My last for 2013

I have been sitting here counting my blessings and reflecting on all of the lessons 2013 brought my way and I have been overwhelmed with such joy and emotion. I've been fighting back the tears most of the day. When I slept through the arrival of 2013 I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the victim of an affair, a survivor of a divorce, a single mother of two TEEN BOYS. I never imagined any of the things that happened to me, my friends, my family, this nation. Yup, it was one wild year, wasn't it?

As I await the New year with all it's blessings, trials, temptations, struggles, joys, happiness, lessons-- I find that I most grateful for every single person who ever graced my life with their presence. All the teachers, dreamers, whiners, complainers, the needy friends, the people who refused to learn and grow, the people that hurt me, annoyed me, made me sad, made me cry. Grateful for the people who made me laugh till I cried, the people who listen to me work through my life and stuck around to see the results. The people who who reminded me of my strength, my wisdom, my worth and thankful for those who tried to rob of those things. I am grateful to family for never seeing anything but the good in me. Grateful to the people who tried to hold me back. I am grateful for every painful experience, every tear I shed, every grey hair, stretch mark, wrinkle for they are visions of my struggle AND my triumph. Grateful to those men who mistreated me, every woman who scored me. Grateful for people who thought I'd never amount to anything, to all those who thought I would never make it. Grateful for those who laughed at me and those who laughed with me. There are no promises in life and no coincidences. Every thing and every one happened in my life for a reason and arrived at precisely the right time. I am so grateful!

I am so blessed!

I don't know what 2014 will bring with my dear readers but I am glad to be able to share it with all of you. Happy New Year one and all!

Countdown to 2014

Good Lord but what a year 2013 has been! I don't know about you but I am glad to see it go and am ready for the next new adventure!

Every year we make "resolutions", those funny little lists of all the things we swear we'll change: weight loss, quite smoking, quit swearing, make more money, spend less, give more deeply to charities, spend more time with family, spend less time with friends, go back to school, get a degree, find new love, win the lottery, eat better...the list goes on. If you're like me, by the end of January those resolutions are already forgotten and you're walking the planet still in stunned and numb mode.
While resolutions are, in their intentions, worthy, it seems that all that is really needed at the beginning of any new year is the solemn oath that we'll just do and be better than the year before. It seems like something this simple would be a much easier goal to reach and then exceed than 100 pounds in 3 months, especially when you stop to realize that that list will inevitably cause you angst, frustration, guilt, and any number of negative emotions just trying to keep them all.

Don't get me wrong...if you are a smoker, you NEED to quit smoking not only for your health but for those around you. If you're overweight, you NEED to shed those extra pounds not only for your own health but for those around you who benefit from having you around. We all need to make more money and spend less....be smart with and about money. If you want a degree in skate board mechanics then by all means go and get yourself one......my point is that we shouldn't stress about "things" we need or want in the new year. We can't afford to start the new year stressed and overwhelmed about the list we just made! If we aspire to be a better person than we were last year, do better for us and others then we did last year we are certain to achieve great things. Quite frankly, at least for me, some of those items on the resolution list are nearly impossible to keep and often unrealistic....based on the idea that we are lacking in some way. Yes, I need to shed pounds. I need new knees. But guess what? At the end of the day I am happy with who I am; all my fat, all my rolls, all my cellulite, all my flaws----everything. I am not lacking in anything because I already have so much! I am blessed with some really awesome parents, some really cool brothers, some amazing friends, two terrific sons, a roof over my head and food in my belly.

This year my own list is simple:

Keep on keeping on

My wish for you my faithful readers both new and old, is that you find your peace, know love, see only the good, do your best, be your best, find your purpose and live a great life. I am so blessed to have shared 2013 with you and I can't wait to see what 2014 brings us all. Until then------
Carry On~

Fear

I used to think of myself as "fearless". I saw myself as capable of handling any and everything that I was faced with....well, except spiders, then I scream like a girl and make someone "kill it! Kill it!"....reeeeally hate spiders. So ok, I am almost fearless, don't judge.

I digress. Fear is a powerful emotion and has the power to stop us cold in our tracks be it a spider, high places, the dark, the basement or attic, fear of failure, rejection, or death itself, we all have something we fear. The recent Government shutdown left many in the icy grip of fear worried that there wasn't enough to go around;  that food, money and resources would run out before the crisis would end. Pick any timeline on Twitter or Facebook and you can clearly see how tight the fear grip was.....and how quickly fear was replaced with anger when Congress waited till the 11th hour to come to our "rescue" only to creep out of town presumably to avoid the pelting of rotten tomatoes and harsh words from all affected.  There really is no way to" sugar coat" what those bozos did in such a short time and how it affected so many now and perhaps beyond. Clearly,  some branches of Government have gotten too big for their britches and when the time comes, we really need to vote for a change across the board!

Fear keeps us stuck. Stuck in the past and afraid to move forward. It seems that we would rather be stuck and miserable than go blindly into the perceived "unknown". We know what to be afraid of when we're stuck.....there is a certain amount if comfort that comes from being stuck. I know this all too well since I stayed stuck in a marriage that I knew was failing, had already failed. The fear of not knowing how I would manage on my own kept me stuck for 20 years. Being stuck and miserable gave me the illusion and comfort  that I had control over myself, my sons,  and my husband,  the marriage, the problem. It was like a giant puzzle I had to figue out, piece by piece. Once I finished the puzzle,  I woukd have all the ansers and having the answers meant I could fix the problem(s)/people. It wasn't until I failed at suicide and made the climb back to the top that I began to make peace with the notion that I will never have all the answers and that its okay not to. The best part?

Reality is fluid, always moving and changing. The answers I might have right now will not pertain to the event that unfolds seconds from now...... what a relief!

I actually don't have to worry any more about what I do or do not know. Since reality is ever flowing and changing, the answers will came as needed.  That unknown that I was afraid of, was not the darkness I imagined, but mostly old programming, some of which wasn't even mine! Let's face it, half of what we believe came from our well meaning parents who, were "programmed" with their parents fear and so on down the line. As little kids we have no choice but to be captive to our parents' fears. I am not talking about the fear of us dying, getting badly burned or even kidnapped. Those fears are things that actually kept us safe, moderately healthy and free from kitchen disasters. I'm talking about those fears of inadequacy and lacking.  The fears that if the children aren't perfect it will somehow shine the mirror of shame on the parents.  The fears that the child or children that are to fat or too skinny will shine the mirror of neglect or over indulgence, the fears that the child or children who misbehave in public will shine the mirror of laziness on the part of the parents. My mother is a preachers daughter and so you can imagine the fears that her mother projected on to her and in turn were handed down to me. Here's the thing..... somewhere along the line we have to let go of all of those fears because we are not captive as adults. The only way you and I can remain captive to those fears is by choosing to keep them by building on or justifying them as real.  In other words the boogy man is all in our heads and the dark scary closet is just that,  a closet with the lights turned off.

Much of what we fear never ever happens and what does end up happening turns out not to be as bad as we thought.  The truth is that the shutdown was only an inconvenience and also a chance to dig deeper to find what we're really made of both as induviduals and as a nation. The truth is that our fears are what we make them to be. We make them big and scary, we make them the things that keep us stuck.

