2 resulted in live births and the rest were miscarriages. While that is disconcerting,  never sharing that secret actually added to my pain, my weight, and the false belief  that I've done such a horrible thing that I deserve to be miserable. I've been learning how to be compassiinate to all living things (spiders, snakes and other ghastly critters....well its taking a little longer). I imagine some random vision of any crowded New York street as I chant my mantra for all living beings. But I digress. Compassion for all living things...compassion for myself. I've carried the spititual, emotional and physical pain at carrying that secret, the stigma of being coldhearted, selfish, stupid, and what some might label a baby killer. My personal belief is that a woman should have the right to abortions without all that BS about when life begins or having it done only as the result of some vicious act. We are given free will and because of this we have only God to be accountable to.

Today I had to relive that pain, to feel the sadness and shame of what I did in my past. I had to realize that my weight was keeping the pain out but it also kept the pain firmly sealed inside! Yes, I shoukd have done things differently, I can't change what I did...but I can forgive myself for making poor choices in my life. I can thank my body, my temple, for protecting me and that I'm a much different person today than I was 30 yrs ago. I actually like myself! I'm optimìstic that I will be able shed my weight more easily as I peel layers of self abuse away. I no longer need the weight for protection, I no longer need to eat away my shame and guilt. How very zen! ♡♡