Some Assembly Required

When I was single I could stand in a checkout line near wailing babies or misbehaving tots and whisper really loudly "Kill it!"  I could not fathom how a parent could let their kid scream like that without intervening. I swore that if I ever became a Mom I would do things differently.

Now that I am a Mom I would not trade the job for all the money,gold or diamonds in the world (don't tell my kids though, they think I'm selling them back to China!). As a single person I used to hear countless jokes that always ended with the punchline "if only babies came with instructions!"

The road of parenthood is littered with potholes, sink holes, landmines, and the remains of our lives before children! Before children we stayed up late,and often slept in on weekends. As parents we fall, exhausted, into bed at 8p.m. Before children we always had time to look our best, as parents we schlep around haggard and worn. Before children we were adventurous and did really awesome things like bungee jumping, as parents we worry that we have enough life insurance. Before children we ate at the finest restaurants and ate things like steak tartar, as parents we're happy to eat hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Before children we played grown up games like strip poker, as parents we play Go Fish. Before kids a sleeping baby was "such an Angel", as parents we know that sleeping baby is really the devil. 

If kids did actually come with instructions, here's what they would say (Spanish, French versions also available) :


" Congratulations on your new child. There are a few things you should know.

1. As babies they will cry a lot and for no apparent reason. Nothing you will do will make it better for the child but may ease your mind. During this time you will experience a dramatic decrease in sleep as well as an increase of under eye baggage. This is normal.
2. You may actually drop your new child.If this occurs it is because your child has been overly "wiggly" and usual during diaper changing. If this should happen simply hug the child tightly and sway back and forth until the child is calm again. This type of fall usually does not adversely affect the child but does add "Spunk" for later use.
3. As toddlers your new child will fall a lot. This is natural. When your child falls he/she will scream a horrific and ear piercing scream. Remain calm! The screaming is only a diversion. 
4. You may notice your child repeating things they have heard. Things such as Shit, Fuck, and Damn it. This is completely normal. This is also the time during which most children will inquire about the origins of other babies. It is recommended that you "Google it". 
5. As Pre-Teens your new child will suffer from an attitude. This usually includes eye rolls, heavy sighs, whispered "whatever" , stomping of feet and folded arms. This will last from the age of 10 through to the age of 15.
6. Your child will be making some remarkable stride in his/her life. They will be going through puberty which includes hormonal changes such as zits, increased testosterone or estrogen. In girls they will experience their periods and in boys they will refuse to take showers.
   The ages of 16-19 are usually the hardest transition for both child and parent. During this time you will struggle with a deep desire for your child to leave home and venture on his/her own. This stage usually causes a great despair especially in Mothers. Your child will be struggling with the desire to leave your home but may be overwhelmed with deep fear. This is also normal and should be ignored.
7. Once your child has left a new chapter will begin for both of you. You may expect to receive calls in the middle of the night asking how to's which include cooking and cleaning. This is also normal and may not change for many many years. Please refrain from wildly laughing as this will only insult your child. Instead, we suggest: Calmly ask if they have any idea how late it is and hang up!
8. In time your child will also have children. This is an exciting time for both you and your child! You will now be able to tell your child that "payback is a bitch!".

If you should experience anything not already mentioned in this instruction manual, please call customer service at: 1-866-curse-wrks.