When we can see our fears as "fig Newtons of your imagination" and merely speed bumps in life, we can face them, see them for what the are.......little people behind the curtain of our minds who pull levers that make loud sounds and a lot of smoke but nothing else. When the smoke and mirrors and loud sounds are revealed, we are suddenly able to live the life we were meant to live, one of ultimate peace where all of our needs are met and all is well......always.
Carry On~

Choices

Every day we re faced with choices; what to eat for dinner, what shoes to wear with that outfit,whether or not to brush your teeth, whether you should eat the pizza or have a piece of fruit, which TV show to watch or to have the grande or the venti latte. Choices are everywhere and everyone faces them. Unfortunately, it seems, that we have for too long been comfortable in making choices that go against or truer nature; those that create discomfort not only for ourselves but for those around us. We choose to complain rather than exercise compassion, we choose anger over patience, resistance over assistance, worry over peace of mind.

I have caught myself  making those same choices more than once and I am learning that once I recognize that I made it, I immediately have yet another choice: continue with that choice and ultimately make myself so depressed, angry and tired that I miss out on the simplicities of the day like cat snuggles, random hugs from my children, etc., or to immediately make a new choice, one of a more suitable and sustainable interaction with the event/day. I used to think that making a choice to be happy over sad was a breeze. I mean when you stop and realize that being happy has huge benefits on your environment, your mind, body and health how could not make that choice to be happy, right? I was surprised to find that 99% of the day was spent lamenting over this or that and usually something to do with the past and specifically my Ex. I discovered that I was reliving past arguments and apparently trying to rewrite the argument which might be okay if he and I were still married and the argument was to continue. But why on earth was I reliving something that happened 6 months ago and in doing so increasing my stress level, creating a space for angst throughout the day and harboring ill will towards him? He would never hear the words/dialogue I was having inside my head, he would never share in the anger I was feeling. He would also never have the chance to "defend" himself against the thoughts and feelings I was creating inside my head. So I alone was stewing in my own juices. This is true of any inner dialogue you have whether it be about your job, your boss, your kids, your whatever. Often you're the one who is pissed off and the people you are pissed off at have no clue and so they walk around in the day without a care in the world....and if you're like me that really pisses you off even more!

Recent events within our Government have created a space for just such an inner dialogue. I myself find it insane that as a way to protest Obamacare, the government has been shut down. I find it increasingly frustrating that taxpayers are the one's who ultimately suffer the repercussions of this shutdown especially in light of the fact that the people who "did this" will never feel the impact of their decisions. While we might have long memories and vote accordingly, they still will never feel the hunger in their bellies, the fear of not being able to pay the bills on time or who have applied for a loan to buy a new house and now have to hold their breath while everything is on hold. They will never feel the terror of losing their job, even if for just a while. They made poor decisions that will affect everyone BUT themselves. I really do in fact "get" the anger and dismay and disappointment and fear associated with his "numbskull" move. Here's the thing......

While our feelings are rational and justified, they fester within us and no one else. When we outwardly complain and rally the troops as it were, we are making a choice to remain in anger, in worry, in discord, in chaos. WHY? You suffer but you're not alone in that suffering. Your anger etc., flies out into the universe like a ripple on a still pond. What you get back in return is more of what you're angry about and quite honestly, WE ALL DESERVE BETTER and especially of ourselves! If you knew, actually knew and understood how your thoughts, your choices, your words affected the spider web we are all connected to, you might do things differently....I am optimistic of this. Let me assure you that it does affect the web. I've seen this in my own life and very recently. I woke up one morning in a foul mood. I don't know exactly why but I was pretty pissy. I kept it to myself  but one by one as my kids entered into the room that I occupied, they started getting on edge and pissing each other off. Slowly the animals also started feeling the affects of my bad mood and the cats lay in wait for each other, the dog groused ......within an hour of me waking up the entire house was fighting with each other. When I changed my mood, the entire house changed. Think of a still pond in a lovely green forest, the morning sun glittering off it's surface. Maybe some fog floating above the stillness. Toss a rock into the pond and ripples echo toward the center. The splash of the rock alarmed the birds in the trees which alarmed the deer curled up on the forest floor enjoying the sun. The birds and the deer suddenly become fearful and with no real reason since it was just a rock but in that moment they flee from the perceived danger. THAT is what we do every time we make a choice to stay angry, to gossip, to worry, to relive the past, etc. Not only do we deprive ourselves of God's grace, safe in the knowledge that "this too shall pass", we deprive others of this same grace, this same knowledge......seems pretty selfish when you get down to brass tacks.

A few days ago ago I posted on FaceBook that I had taken 108 day challenge. That challenge was to find my passion, that thing that ignites my creativity and ultimately serve my fellow brothers and sisters. It was also to discover how much easier it is to choose

• Happiness over sadness
• Peace of mind over worry
• Compassion over anger
• Kindness over meanness 
• Love over hate
• Knowledge over ignorance

and to give ALL things, including matters of Government to a higher power.  Am I suggesting that we all just shut the hell up and let happen whatever happen? Yes and No. The Government needs to hear from it's people, there is no doubt about that. Those few that have harmed the good of all will in fact never know the trial I spoke of earlier and not even after they are no longer in office, but clearly they must be told they fucked up BIG TIME. But what and how we say it determines the outcome and affects all of us for the days and generations to come. Approach even this situation from a place of loving kindness because at the end of the day they are still human beings, they still deserve God's grace and a modicum of our compassion. You, as a child of God, deserve better than you've probably put out there and when you realize just how much thoughts, words and action affect all of us not only do you want to be impeccable in your words, thoughts and actions but you'll want others to be the same.

These are trying times, one in many before and many more to come. Now is not the time for anarchy but of choosing peace always. I want peace for myself, my sons, my home and for the world. I feel we are close though events might screech otherwise. I feel strongly that we are better than the events that unfold, we are better than we've come to expect of ourselves. Everything will in fact "be alright" and in the meantime I choose peace, happiness, compassion, love, loving kindness, knowledge and assistance. These are my true nature as they are yours.
~Namaste

And it's GOOOOOOOOD!

This morning during meditation I was plagued with thoughts of football.....I like football even of I don't entirely "get" the game. Anyone who knows me knows my thick or thin team is the Denver Broncos. I was born in Denver and so this is my "home team".  This season they are doing very well; 4-0 and the game they played yesterday against Philedelphia was amazing! #Soproud

I digress......I realized during my meditation that life is actually like a game of football. This analogy can be applied to any sport really, but for me and the purposes of this post we'll use NFL football.


In football you have the Quaterback, linemen, running backs, full backs, half backs, and guards.  There are things that happen during the game such as QB sneaks, tackles, sacks, injuries, fumbles, interceptions, huddles, and of course field goals and touchdowns. Every team has a coach. The coach's job is to motivate, uplift, discipline, and provide a different perspective or view of the game. The object if the game is for each team, through a series of plays (strategies) to advance the ball from one side of the field to the next and make touchdowns. The winner is the team with the most touchdowns. The teams are playing either defense or offense. During the game there will be time outs, flags which are actually challenges regarding a certain play, the conduct of the various players or broken rules...sometimes challenging the rules themselves. Life is exactly just like the game of football. The game itself is your daily life. The QB is you, the coach is God ( or whatever form that works for you), the people assigned to protect you (left guard/right guard) are Angels, the team (and die hard fans) are comprised of the people in your life (parents, teachers, children, family, friends, etc.) The huddle is prayer/meditation. The obstacles (opposing team players) are your experiences ( the bills, the self imposed restrictions or lackings, the job, the boss, the spouse, the teenager, etc.) The touchdowns and field goals are the miracles. As the QB you have the responsibility of aligning the team (you and your life) into the perfect position that guarantees a touchdown (miracle). During the game (life) you fumble, over throw, throw in the wrong direction, get sacked, suffer the loss or injury of a player, and sometimes your throw is intercepted, but ultimately, as you reevaluate the team, the strengths and weaknesses of ALL the players on the filed, and game itself,  you realign the team (you and your life) for still another victory (touchdown/miracle). You refer to the coach (God) when things don't work or need to work differently, who tells you either keep doing what you are doing or try this new play or sometimes has to remove a player from the field even if that player is you. When you're not playing, you're training and preparing for "game day".

Sometimes, the members of your team have different ideas how the game should be played ( kick him to the curb, get rid of the cat, do this or that) which might be wise ideas but not necessarily appropriate for that particular game. It's the job or the QB (you) and the coach (God) to pick and chose what idea will ultimately align the entire team (you and your life) in the perfect position for a touchdown (Miracle). It's up to the QB (you) to remember that sometimes those ideas are based on the fear, lack of trust, anger, confusion...FEAR of the other members (which can sometimes be reflections of your own inner dialogue), and to stay the course, to not get boggled down with plays that don't work and that's where the coach (God) and the huddle (prayer/meditation) become crucial to the success of the team (you and your life).  Once the 11 on-field team members are able to trust the wisdom of the QB and/or the coach, the entire team begins to work in sync with each other and ultimately aligns itself for the goal! It's important to note that in life the miracles or touchdowns/victories are always there.....they don't really suddenly appear. What actually ends up happening is that you, as the QB just SEE the game differently.  When this happens, you begin to align with your true nature which is aligned with God (or whatever form works best for you) and you begin to expect miracles. Once you begin to expect them they start showing themselves to you. They didn't just happen, the were always there waiting, on the sidelines, to present themselves to you. Like the QB, you and I are co-creators of the game. The universe (team players) awaits our instructions, the coach (God) is on the sideline ready to help you at any moment, to cheer you on and celebrate the victories as well as the losses and to make sure you are ready for "game day"....every day!

Again this could be applied to any sport---the point is that very few things in life are not just like that, really. Hopefully this analogy will better assist you, as it did me this morning, in just how to play and win the game and to find comfort in the fact that there is no right or wrong-- just variations of. You will always have to be flexible or awake and aware. No one would ever win a game of football if the QB was asleep or not paying attention and if there was no room for variations of the same play and I think the game itself would be rather boring!

~Namaste

Out of 1440.986301...just 10

Like the person sitting on death row and "finding" God, I have shared the mystery of and the benefits of meditation. I'm wiling to bet that some of the people I've shared this knowledge with have inwardly rolled their eyes and said a silent "whatever" as I prattled on about this really unique, personal and simple thing that I learned to do.....c'mon now, you know you did....and guess what? It's OKAY! I get it. It's kind of out there. Meditation is what people like Swami's and yogi's and, sometimes, charlatans do. There is also the whole idea of attaining absolute peace and quiet inside of yourself which is pretty hard to do when traffic roars by your bedroom window or the kiddos are fighting on the other side of the closed door. Not to mention the million and one thoughts that traipse through your head as you are trying to be "still". They never seem to even slow down...almost like they were waiting for just this moment to surface.  I get it.



Meditation is important to your very survival. Our bodies were not meant to live in a 24/7 world. We were not meant to live in a society where Casino's with no windows and O2 was being pumped in, 24 hour television was readily accessible, where work came home with us, where children and adults alike took no time for play. But since we do in fact live in a society like this, our bodies have adapted and subsequently we end up with 70% of our population being "morbidly obese" and I am one of those 70%! So....wait, how does obesity fit into why I should meditate, you ask? It is a well known fact that when the human body is subjected to 24/7 stress we tend to have dinner from a drive thru, face plant into a bowl of macaroni and cheese, eat our way through the entire half gallon of Chunky Monkey as a way of alleviating ourselves from the stress. Not only does this add pounds but it also produces stress hormones that end up packing on the belly fat. You can not have see an episode of Dr. Oz without him telling us how dangerous it is to carry that particular type of fat. The simple truth is that our bodies were not designed for the 24/7 lifestyle we now live. We were meant to hunt and gather and rest and play. Our bodies were meant to be lean and healthy. Instead, we have a sluggish economy, sluggish citizens, two year old's undergoing gastric bypass, and we're tired and grumpy and always sick with something. It's not good enough that we're killing ourselves with this lifestyle, now we introduce this lifestyle to so called third world countries thinking that our way is better than their way, their ancient always works way and the result often seems to be that we turn on each other and start killing each other for what basically turns out to be a giant cluster fuck of a temper tantrum.


Okay, I'll stop you right here....I know what you're saying; how dare I, weighing as much as I do, complain about current affairs and obesity, right???? Because there comes a point in every one's life where you realize what you've done to yourself and how best to get out of the situation, how to recover and bounce back from years of personal neglect. I feel strongly that if I change only ONE person by sharing my insight, even as I go through the journey, then I make the goal even more rewarding. Think of it as me saying "learn from my mistakes" and what loving parent has never said that one?!

I digress.....people today are bombarded with all manner of noise and distraction. All types of indulgences ranging from food, to gambling, to alcohol. It seems, to me, that we view stress and being stressed, as a sign or badge, if you will, of living the great American Dream. I'm sorry, I can no longer subscribe to the idea that in order to be seen as a valuable and contributing member of society I must  be stressed, gray haired, sick, overworked, underpaid, angry and frustrated. Who will contribute to me or my children when all those things result in my disability or even death?

We are hard wired for and have needed the flight or fight hormones to keep us from being T-Rex's dinner....the response is still a necessary part of our  wiring, but, and I think it's been more since 9/11, we have crossed some wires somewhere and the switch is permanently in the  "On" position.  Meditation is the vice that brings us back to our natural way of being. I know this for a fact because I do it and I know I suffer greatly when I get lazy and miss a day or two of it. For me, it has offered a time for me to regain sanity and clarity. My Ex husband, noticing how peaceful I was said "it's not like I have time to do it, Nay. I have to work for a living"---- although he was ushering one of his age old excuses to verify his victim hood, I'm sure he spoke for a few other people who legitimately  feel the same way. How does a busy mother find time to meditate when she is already pulled in 20 different directions?  How does the busy corporate climber find time to relax when his/her boss expects stellar performances and is 'on call' ? How does the bread winner father who works all day and then comes home to a mile long 'honey do' list find the time? How does anyone for that matter find any time to sit in utter quiet and "relax"?  My answer is this: just do it.

You do not need any special place or time to do meditation, although that does help. You can meditate while vacuuming the living room carpet or folding the laundry or (yes Mom) quilting. The point is that you allow your mind the opportunity to not have to think about anything. I liken it to the idea of downloading a new program to my computer. When my mind is quiet I can begin to receive valuable and important information that I might otherwise miss if I am too busy.  I make a special point of doing meditation throughout my day but especially first thing after getting up and I don't kid myself that I can do it still in bed...I almost always fall asleep. I move into the living room and sit in the big comfy chair. I hook myself up to headphones and take 10 minutes just to "think" about nothing and sip my cup of tea. When I find thoughts starting to creep their way back into my head space, and they do, I remind myself that I am only watching them as I would a movie and I am not actively living or reliving those thoughts. I create a space between the space. I also do deep breathing to expand my lungs and energize my mind and body. After the initial 10 minutes I then meditate with intent.....some call it praying. This is where I plug into my divine spirit and that of God and list the things I am grateful for, the people I want blessed today, the troubles I might still be having....I have "conversations with God" . When you stop to think about it, really, that's all meditation really is. Talking to God as you might talk to one of your children or a friend. Just showing up for your day. Letting Him download his daily inspirations and wisdoms, the plans for the rest of the day, the recipe cards for what to do, when and with who. This is the time when I ask for guidance, forgiveness, and for strength. Isn't that what we do when we pray?

The difference between prayer and meditation (if any) is that, as far as I can tell, prayer is often done as the result of a crisis or before each meal....meditation is done all the time even when you're not actually doing it! When I first started, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about this person, memories of what failures I did yesterday or disasters from middle school, guilt trips of how I could have been a better friend, daughter, mother, sister, wife....HUMAN BEING. I got frustrated and stopped trying. Once I realized (through reading and continued efforts) that I can't actually stop the flow of thoughts but can place them in a temporary file for later review, meditation/prayer became easier and more fulfilling. The results of meditation have been better sleep, 99.89% less stress ( cause you just can't escape stress 100%), a better relationship with my son's, a more peaceful atmosphere in my home, a truer sense of happiness that I didn't even know was possible, ending the need for medication for high blood pressure and depression, a better relationship with my animals and an over all general sense of well being. My hair, although still considerably grey has actually started to turn more black than grey.  I don't find the need to fill my body with useless things like donuts (although I still allow myself them) and empty carbs. When I am not stressed I am better able to listen to my body as a whole; what it needs to heal, what it needs for food/fuel, what it needs to survive and to live in harmony. Yeah, it does sound a lot like something a peace- loving- tree- hugging- hippie might say, but I think they had the right idea just not at the right time.


Meditation is free. It is your right. It is quite simply "chicken soup" for your whole body,mind and spirit. The best way to experience it is to just start.Listen, I am no expert. I've not written any book on the how to's and why's. I'm just some chick who went through hell being married, nearly died to prove it, tried meditation as a last ditched effort and discovered it worked damned well.

There are one of  two things that will happen when you try it: either it works or it doesn't. The very worst case scenario is you "wasted" 10 minutes of your life OR the very best case scenario is you grasped for and achieved a "time out" and can face the rest of your day and it's drama's and trauma's centered and focused and even relaxed. Frankly my friends, that is what this planet needs the most. Peace loving tree hugging hippies! Only when we can stop the internal chatter and static, will we be able to serve the rest of mankind because, as I have learned, our true and genuine purpose is to serve all of mankind. When we help others, we help ourselves....it's just that simple. I doubt that I will ever stop talking about meditation, at least on a long term basis. My hope it writing this particular blog post is that someone who maybe has been thinking about it but wasn't sure, will give it a try. We are all connected! We are the various wires of a massive super computer, that being Divine Spirit. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. If we are all "too busy" to stop even for 10 minutes, then our mind, body spirit will just crash and we'll soon see the "blue screen of death".  Make a point to use that first cup of coffee or the bubble bath at night as the routine in which you incorporate meditation. I know, for sure, that you will in fact benefit from it, you will, in fact see miracles happening in your life, you will in fact, feel better, you will in fact BE better and all form 10 measly minutes out of  1440.986301 minutes in your day!

Carry on...........

A letter to myself

I've been reading "A Course In Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. A large complex book that addresses the real reasons, on a spiritual level, why a person ( in this case me) is unable to lose weight permanently. I bought this book for my kindle along with "A Course In Miracles" by Helen Schucman and have been gaining such insight and discovering who I was meant to be, who the Divine Spirit is and how to initiate a beautiful relationship with Spirit and, as it pertains to food and weight, with myself. Today's lesson was to reopen the lines of communication with my "thin self" and my "not-thing self" through means of a letter. The following is the letter I wrote to my "not-thin self" followed with a reply from this self. I am sharing this letter for no other reason then I know in my heart and soul I am not the only person (male or female) that has similar conversations with themselves. You might not be an over eater but you could be obsessed with the idea of food, you might be that over eater, like me, and afraid to admit it to yourself (again like me) that this problem is larger than you and that everything you've done to this point isn't working.  When I first saw those words in the book I about to close the book and ask for a refund. How dare this skinny woman who sits there in her fancy house writing fancy books tell me that I have to embrace the idea that I have to let go of the idea that I can't do this alone, that I failed to this point, that my relationship to food is out of control and therefore the problem is, literally, bigger than me! But when I decided to reread that paragraph and look from a soft heart and with soft eyes. Once I did I realized that, damnit, she's right. Everything I have done thus far hasn't worked at least on a permanent basis. I've done a good job at trying but I have forgotten the one thing that I could have used....the one sure fire ace up my sleeve that guarantees permanent success: God, the Divine Spirit, Spirit, Holy Mind, The Universe or whatever label works for you. The point was, and is, that through all things GOD or as Marianne Williamson says " I can't but God can!" If you are struggling with your weight and/or self image, if you struggle daily with self sabotage I encourage you to read A Course In Weight Loss. Since we all connected by the ethereal strands to bind us we are in "this" together. Time zones, longitude, latitude even space itself cannot separate us. I recently finally understood just how profound those words are. Nothing.....NOTHING separates us from each other. What thoughts I have today even if they are about myself, with ripple along the spider web of space and time affecting everyone else along the way. That thought you had affected the rest of us and so on. At first it might feel like a lot of unnecessary responsibility knowing just how tightly bonded we all are to each other, but it's actually a relief to know we are truly never alone. Yes there is the responsibility but the good news is it takes one person to become aware to spark the fire of someone else's awareness. One by one the web of connection---the real "world wide web" will manifest the kind of people that, working together with each other and God, that is necessary for global change. Worst case scenario is that you learned something powerful about yourself, you became a better human being and, unless you actually enjoy being a miserable, old-too-soon, son of a biscuit- how bad can it really be feeling a deep never ending love and joy ?

Dear Telletub-o-lard:

You drive me effing nuts when you can't say no to a doughnut once in a while and that every time I get things under control, you swoop in and mess stuff up! You always gotta throw a monkey wrench in things, especially when I've worked so hard to fix the last mess you made! I really wish you would just leave once and for all! You cost me my marriage, my husband. You helped put our body into a wheelchair and are an embarrassment to your children, family and friends. I wish you could just say no to that 3rd slice of pizza, or eat 2 doughnuts instead of 4, I wish you didn't have chocolate cravings and, in order to satisfy them, you eat the whole bag of M&M'S. All I want to eat is fruits and vegetables and really cool and healthy things. Sometimes you want to but you don't and that really pisses me off! Don't you get it?! Our body craves the good stuff NOT the bad stuff and because you can't turn down a cookie or sweet roll and lie to yourself about how many scoops of ice cream you just ate, this body is forced to rebuild messed up kidneys, sit all day rather than be able to walk around the park and lift weights and use witch hazel to take a bath with and rely on others to help us get around.... not to mention listening to the doctors yell at us about our weight and our health!  I hate looking in the mirror and seeing your fat face looking back at me or seeing yet another wound on your leg. It's really really hard lugging these heavy-ass legs around. I hate the way they jiggle when we walk.
Walter left you, no big deal. He was never yours to begin with. He left because HE was weak, not you. He left you because HE was afraid not you. He left because he was selfish and greedy and petty and sought outside stimuli...that is about him and NOT you.  That being said, you came into my life when I thought I needed protection from the outside world. Protection from Mr. Molester, from people making fun of us, from a tarnished childhood. You did a great job at actually protecting us, but we are no longer that scared little girl. Holding on to the familiar, the excess weight, won't make Walter come back, won't make him suddenly realize how good he had it when he was married to us. It won't change the fact that parts of our childhood sucked...our parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time, period! It wasn't personal and still isn't. But even if it was personal, God will take care of it and US!  Hiding behind the weight and the food isn't working anymore. It's holding us back and keeping us out of the loop. You think you're weak but look at everything you've gone through so far:
You did get married AND
You did get divorced and lived to tell the story of both!
You gave birth to TWO fantastic young men who despite their current status adore you, fat and all.
You have outlived several of your best friends!
You even outlived your own attempts to kill yourself!
You have lived through the humility of abortions and the disappointments of miscarriages
When you had pneumonia and could have died, you said 'hell no!' and kicked its ass!
You kept us off the radar of Mr Molester....
You reversed our kidney disease........I could not have done any of these things without you and I am so very grateful to you for doing so much. But its time to let God handle the rest. It's time to get healed from head to toe and from heart to soul. You and I were not meant to be heavy in spirit and body. We weren't meant to carry this weight and to suffer this way and I for one am fed up with all the emotional pain and the seemingly endless physical pain. Can you just let go already and let God??!


Dear Friggin Twiggy:

You got a lot of nerve, you know it?! Quit trying to rush me! Sure it's taken 40 years but damn....everything good is worth weighting for, am I right?! You talk about "we" and "us" but from my perspective I've done ALL the hard work and you have gotten all the glory. Not cool and sure and shit not fair! I know it's hard to carry this weight---do you really think I like looking at my fat face and knowing it could be your skinny face instead. Kinda pisses ME off that it's not that skinny face and that, smart one, is why I eat like I do. It makes the pain of knowing I failed again a little easier to swallow, literally. Being 'skinny' mean making us open to rejection, deeper pain, emotional hurt. It means that we have to be willing to face the big scary outer world head on with no padding......chew on that one for a while cupcake!!!! I'm going as fast as I can...UGH, you are just so impatient! I like my comfort zone--it's safe. BUT I get what you're saying that life would be easier if there wasn't so much weight to carry around. All I have wanted was for you to like me, to listen to me. I mean I might have some pretty cool ideas once in a while but you're soooo busy telling me to shut the hell up! I just wanted you to love me. I wanted you to thank me for everything I've done,to say thanks for all the times I kept us from feeling physical pain. Truth be told I thought I was doing a pretty good job at avoiding emotional pain but I see I wasn't as clever as I thought. And instead of you telling me it's okay, there was no such thing as failure, you just stuffed me further inside and deeper on the shelf. NOW that I have your attention, now that I know that you do love me, I find that I really am tired of working so hard. It's been hard work keeping us fat all these years! So thank you for realizing who and what I was and am. I am glad to let go and let God. I'm tired. Thank you for listening to me and thank you for letting me back into the light.

Letting Go

Those two simple words pack quite a punch. We hear it recited as a chant by friends who, with nothing left to offer, say "just let it go" when we are faced with a perceived  trouble. I have uttered these words myself both to myself and to others. From personal experience I can say letting go is easier said than done. It is easier to let it go when the trouble isn't yours to face. For me, letting go has meant letting go of the control I think I have over any situation. The phrase "Let go and let God" is a particularly difficult one to fathom since there is the letting go of control but also a trusting in an unseen.  How does one trust that an unseen force actually has control over anything in one's life. This is especially hard when in the midst of constant or increasing trouble. At times like that, it seems that clearly no one has control!

I had such moments every day for months when my marriage began to crack under the decay of neglect. I was raised in the Southern Baptist faith and so I did try in earnest to let go and let God. Being human however I put limits and time lines and deadlines on everything and when it didn't go according to plan, when deadlines came and went, when things got worse and worse I decided that God was not in control--he had put me and my life on hold and then forgot about me. As many of you already know I tried to end my life 4-5 consecutive times increasing the dosage of pills each time. Much to my shock and dismay I never left the emotional and physical pain. On the last attempt, after swallowing 19 prescription pills that should have at least put me in a coma but instead, I woke up the next morning, I gave up trying to die. But not without some rather harsh words aimed at God. How could he, after all, be watching me suffer as much as I was and just stand there and do nothing?! Why the hell did he keep sending me back when I just wanted out of the pain permanently? Not cool God! Not cool at all, but, since you have my attention, what and where do I go from here?  I am certain I am not the only one who has ever gotten to this point. There just comes a point in one's life where you realize you hadn't had control and never did. You realize that what you'd been doing wasn't working and miraculously you'd been given a second chance....a do over.

My do over was when I decided to clean my body and mind through detox, take myself off all my prescription medications and learn as much as I could about how exactly to "let go". You might be surprised to know there are a number of books to teach you just that. Great thinkers like Eckart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, The Dahli Lama and Neville to name a small few. It was their books that I dove into feet first. It was in those books I learned the meaning of the egoic mind, the pain body, the I AM, and of course letting go. How comforting it was to know that I truly wasn't alone...someone else had gone through the very same or similar things and come back from the muck and grime--had lived to tell about it. I also find it very comforting to see that they all think the same basic way. For me, there is nothing more confusing and frustrating then to read one book only to pick up another that goes in the polar opposite direction or is in a great and vast contradiction to the one I had just read. Their words didn't seem or feel alien to me in any way and I found thousands of "aha!" moments on every page. These people are the living, breathing embodiment of the phrase I heard Angela Mayou say: "When you know teach. When you have Give" .

So here is what I know....for sure: 

Letting go is hard, but worth the effort. Letting go is a must for continued survival both for every individual and for the planet as a whole. Letting go, for me, falls under the concept of doing more by doing less. Granted, at first letting go is H-A-R-D. It almost feels like how many of us felt on 9/11 when we looked into each others eyes and asked how could God let this happen? How can I forgive the terrorist and wish him peace in heaven? How could God let a terrorist into heaven? Nothing about letting go seems conducive to survival. I struggled for weeks with the idea that letting go meant I had to forgive my Ex for everything he ever said or did to me, all the pain he caused me and my son's, this family. I was not ready to forgive, in fact I had some revenge to exact. I spent countless hours plotting and planning how I was going to make him hurt as much as he'd hurt me and I was going to take her down with him! To be perfectly honest I did carry out a few minor plans...to hell with the consequences! But I soon discovered that, ever present even though HE is unseen, he allowed me to carry out the plans but didn't let the plans hit their mark. Sort of like like exploding a failed rocket above the ocean to avoid devastation and fatalities should the rocket explode over say a school. At first I was pissed, no sugar coating that one. So I attempted to ramp up my efforts. A peculiar thing started to happen. The increasingly devious plots and plans started not feeling right and I was catching myself feeling so evil (rather than feeling blind to it all). I started to realize that these feelings were all a part of my ego striving to protect its own survival. You see when you no longer listen to the incessant negative thoughts in your head and choose to accept only the positive ones, your ego go into survival mode. Think of it like this: when you start a fast or a new diet, your body immediately starts to store fat as a way of keeping the host alive. Starvation is a threat but can be avoided or at least prolonged if there is enough fat to use as energy. This is one of the reason diets don't work. So when the egoic mind perceives the threat, in this case loss of control, it will do anything to stay alive. It does this by fueling the fire of rejection, abandonment, fear, anger, isolation and all nicely done through emotions. But what I learned is that emotions are simply memories. Memories of how you felt during a certain event(s) in your life that the ego stored as "real" and "reality". The good news, although hard to imagine, is that it is not real and it is not reality! Those memories are the things, the tools the ego uses to create the definition of "self". I am sad, I am depressed, I am fat, I am unworthy I am unloved, I am ___________(fill in the blank).

When I first read the words "the space between the thoughts is the real you" the little hamster racing furiously inside the little wheel suddenly stopped and the wheel just hung there squeaking to a rusty stop. What space? Where is this space? Since when is there a physical space between me, my thought and "me"? Through meditation I learned just where that space is and how easy it is to access it. The easiest way I have found is to remind myself that the thoughts , especially those I don't want to entertain at the moment, are just playing on a large screen and I am watching a movie not reliving them. That snippet of space, even if it lasts for a second is the "space" spoken of by Eckart Tolle and Deepak Chopra. It is a tangible area that exists between the you that the world sees and the you that God created....this is often referred to as your "higher self" and it is that space where letting go happens! Its in that space where you begin to realize that someone greater than you does in fact "have your back" . Where you realize that you really are in control and the best course of action is nothing. Less really is more. It's where you begin to understand that everyone who enters into and out of our lives, is there or was there for a purpose, a purpose greater than you. They were there to teach you something and letting go comes when you thank them for the gift they gave you. I know, I know....how on earth is verbal abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, etc. and the pain that comes with it, a "gift"??!!?!  Again, here is what I know: you learned your strength, you purpose, your inner fire, your lesson, your desire, your passion, your love of self and others..... "that which does not kill me only strengthens me". I also learned that it takes less energy to let go than it does to remain energetic in keeping a tight grip on the pain, the emotion, the sadness, the depression, the hurt. When I realized that my Ex said and did the hurtful things because he was coming from a place of pure ego and pain body, it made it easier to feel compassion towards him. It meant he was no longer the monster I made him out to be and more like me. Someone just trying to make it in this world and having very little tools to work with other than those of the tricky egoic mind. Perhaps this is the truest form of "Satan"? He and I, acted and reacted from an  unawareness, from our pain bodies.  You can't hurt me, I'll hurt you first  Hurt or be hurt, and win at all costs.  Sound familiar? Putting space between you, your thoughts and "you" doesn't mean they are permanently gone. Contrary to popular demand they just get placed in a mental rolodex. This rolodex spins every day and all day long and if you don't deal with the thoughts, the emotions that cause you (and others ) pain, the rolodex spits out the card that forces you to handle it. Avoidance is never the answer...I know because I have tried unsuccessfully! The saving grace in all this is that when you look at the index card from a place of love, peace, compassion and deeper understanding, you can finally release the emotions that block your higher self like dirt clogs a pore. Only when I could forgive myself for being stubborn and unloving towards he and I, could I totally and completely LET GO of that particular emotion and move smoothly and loving on to the next emotion when it comes up. 

I am not by any means assuming I am completely done and am now a great teacher or expert. I am not perfect and I still have a ton more to learn. As a very dear friend said to me, "it's a daily process."  Hell it's a second by second process! It's raw emotion. It's facing pain head on. It's turning the other cheek. It's releasing the stresses of pretending to be in control and knowing that I don't have to any more. A lot like when Bruce realized he couldn't be God in Bruce Almighty.  One day I heard my voice ( which was God talking to me) say: "it's time to let me do this. You've done well but now it's time to rest. I've got your back on this Naomi. I know what needs to be done and what needs to be done is already being done. Sit back, relax, have some tea and watch what I do....just let me do it!"  I don't know about you guys, but sometimes the daily battle of living makes me tired. How refreshing it is to let someone, actually more qualified than me, take over and actually give me permission to take (paid) time off  ! 

Not really hard at all when you stop to think about it.

It's the little things.....

I've been doing a lot of healing and self discovery as of late....more than in recent months. It's funny how a thing like a divorce can plunge you, almost simultaneously into the pits of despair and the heights of heaven. The more I learn about life, karma, happiness, myself...the more I am absolutely aware, eyes wide open, that my divorce was a critical step towards getting me back onto the path I agreed to before I was born. Imagine that? The path we agreed to before we were born?! Sounds a bit like I just took you into a late night episode of The Twilight Zone?!


As many of you know I very recently discovered that the woman my ex husband cheated on me with, was still in his life as recently as April and May when he and I were still married. Not only had he continued to lie to me but he ended up re-gifting her a ring he had once given me. As you can imagine, and with good reason, I was thunderstruck...I can't say which hurt more: the lies, the truth or my ring now belonging to "the other woman" and needless to say I was carrying a heavy new burden from that realization. At first glance I rolled with the punch, I rationalized that he was no longer my problem, that karma would kick his ass from here to next year, that I was still standing. Slowly however I started to entertain more dark thoughts and familiar feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and utter emotional pain. I had, or so I thought, gotten to a place in my mind where I could begin to look at that whole situation as detached from it it...it simply didn't matter any more, what was done was done.So when I found myself visiting her FaceBook page and learning her maiden name and birth date to "track her down" I knew I had not been as successful as I had thought. Long story short I found out quite a bit about her and admittedly hold on to this information "just in case"....hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! In that process I struggled again to work through and let go of the feelings I was having: they both made a conscious decision to keep seeing each other despite the fact the the preliminary divorce expressly forbid it, they both made the decision to see each other despite the fact that his (then) wife was at home doing all the hard work (yet again) towards the ultimate goal of a divorce. They both made the decision to throw caution to the wind and toss discretion out the window knowing that there was a family at the other end of those decisions being torn apart. I'm sorry but there is no pussy or dick that is that good (sorry Dad...I know you're reading this)! I felt such a deep sense of betrayal, how could anyone with so much to lose make such poor choices? What woman and a nurse practitioner to boot, who knew the man she was sleeping with had a wife and 2 kids at home, the wife is in a wheel chair, the wife had told them both she was suicidal...what woman would continue to flirt with danger? I felt abandoned AGAIN.


In my daily lessons, I have learned that when a problem keeps appearing, it usually means that there is still more to learn from it. It's not over till the fat lady sings and she hadn't sung yet.....now I am just plain pissed off. I wanted to be done with it once and for all! I didn't like feeling this way...left out, alone, used, betrayed, lonely, hurt and even desperate. I tried forgiving them both but that hadn't seemed to work because here I was facing that same old tightness in my chest, the tooth grinding, the ball of un-cried tears in my throat and the endless distraction of unhappy thoughts. I begged God to just let me be done with it already! I was tired of taking several steps forward only to be yanked back into "reality"....I know you know what I mean. We all feel this way from time to time. I'm willing to bet the old saying  "just when things were going so good..." came about from such feelings.
I knew I had to face head on the real feelings that were under the surface. Fear always masks anger and yes I was ANGRY. I spent 20 years trying to make our house into a home, to make him see that he was my beloved husband, that I loved him, that I would always be there for him. I never got so much as a nod of approval from him but DID get a lot of complaints and countless arguments. So yeah, I was angry. But I was also angry, as I found out, at myself for thinking that things between he and I could be "different" and for allowing myself to believe in a dream that I could never have but only because it was never MY dream and at my parents and especially my dad. I was angry that they both appeared to leave me to my own devices as a child. They had their own problems and sometimes I got shoved into a corner.....at least that's how my ego interpreted any negative and highly emotional event. My dad had abandoned me when he married my mom, my dad had forsaken me when he began wearing glasses, my dad had disappointed me when I caught him crying, my dad and abandoned me when my parents got divorced and when I wasn't "daddy's lil'girl" my dad had betrayed me.


Now of course, my father had married my mother long before I became an idea. My father needed glasses, my father cried because he was hurt and was acting as any human emotionally hurt would, my father (and mother) were not ready for the challenges of parenthood by the time I came around and, I suspect that they had begun to accept that sinking feeling that they shouldn't have been married to begin with, so I could never be his little girl; he simply did not have the capacity, in my mind, to be that kind of father at that time in our lives and he never abandoned me but rather his go nowhere broken marriage. I know these things NOW. I understand these things NOW. I "get" the whole parenthood challenge NOW...how it feels to be thrust into parenthood before you ever had a chance to figure out the being married part. I think I was lucky as an adult to have been the oldest because I helped look after my brothers, helped to raise my BFF's daughter...these things helped prepare me for motherhood, even though it's like trying to compare apples to oranges.

 My reason for bringing this up is that my silly ego, the part of our brains' that are responsible for making sense out of the senseless, decided that that those series of "sad" events were confirmation to the random thought that I was unimportant, that I did not matter and anything good would be taken away. My 5 and 6 year old ego set out at making this "confirmation" into a life long marble carving so that every action and reaction I made and had in my later years would further confirm I wasn't worth it. So when Walter threw me into the arena of ULTIMATE BETRAYAL I was unable to forgive and forget because I had not yet worked through the inappropriate feelings and emotions from childhood. Yes, I had a tricky childhood....we ALL do and in my opinion those folks who taut how wonderful their childhood was are liars or were never really a part of their own fantasy. None of us is ever truly born into the perfect family, into the arms of the perfect parents, right?  And as I am learning parents do the best they can with the tools and skills they thought they had. My parents made mistakes....of this we can all agree, but they loved me beyond all measure and despite their shortcomings, mistakes, and sometimes out right failures, I turned out pretty damned good. I wouldn't trade anything that was my childhood for all the money in this world.  So.....what's the cookie?


 When life offers us pure bliss, even when it is fleeting, we miss the monumental importance of that bliss if we expect bad to follow. We can't help but think that because it is a conditioned response. Bliss is Spirit's way of reminding us that life isn't as bad as we imagine that it is, definitely not as serious as we feel like it is and that the moments of bliss are celebrations that we aced the test. I am finally DONE with Walter and Angela. Spirit told me it was time to rest, he's got my back and everything is in lock down. I've done a great job all this time and now it's time to let Spirit put the decisions they made into action. Karma is real...it's the whole cause and effect thing that makes this world, your world, my world move effortlessly from lesson to lesson. I no longer need to feel the tightness in my chest and the old inadequate and inappropriate feelings of abandonment because I don't need to catch Walter in a lie. I don't need to protect myself or my children from his shenanigans.  Someone else, SPIRIT ( or God, the Universe, etc) will handle it for me....my job is done and my next task is to continue to move forward and continue to blossom into the amazing person that I have been all along and just forgot. This is true of every one of us.....we were in fact born at the perfect time, into the perfect family and to perfect parents. How so? Look at who you are right now?
      Pretty amazing....you temporarily forgot.  Everything you've done or said got you to where you are right now. If you read this and have an aha moment, then you're even closer to knowing your divine purpose. Always remember and never forget that you are what sages throughout history have referred to as the co-creator of your world.  You and I were destined for greatness and the free will Spirit gave us is nothing more than a decision we made or will make that will ultimately (and ALWAYS) get us to the predestined greatness.

Shared Cookie

Several weeks ago I woke up with these words; shared cookie principal. What on earth could that mean and why was it just hanging around in my head constantly popping up like some annoying Internet ad? I had written almost an entire blog post on what I thought this was supposed to mean but ended up scraping it because it just didn't feel right.I mean whoever thinks you can actually share a cookie has never actually SHARED a cookie! If it's a cookie like a soft oatmeal cookie (with raisins, of course) and you have no real sense of how to cut a circle in half or use your teeth to "share" someone gets a less than true half and likely it's soggy If the same cookie is hard, then someone for sure gets less than half and in some cases, no one gets any except the sidewalk which is now enjoying the cookie carnage.  If it's a cookie like an Oreo, you can separate the two halves, but who gets the cream filling?  I just had no idea what that was supposed to mean.... Until this morning when I had an aha moment about what the next blog post was to be. Hence the name change to  A Shared Cookie.

Here's the cookie I want to share with you today........if I told you to think of a flower your mind would produce a plethora of mental images of a variety of flowers. Perhaps images such as:

 But what if you looked a flower without saying or thinking  what it is....looking at it void of any "description".  At first your mind would tell you something like: 'this is a flower, you dope', and you'd immediately start having an internal dialogue about how it is a flower, will always be a flower and why bother staring at the flower. But if you still you mind with the one technique I've learned and that is to ask yourself "am I still breathing" and then focus your entire attention on the answer and ALL that encompasses it, you can then focus your attention on the entity in front of you. That living being we call a flower, is in fact raw energy in the form of a flower. It is the same raw energy you and I are made of and once you see that living entity as part of you, you begin to realize that you are are just as beautiful, resilient, majestic, pure as the flower.

I can tell you when I first did this exercise (both the am I breathing and the flower) I felt a little awkward, a little scared but at the same time excited. All those times I heard or said "We are all one"...looking at the flower without description finally brought the true power and magnitude to fruition. Not only did I learn (and still continue) how to quite my mind from talking me to death, but I am able to see things in both their uniqueness and their sameness. Every flower is both the same as the others on the plant but each flower has it's own uniqueness. The red might be deeper in the middle or lighter, the yellow of the center might be a green/yellow or could have hues of brown. It's still a flower, still and azalea with the same azalea energy as the rest but it has some unique quality about it. Just like you and me. I look like "me" and you still look like "you" but we are very much the same raw energy and pure love.

So I challenge you to looking at a "flower" just as I described above and then look at yourself in the mirror and marvel at that face just as you marveled at the flower. Don't "describe" yourself just LOOK at the beauty, the magic, the pure energy and love that you already and always have been. Marvel at the real you.

Trust me.....I'm a ninja!

Intuition....a wonderful mechanism within each of us that guides us through every part of our days on this planet. Some people call it "a gut feeling" or a "sixth sense about 'it'" others call it a "hunch" and mom's are famous for their "mother's intuition". Whatever you may call it, it's real, we all have it and it doesn't like to be ignored. How many time have we said after something happened " I should have listened to my gut" --I know I've done that countless times. Since my yoga and meditations though, I have discovered that my own intuition is alive and well and working to keep me wealthy healthy and wise. For example:


Yesterday I went to the doctor. Hadn't been in 4 months and it was time for a check up. I was excited to see what my numbers were weight wise and lab wise. I wanted to see physical proof that what I'm doing is in fact helping. The scale was not reading what I had hoped for but as my Mom so aptly pointed out this current reading was after I started getting really serious about things. The last weigh in reflected a loss of only 10 pounds which was disappointing but still workable and very much good news! This Dr. of mine is from Russia. I appreciate him because he doesn't sugar coat things which I need in a doctor. Tell me "REAL" even if it's bad. The words out of his mouth were less than kind at first because I had messed up and incorrectly heard 4 MONTHS instead of 4 weeks. So ok...I'm here right now, ok? The rest of the visit seemed to be riddled with nay saying from both him and my oldest son. I started feeling picked on, surrounded by people who say they had my best interest at heart but couldn't seem to share in any of the positive I had already done but certainly had much to say about what I hadn't or should have done. I shined it on. My purpose for being there was twofold: renew Rx's and see what my lab results say, I can gut through this poo poo's and are you crazy's.

The whole visit stuck in my head for the rest of yesterday and until a while ago this morning. It kept filtering through everything I was trying to do, like an annoying alarm clock buzzer or when you leave your keys in the ignition and the car keeps buzzing. I felt annoyed, disappointed and desperate. The Dr. put me on wellbutrin. Even though I told him earlier I was no longer on antidepressants and was doing natural forms of "appetite suppressants" he felt it was best that I go on this new drug as a means of possibly "extending" my life by 5 years. If you know anything about this drug, they use it for things such as depression smoking cessation and such. Like most drugs these days people find that it works well for treating symptoms for other things that it was not intended for. I got wrapped up in his add 5 years speech and figured I would try it. I mean I am trying to live longer, right?? He specifically told me NOT to take it at night because it was a "stimulant" but the mini consult with the pharmacist I learn that it can and often does make people drowsy. Caution flag! He also put me on Metformin for diabetes I don't have. In fact the last time I was told by him to take it the pharmacist said she saw no reason for me to take it since my numbers at that time showed that there was a slight increase in blood sugar that could be considered pre diabetic but not really. I did question the Dr about the need for this medication before knowing what the labs were and he still insisted that I take it. I figured it this way: worst case scenario is I paid $2.65 for pills I didn't need. When I got home later I took the first dose of Wellbutrin and waited to see what would happen. Of course like with all new medication they tell you it may take as long as 2 weeks to see result. I myself have never found that to be the case...I feel the affects of drugs almost immediately just as I did with the Wellbutrin. I felt overwhelmingly sleepy like I had just eaten a huge turkey and carb filled dinner. I felt tearful and depressed. I felt a deep sense of despair and like I did 4 months ago when all I wanted to do was die. This wasn't right....this is supposed to help me move forward, not slide into home plate backwards and too doped up to celebrate.

I knew I was not going to take this medication any more!

Still the feelings about the visit were creeping into my head and my heart and mind. They interfered with my yoga and my meditation this morning so I decided to stop and look at them. I said out loud "ok, let's see what this is all about then" and just sat with the feelings and asked for the lesson I'm supposed to gather. I ask God every day to tell me if what I am I'm doing for myself is wrong or harmful so that I stop right away. To let the message be loud and clear and not subject to confusion and second guessing.....who doesn't do that huh? We ask for signs and then doubt the signs. But I digress...... during my meditations I discovered something very valuable indeed! My son and my Dr. were mirroring my own inner doubts. Those fragments of tapes that say you can't do it, you're not strong enough, smart enough, healthy enough. Those tapes I had forgotten to erase and then cut when I was cleaning my head out of the BS . I forgot to clean them because there was no event that reminded me so I just ignored them. When my son said I would never be able to do the color run next year what he was doing was mirroring my own inner doubt and his inner fears that I might bet hurt or that I couldn't do it and ended up disappointed. The Dr. I think was also reflecting my inner doubts about my limited knowledge of natural healing. Most doctors are trained in scientific medicines. They are also prey to the pharmaceutical companies who want their drugs on the market, sometimes at any cost. I choose not to be part of the fall out, a name on the casualty list. Once I realized why those feeling kept haunting my thoughts I was able to forgive myself for holding on to an inadequate survival skill, for doubting that I can and will do anything I set my mind to and to forgive them but also thank them for bringing this lesson to the forefront. AND for learning that often it doesn't feel right, it's probably not!

I have yet to receive the thump on the head telling me I'm headed in the wrong direction. I trust that when and if I ever do start down the wrong path, I will understand the message and act on it quickly enough. In the mean time no more Wellbutrin, no Metformin, I'll keep taking the high blood pressure and cholesterol pills for as long as I have to and not one day longer, I may not be able to RUN the color run but I can wheel myself through the run....and if I can't do either than I had fun training for it and did myself a lot of good in the process. No longer being stressed about what everyone thinks or feels about my choices is liberating. Knowing that my intuition is awakened and on the job, that's important. I know that I can trust it even when it's not accurate. The thing about intuition is that you have to practice with it every day so that when you end up making the wrong decision you at least have that lesson of what to listen to next time. Like knowing when to take aspirin for a a headache or learning the signs of a migraine before you get one that sets you on your ass. We've all spent so much time denying our abilities, God given abilities, that when something really miraculous and amazing happens we can't see it and don't believe it. It's okay to learn about what makes you tick, it's okay to learn what abilities you have and how to use them. We're not weird, we're not Godless. We don't have to learn it because it's already there. We were born with it and over time we forget how to use it. All we need to do is tap into something that is already there, waiting for you to remember. Waiting to be reunited.  When one of us "gets it" it sends a vibration to the rest of us. When we vibrate with love and laughter and vitality, peace and harmony, we end up sending the that vibration to through the threads that connect us all and each vibration magnifies until it reaches the others. Maya Angelou says "When you know, teach, when you have, give".  That's part of why I made this blog and keep it. So that when I learn something I can share it with all of you. School is never out babe, we're all in a constant learning state. What you learn and how you use t is half the fun sharing it so others can learn and have the own aha moments, that's what make's the journey worth the effort!

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." ~Robert Frost

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference." ~Robert Frost